Merry Christmas

     Merry Christmas-- here is to hoping the joyous festivities will not result in a headache and days in bed suffering. 

    December was a very good month for me headache wise-only a handful of headaches- only one or two which caused my life to stop while I recovered- which was good considering several deaths in our family and a lot of disruptions to routines.  Spending the 22nd and 23rd and a memorial and then a funeral for dear family  members lost(one from my husbands side, one from mine) helped me to avoid the anxiety I usually feel this time of year.  I was able to relax, enjoy what was going on directly around me, and reflect on what is most important.  So many blessings.  So much love.  While I feel I am a very grateful person, I enjoy taking time to reflect even more on all that I have.

Merry Christmas to you and yours... here is to hoping for a happy and healthy 2011.

Another post about weather

One of my favorite headache blogs talked about the weather being a trigger today-- the day after I posted my weather thingee.  Very interesting reading... if your into this sorta thing:

http://somebodyhealme.dianalee.net/2010/12/is-weather-migraine-trigger.html

Accuweather

I found this totally cool migraine headache forecast website.  So far, my headaches have agreed for the most part as I have not suffered severely for a while.  Well at least for a few weeks.  My hormones, as usual, are messing with me, but knowing the cause is helpful in dealing with them.

http://www.accuweather.com/us/or/portland/97201/health-aches-pains.asp

My PT appointments were hopeful, except I found out after two appointments I need to exhaust my $2000 deductible before insurance kicks in and covers 70%.  Since this year was not kind to us in regards to health care expenses, I will be doing what I can on my own and our credit card bill will go up the cost of these two appointments. I hope to be able to run again some day-- as in April when I plan to participate in my first sprint triathlon.

Physical Therapy

Medicating teenagers is a tricky thing.  Back when I was a teen my first doctor we went to with my headache concerns was very reluctant to medicate me.  The second doctor was fine medicating me and instead of listening to me that the medication was giving me no relief, he just upped the dosage causing me more reaction from the meds than the headaches.  It was a yucky time to be me.

My first doctor however sent me to do some physical therapy, hoping the problem was in muscles and training of my neck.  This was my first stab at trying something different to help my headaches.  I worked on machines, practiced different exercises, I think they used electro therapeutic point stimulation, tried relaxation techniques(similar to what I used during bio-feedback, but this therapy took place several years before bio-feedback).  It was a start- and a good place to start at that.  I learned a lot about my body and its reactions to different things- such as why physical support is important(always travel with a pillow) and why its important to get up and move if I have been sitting around for a while.

I am about to go in to physical therapy for the second time in my life for a problem I am having with my hip.  I am interested in seeing what they can do for me and while I am not skeptical, I am cautious with allowing myself to feel hope.  Starting down this path again, even though its for a different issue, just reminded me of all those afternoons spent in the basement of the hospital when my hope was at its highest not having any idea 20+ years later I would still be dealing with headache pain. 

Its OK to lie

Its OK to lie- that is what I tell myself anyway.

How are you?  "Fine."  "OK."  "Oh, you know."

These answers are all lies.  I am not fine.  I am not OK.  You couldn't possibly know.

I might even answer:  "Its been a rough day." or "Not feeling so good."  But these are lies too.  Its more than that.

I have had some positive things happen lately.  I am on a good track for my health.  But today I am in extreme pain and feeling very low.  I am on day 5 of intense pain.  I am feeling lonely.  No one checks on me.  I am throwing myself a pity party.  And eating chocolate.  Wishing I could just spend an entire day in bed and in peace and quiet.  That is not in the cards, so I am going through the motions even though it is excruciating to do so.  And I lie about that too.  I will never admit to anyone how hard it really is to live a "normal" life. 

Of course no one checks on me.  I should feel lonely.  I lie.  I am not comfortable talking about my pain.  Not to those closest to me.  Not to those I trust or who love me.  Not even to paid professionals. 

So, my walls are up pretty high.  I think this time I will leave them up for a while and just wait to see who breaks them down.  I am going to lie again and say I don't care if nobody does.

Doctor Visit

Its funny how when I seem to go to the doctor its usually not for my headaches.  I go in for some other reason and then use that time to ask her a question or two.  I wonder why I can't just face the fact that these headaches are real and consuming and deserve an appointment all their own. 

I had an experience recently of someone discounting my headaches because I can live my life with them.  I don't always collapse in my bed and disappear- I usually push through the pain, nausea, discomfort.  I call this my strength, but maybe its stupidity.  During a headache I am usually a bear to deal with but it is normally just my family who sees it.  I can fake it for the rest of the world- shield them from the monster this chronic pain creates.  Seriously, who really wants to know how I am really doing when they ask: hey, how are you? 

Anyway- heading into the doctor today for a different issue other than headaches- a pain issue- but hopefully she can send me in the right direction to get this other issue fixed.  I will talk to her about my headache issues and maybe get a couple of adjustments made. 

I simply need to be more assertive in this area of my life and I am sincerely wondering why I am not.  I would be assertive about it if it were my children, my husband, my parents.  Do I not place enough value on myself?  Or is it due to habit?  Fear?  Laziness?  All of the above?  Maybe its something else I haven't come up with yet but at least I have identified something needs to change.  Now its the fun part- changing it.

Stress Relief

A big stressor in my life was just lifted from my shoulders this past week.  Our so sweet 20 month old had surgery on her kidney on Monday.  I am looking forward to my new life with a child with a healthy kidney.  A life where a small fever will not set off panic alarms and buttons in my head.  A life where the thought of surgery created knot after knot and the constant churn of nausea in my tummy.  She did just about as good as a baby can do and I am well pleased.  I am so grateful to have this experience behind us.  I know stress is a big factor to my headaches and I am interested to see how they change with this stress off my list.

Relaxation

Lately I have been trying to help my kids go to sleep.  Big Girl has troubles falling asleep like her mom.  Thankfully its not due to pain, its just because her mind runs a mile a minute and its hard to calm it down.  Little Man is pretty good about falling asleep, but he has his nights when he is restless.  They sleep in the same room, so they can antagonize each other too. 

I have resorted to using a relaxation technique where they hold muscles tight for a few seconds release.  I ask them to visualize the tension leaving their body.  This was a technique I learned when I was a little older then them.  It seems quite effective and only once or twice have they not settled completely down as a result.

When I was in High School I tried Bio-Feedback where different muscle groups were attached to sensors and I would "hear" if the tension was present or not. The idea was I could train myself to relax.  I remember many times laying there wondering why I would still feel so much pain if I was making those machines completely silent.  As a teenager, I wanted immediate results.  However as an adult I wonder if that relaxation allows for a nights rest which in turn will allow for less pain the next day, or after several nights rests allow for less pain over the next week.  I don't actively go through my muscle groups and tense and release them and I am training my children.  However I do relax and meditate, even in severe pain, because honestly, I what else can I do?

Log

This past week was a pretty good week as far as headaches go.  I was pretty sore and tired after the triathlon, but the high seemed to get me out of my rut.  That or the hormones finally leveled out.  Today was good too.  Last night I went to be pretty late- around 1:30.  Had crazy but good dreams(the kind you just don't want to wake up from) of long lost friend until the baby woke me around 3 and wouldn't go back to bed until 4.  This resulted in a grumpy mom at 7, and my poor kids put up with me.  I snapped out of the grumps and layed low.  I was even somewhat productive in my daily work.  Started a new course of scripture study for personal growth.  Cleaned up awesomely.  Had dinner ready for my family even though I ran out to go give blood as soon as husband got home from work.

I think I am ready to report to my doctor and realize I don't have a lot to tell her except a general overall impression of how I am feeling and a general impression of progress I can't really back up.  I need to start again on my headache log.  I have been reading up on several headache blogs the importance of communication to the docs and how valuable this sort of tool is in this communication.  I have tried to keep logs over my decades of suffering, however I am always unable to keep it going.  I have always tried to make my logs very detailed- I might just resort to a five minute recall at the end of the day and any general ideas as to why or why not I endured pain.  I need to do this.

Another Triathlon

I am copying and pasting a portion of this from my personal blog- but I just completed my third sprint triathlon.  I never thought I could do something so physically challenging in my life.  Not just because of my headaches, but because I am just not the kind of person who is into exercise.

Last week was a tough one- Severe headaches and nausea every single day.  Extreme throbbing and pain that I just had to push through because I had commitments I didn't want to miss(I was excited and honored to be asked by my 16 year old nephew to tutor him in french- I felt horrible, but HAD TO SAY YES!  And even though I hurt, it felt good to be with my boy.).  I went for a simple walk on Friday with the baby and I felt winded.  I was in so much pain- I simply wondered how in the world was I going to manage the tri-athlon the very next day.  The pain wouldn't go away.  But I refused to panic and realized if I felt horrible I would deal with it then.  Here is what I came up with:

I have found that even though I may be carrying around extra weight and don't look or feel how I want to, that I am still capable of setting physical goals and achieving them. I have found that despite any physical pain I am in, I am able to focus and relax and enjoy the moment at hand. I have found that although it might not be very pleasant, the reward for endurance is sweet and gratifying. I simply found a strength inside of me that allows me to keep going. The power of prayer is huge, and I am grateful to have it on my side.

I think I can becomes I know I can.

My goal is now a reality.

I feel good about myself and my abilities.

Thanks to my friends and my dear sweet family for supporting me and believing in me too.

one step forward... two steps back....

I noticed three days in a row:  no headache!

My medication takes two months to really start working- by month six, whatever changes have taken place are probably it.  So I am almost to the two month mark and have noticed a change. 

The medication for pain works on the migraines.  I don't always have migraines, so it isn't always effective.  I know I should call the doc and try something else.  But I just have a block on calling doctors.  For me anyway, not my children(I finally have surgery scheduled for the baby end of October after weeks of what felt like incessant phone calls).

The meds for sleep don't really work.  I don't get sleepy feeling, just drugged feeling.  Not so good for the next day when I still didn't get enough sleep.  Another thing to mention to the doctor.

My husband and support person has been much kinder since our last blow-out.  We had our anniversary.  We made some decision about our future. We have renewed our commitment to each other that includes more dates and counseling- which is taking a back-seat since I was working so hard on arrangements for the baby.  But at least we are on the same page.  I feel he just over-heated and had to get to his re-set button.  He has no idea how much one little phone call from work to simply ask me how I am feeling can mean to me. 

Since those three non-headache days last week my period started and I have plummeted into the black-hole of headaches.  I skipped book-club and have been in my bed every night by 9 with a heating pad and an ice pack.  Not only have I been headachy, I have been exhausted and nauseated.  I called my sister to tell her I would think I was pregnant if I wasn't on my period.  I told my other sister my periods have been getting harder lately because I am starting the journey to meno-pause.  She told me I am nuts because I am only 34.  Whatever-- right now I am having very bad thoughts as to what I would like to do to relieve this pain.  But no thought I would actually act upon.  It sucks.

On Saturday I participate in my third and final tri-athlon of the season.  I am very nervous because of my pain this week.  My sister and I tried to do a run-through on Monday and my energy was so low I couldn't do the third part: the 5K run/walk.  I will ask the good Lord for his strength to make up for my lack of strength.   After the tri I need to come home to go to my husbands company picnic, and then Sat. night we have a Broadcast to the women at church.  I will be busy... and exhausted.  I wonder if I will make it to all three events?

So... I am frustrated and in pain as I write this.  I am nervous about this weekend.  But I will do what I always do... put my shoes on... and face my life head on.

Invisible Illness Week

National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week is held annually in September and is a worldwide effort to bring together people who live with invisible chronic illness and those who love them. 
Check out:  invisibleillness.com



30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know


1. The illness I live with is: Chronic Migraine/Headache

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 6th Grade

3. But I had symptoms since: Around puberty

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: taking it easy when all I want to do is ignore and keep on going.
5. Most people assume: if I am moving around and appear to be normal, I am not hurting.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: getting up before I am ready- with kids that is almost every morning

7. My favorite medical TV show is: None right now

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My crock-pot- that is a gadget- right?

9. The hardest part about nights are: going to sleep- I either hurt too much to sleep, or I don't hurt and don't want to slow down long enough to sleep

10. Each day I take _10-20_ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please)

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: love it and think it works, but have a hard time keeping with it because a)it is expensive(not covered by insurance) and b) its alternative so I let it drop off my radar

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: invisible.  I may not have life figured out, but I can fake it like the best of them... and sometimes faking it helps pull me through.

13. Regarding working and career: It was sometimes easier going off to work with pain because I had a distraction. 

14. People would be surprised to know: I have headaches that last 8-10 days- usually one or two a month.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: some of the people closest to me are fed up and no longer patient with me and my pain.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: tri-athlons- I will participate in my third one at the end of September.

17. The commercials about my illness:  aren't really about my illness.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: spontaneous adventures- who knows if I will have a headache or not.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: Needlepoint- I enjoy the detail work, but can't do it with a headache.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Yoga- My husband got me started in yoga for relaxation before we were married in hopes it would help me.  I enjoy it and can usually do it with a headache.  My kids do it with me for about 5 minutes too. 

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: completely clean my house, play for hours with my kids in the park, and enjoy an evening alone with my  husband.

22. My illness has taught me: not many people understand, but that is OK, a lot of people still care.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: give me advice that completely cured their headaches(which couldn't possibly be like mine)

24. But I love it when people: listen and actually try to understand

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I can live with pain. I can live with my headaches. I can still CARE for my FAMILY and meet my obligations. I might do it better without the pain, BUT I am capable to do it with it. And I think that is pretty darn OK.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: listen to their bodies- its OK to take it easy.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: even in great pain, I can find happiness.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: extended understanding.  And took my kids away allowing me to not worry about them and rest.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I just found out about it and am starting to get more involved in the online community that deals with headaches.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: loved.

Fight

We had a fight- one of the worst in our marriage. The reason? I am not doing enough around here. Because I always have a headache.

Will headaches bring down my marriage? Maybe its time to talk to the doctor again. And a marriage counselor...

Apology?

So, with the adjustment to meds, I have been allowing myself to rest a bit more and be more vocal about how I am feeling.

My husband says to me: You have been having way more headaches than usual- maybe this medication isn't working at all. OK- I need time to adjust to the medication. It could be weeks to get it into my system before I start seeing the actual results. Overall I am starting to see improvement already.

However, I realized I had made a pact with myself months ago to simply not tell him about my headaches because after telling him I had a headache every day it became almost an annoyance to him. Hearing I have a headache is also saying: What else is new? And that kind of hurts my feelings. So to protect myself and avoid that kind of reaction I tried to only tell him about the bad ones.

I recently find myself apologizing to him for having a headache. This headache means I might not get the house cleaned up. It means I might run upstairs and rest after he gets home, or even turn dinner over to him. It means I might not join him in reading to the children before bed. He tells me he misses me. He tells me the kids miss me. Inside I am sad- I don't want to miss out on daily activities. I don't want to live in a disorganized home. I don't want my children to understand that some days Mommy just can't tolerate their normal every day noise and activity.

Why do I have to apologize? I feel even more alone when I apologize- and maybe he doesn't even want an apology, because he never tells me its OK. He just goes on and does what needs to be done(hmmm... maybe that is his way of accepting it). When he tells me the kids miss me and he misses me I feel like he is laying a guilt trip on me(which I don't think he is- he doesn't do that sort of thing). I feel worse than I already do. And I push myself through the pain.

I am bit frustrated. I don't have a headache today though- so that is good. I am just working through things in the only way I seem to know- in my writing. I am posting it because some day maybe my children will learn from my ramblings. Maybe there is someone in cyberspace that might stumble accross this and find comfort- but this post is really just for me. I think I do feel better after writing- what else is there to do but keep on going and creating my life to the best of my ability? Even if its not what I WANT- its my best, so it has to be OK. Because it is what it is.

Started

So- I participated in my second Tri-athlon on July 31st. I improved my time ALOT! And am so happy with my results. I look forward to my third one in September. It seems I need to keep an event on the horizon so I keep up my training. I wish I could just go out and exercise- maybe someday I will- but until then, this method is working and I will take it.

I waited until Aug. 1st to start up my new medications. For two reasons. The last time I started up my meds I had a rough transition and didn't want to be dealing with stomach issues, light-headedness, fatigue, etc., while training. Second, I was able to take the last two weeks to wean the baby completely. And while it was not a big deal- she is almost a year and a half and she no longer needed my milk for nutrition, it was still sad for me to loose a little bit of closeness with the last baby of our family. I will admit its nice to reclaim my body. :o)

This week the adjustments didn't seem too bad. I had some stomach issues, but not nearly as severe as the first time- I wonder if this is because the doctor had me step up little by little the previous time rather than doing it all at once this time(Its a lower dosage this time too)? I did have a lot of fatigue and light-headedness. Luckily my kids let me take it easy. It was Big Girls last week of summer school. Little Man was a bit grumpy, but generally is such an easy kid. Baby girl wasn't near as ornery as she is normally- including a day at the hospital to check up on her kidneys(which aren't do well and causing me stress- but we won't know more until the end of the month after more testing so I am trying to copy by not thinking about it, which makes me think about it constantly- but I am denying it bothers me to anyone who asks as another coping mechanism- none of this is good by the way for my headaches). My sister did take my big kids one afternoon so I could sleep when the baby slept- that was nicer than nice.

We leave for a short vacation down at J's parents home. We can't afford a vacation this summer, so we are enjoying free room and board at his parents place. I have made peace with this- my kids love being at their grand parents and they won't remember a summer or two without a real vacation. Its important for them to spend time with their River Grandparents- and vice versa. I always get to relax and chill out while I am there too- I look forward to runs in the morning and visits to the river bed. And hopefully by the time we are back my adjustments to the medication will be complete and I will start seeing an improvement.

The rest of the summer will include my organizing and getting ready for fall. A well check for the baby, the big girl, an in depth VCUG for the baby. I will try to have at least one or two days a week with a fun outing to the zoo or omsi for the kids- but overall we will keep it pretty chill. I want to enjoy my time with my kiddo's- they are such wonderful little people!

How fragile life

“How fragile life, how certain death. We do not know when we will be required to leave this mortal existence. And so I ask, ‘What are we doing with today?’ If we live only for tomorrow, we’ll have a lot of empty yesterdays today.”
Thomas S. Monson

The Start

So, I finally made it into the doctor! Yay! Hooray for me!

This was a huge step. It took months to actually go through with it thanks to my "issues" with doctors and getting the run-around. I finally called on day 5 of a headache and THE LINE WAS BUSY! The next day too. The number on the Internet must be bad. So, after another month and another round of a several day long migraine, I stopped in and made my appointment in person. I also grabbed several of her cards so I don't run into the busy signal again.

I had a complete exam that included a blood draw a few days before. I found out that I AM HEALTHY! In the back of mind I worried there was some underlying issue(diabetes or cancer or some rare disease they would need to send me to a controlled medical lab and test me for years....), and nope- my blood is perfect. My levels are 'beautiful'!

I had a great conversation with my doctor about my headaches. She and I discussed multiple factors, the different types of headaches, and different ways of treating them. I feel very satisfied with the time she spent talking and actually listening to me. She seemed to understand the stage of life I am in with my kiddos and the issues I am dealing with my parents. As we talked when I was unsure about a plan she was able to give me direction and let me weigh it out in my own mind.

I am looking forward(and I seriously can't believe that I am) to trying to this new plan and seeing how I respond to it. Maybe this is a feeling of hope? It feels like a brand-new notebook, so fresh and clean that I can just start writing in. I love new notebooks. But with this, I know first hand how hard it is to get to the right medication levels. But, maybe with this hope I will be able to continue on when the air goes out of my sails a bit. I am cautiously optimistic.

So.... here goes nothing!

Tri-athlete

Last Saturday(May 15th), I participated in my first tri-athlon ever! And it was a thrill!

I am so happy my body is healthy enough to participate. It is healthy enough to train. I am healthy!

I was very interested in seeing how my body responded to the training. I am not a fan of exercise and only do so because its on my list of things to do. I often have a headache and used that as an excuse(even though its a worthy excuse) to not go out and do what I know I am supposed to be doing.

Having a goal of this tri-athlon was what I needed. Several times I went upstairs to get ready to train and looked at my bed, or looked down the hall in the computer room and thought about just sitting.... I couldn't simply because I had a goal that seemed larger than life! I HAD to get my shoes on and head out the door because I, quite frankly, didn't want to DIE on the tri-athlon course!

The break from the kids was good for me too. Thankfully I have a very supportive husband who didn't mind when I took off in the evenings to swim. Or spent my Saturday morning biking. Or listened to me complain of my hip hurting after a run. While out and about I had a chance to meditate, think, evaluate my life. I am thankful for that time- and I need MORE of it!

I had a couple of nights where I couldn't go. My head hurt too bad and I listened to the beckon of my bed. The bad headaches were just as bad as they normally were.

But the daily quiet headache seemed to leave me quicker than usual. This could be from the exercise. This could be the fact exercising(running, biking and swimming) hurt different muscles and I was swallowing anti-inflammatories daily. It could be I just became so focused on my goal that my pain took second shelf.

This past week I came down with strep throat and didn't exercise at all. I wanted to- my body needed it. It also needed to rest. My baby also needed it. She was used to heading out into the world about an hour before we pick up our boy from the bus-stop. She brought me her shoes and tried to get me out of the house at our usual time(Pretty cute if you ask me!).

I look forward to next week so I can get out and exercise some more and continue to watch my body's reaction. I also promise to call my doctor to get my physical so we can start evaluating my headaches again. I also need to decide on my next "event" so I can be goal oreinted with training again!

I am a tri-athlete!

Does knowlege bring comfort?

I get hormone headaches. I am very sensitive to hormones and will get one the day before the day of the beginning of my period. My worst headache in my life was after giving birth to baby #3. Hormone fluctuations are a BAD word.

When I mention this, most people are relieved or excited or assume that its great I know the cause of my headaches. While a woman has hormonal fluctuations all month long, not all of my headaches are because of this. I probably attribute one or two a month to this. And having 3-5 headaches a week, two a month isn't much. Even if I could treat these few period headaches, I still have a month worth of headaches that I don't know the exact cause.

But there is security in knowing why I have a headache. Kind of like a mystery solved(read: Phew- at least it wasn't a stroke!). So I wonder if I knew the cause of every headache, even if there was no solution, if it would give me some sort of comfort. I wonder.

This reminds me of a time in my youth when I told my Dad if I ever died before him, he needed them to open up my brain and find out what the cause of all these headaches were- I wanted him to search for an answer to all of this pain. After talking with him about this subject I decided I wouldn't want to him to look into after all. I believe I will look back on this life from a different perspective and see what God wanted me to learn from all of this pain and that will be enough(Too bad I haven't figured it out yet- maybe that would help the headaches stop?)

And while I love hearing people tell me their reasons for getting headaches and giving me the advice(Wear sunglasses, drink more water, take your multivitamin, lay off the wheat products), I still have to swallow my knee jerk reaction, which is: You honestly think I haven't looked into that one before? Good intentions- I need to take them for what they are: Good. I have learned to smile and nod.

I will help you

I did go to the doctor on Tuesday. Wow! Except it wasn't specifically for migraines. I felt a UTI coming on and didn't get in soon enough and ended up with a UTI and a kidney infection. I have only met with this Doctor once before- about a year ago when I was pregnant and about to pop. My OB/GYN's office was giving me a hard time about not having a primary doctor listed, and I didn't have one since we switched insurances.

Anyway, I used this time to talk to her about my headaches. I told her about them my first visit, so she asked me about them before I had a chance to mention them. She said: I will help you.

I am still nursing. The weaning is going very slowly, and I am wondering if I really want to wean this beautiful baby. The quiet times I have to nurse are priceless. I get to not only enjoy my sweet baby in my arms and marvel at the fact I am still nourishing her body over a year after she left my body, I also use this time to meditate and examine my life. I pray and think about my blessings and ask for guidance and comfort going forward. Will I carve out this time after we are done nursing? I think I will try.

So, I will go in for a physical. Its been a long time since I have had all my level checked. Throughout my headache journey a lot has been tested and tried, but I can't remember what, and that was long ago. It will be interesting to start at ground level and see if she really can help me.

Same old...

After a very lovely day without pain I embarked on a week with relentless headaches. Sweet husband has been very accomodating with my pain. He has helped with the baby quite a bit and given me my space.

But I am just tired of it.

I have a great support system. I have people I can call to help me out. But as a my job right now is caregiver and mommy, I do not feel comfortable having someone take care of my children so I can get rest or sleep or peace and quiet when it might not even help my symptoms.

Goods news. I am ready to call the doc.

No Headache?

I was so excited to blog last night--

I had a day without a headache!

Well... it started with one as usual- my typical throb- but I took something and ate a yummy breakfast made just for me by my amazing husband and off to church I went to practice with the choir. I skipped out on the getting everyone out the door part(I had the kids ready to go, only Daddy needed to finish getting ready), and that relieved a little of my usual Sunday stress.

Now church, while I love it, is a hard thing for me. I am not sure why, but I usually feel exhausted, headachey, and just plain spent by the time I get home from three hours. It might be the spiritual aspect that wears my mind out, it might be the fact I am wearing shoes and clothes that just aren't super comfortable. Maybe its my "let down" assumption that I have a day where my husband is home to help me out if I need it, so I usually need it. Who knows.

But this past Sunday I felt great! So good! My husband noticed a difference and mentioned my being in a great mood. I didn't need to go lay down at all after church. We went on a family walk(I even ran a bit). I played HORSE with my husband, and was the horse.

I felt so good. I wondered what did I do differently this past week? I exercised a lot more than usual, ate the same, stress wasn't as bad as it has been. I went to bed Saturday night at a somewhat decent hour.

I was so excited, I couldn't wait to make this post last night. Except we got a virus on our 'puter and I couldn't.

Well. The No Headache status didn't last. The baby had a really hard time last night. She switched back to her daily low-dose antibiotics from her super strong ones for the ear infection she had last week. She was fussy, wouldn't let me put her down. So, I woke up in pain around 1 to tend to her. I tried to put her down again and couldn't. I held a bit longer, but my right shoulder and upper back was killing me. I was in so much pain I went downstairs for some medicine. I finally got her settled again and slept for another few hours when she was up around 4. I just couldn't do it. I tried, but finally I asked for help. My husband took over and he dealt with her while I layed in my bed with my back and head and joints hurting. My mind couldn't rest because my baby was crying. Then I started thinking about things that tend to haunt me in the middle of the night. I got up around 7, still hurting, but thankful for the little amount of rest I did have.

I managed to get dressed and lunches made, kids fed and dressed, kids sent off to school. My kitchen was a mess, but that was OK. When Baby and I got back home we had some breakfast together. My sore and stiff body didn't want to move, but being that today is fore casted to be one of the last non-raining days for a while I loaded Baby into her stroller and we went for a walk. It felt good. My headache receded. My stiffness left. We lunched with Daddy and came back home and while I am feeling slower, I am OK. While I am irritable and a bit sensitive, I am OK. And its OK to be just OK.

I got the baby down for a nap. I watched a neighbor boy for a few hours. I cleaned up the kitchen. I managed to get my kids some after school snacks that actually kept them full for longer than 15 minutes. I was able to get dinner(out of the freezer- yay for home made freezer meals!) made. I am glad my husband is home now and I get a 15 minute break. I have my aqua aerobics class tonight that I haven't decided if I will go or not.

WHAT I AM LEARNING FROM TODAY: I can live with pain. I can live with my headaches. I can still CARE for my FAMILY and meet my obligations. I might do it better without the pain, BUT I am capable to do it with it. And I think that is pretty darn OK.

Headache related sleeplessness

"Honey, you need to go to bed soon," my darling husband said as he pulled the covers up to his ears around 11:30 last night.

I laid in bed with a massive headache. I wanted to cry it hurt so bad, but crying makes it hurt worse, so I did a lot of breathing.

I couldn't sleep. The pain was just too great. And it frustrated me that my husband would advise me to do what I wanted to do most.

This morning my head pain is only about a 3/10. But I am groggy... so tired... wishing I could sleep all day long.

BUT- I have things to do today. Kids off to school. Watching my nephew while my sister goes and supports my parents as my Dad is about to get his official diagnoses of Alzheimers(my baby will be napping so I can't go with). I have fun afternoon planned to visit with a good friend. We have actual plans to go out for dinner tonight as family. So, I am busy with good things. This will help me "power thru the pain" and have a somewhat normal life.

Meanwhile... my bed.. my sweet sweet bed... is calling me. I long to sink into it and pull a pillow in my arms. Why couldn't this happen last night?

Sleep?

A new mom expects to miss out on the most precious commodity called sleep. Its part of the deal- I suffer for 9 months to bring a child into this world. I suffer another 12 hours to birth this child. I suffer the first 6 weeks trying to heal, adjust, and get back to normal. For me all the 9 months, 12 hours and 6 weeks are sleepless. I am now embarking on almost a year after birth waking up with a baby. It isn't really her fault- but she right now is the main reason for it. But, I have sleep issues- did before babies, and will continue after babies aren't babies anymore most likely.

My 6 year old has troubles falling asleep. I feel for her, I really really do. I know how desperate and exasperated one feels laying in a bed willing yourself to sleep. I am sure it does not help to have someone coming into your room every so often telling you that you HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP! And like myself, my 6 year old is grumpy when she is tired in the mornings. It is so hard to wake up in the mornings. I can only remember a very few number of occasions in my life when I woke up ready to bound out of bed. I do initially feel bad for her in the morning and try to be cheerful to her grumpiness, try to be deaf to her whining and crying, and understanding to her problem. But on the mornings I had a rough night- I am not so much. I am blessed to have a husband that can usually stick around until we are ready for school so when I am ready to scream at this precious grumpy girl he can step in.

When I do not get enough sleep, I hurt. My head hurts. If I go for days without a good nights rest, I feel in a fog. The rest of my body starts hurting. My anxieties rise. My patience is thin. I am not nice to be around. I want to cry. I want someone to take care of me, but I want them to offer it before I ask for it.

I can't remember the last time I slept through the entire night. Pregnancy has me up constantly thanks to a weak bladder from birthing 9 pound babies. This wonderful precious baby who has been with us now for over 11 months still gets up twice or more a night. While I would love to let her cry it out and learn to sleep on her own, she has kidney reflux and has already had a number of UTI's. I never know if she is in pain or not, so I can't let her cry it out. I have been readying the no-cry-sleep-solution, but so far I think its teaching her worse habits than she had before.

She has been sick with a fever for the past three nights and I have not slept more than a few hours in a row for these past three nights. I think I am loosing my mind. But I did find this funny fact:

• A new baby typically results in 400-750 hours of lost sleep for parents in the first year.

There are some other funny and amazing sleep facts at:

http://www.abc.net.au/science/sleep/facts.htm

A few others that stood out:
Seventeen hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol-level of 0.05%.

Feeling tired can feel normal after a short time. Those deliberately deprived of sleep for research initially noticed greatly the effects on their alertness, mood and physical performance, but the awareness dropped off after the first few days.

Some studies suggest women need up to an hour's extra sleep a night compared to men, and not getting it may be one reason women are much more susceptible to depression than men.