being a caregiver

I am not well today. Headache of course.. stomach issues... nausea... widespread body pain. I am trying to lay low, but there is just too much going on. Mostly too much going on in my brain. Thankfully we do not have to be anywhere this morning, so even though I am not sleeping, I am not doing anything too extraneous.

My husband has Type 2 diabetes for a few years now. While its been under control, he hasn't been very good at monitoring it and recently it has spun out of control and we have been dealing with trying to pull it back in. Its a wake up call, but he has a lot of (mental?) issues in dealing with this disease. I am not sure he ever got out of the denial stage people go through when they learn of something big in their life. I am not sure if he is just in denial still, or if its arrogance, thinking he can over come problems with minimal effort, or a bit of laziness, not wanting to deal with it, so he doesn't. Whatever the reason, I am laying in bed at night wondering what is going on in his blood stream.

Last week included a trip to the ER because of high blood sugars. I watched them care for him, lecture him, and ultimately send him back home to take care of himself. I then watched as he did only a few things he was supposed to. So, I decided this week his apprehension for whatever reason had to stop. I took charge, called his doctor, who was out on vacation through next week. Since his doctors on-call doctors were not sure if his situation was emergency enough for a call-back, I got him into my doctor. We were both pleased with our visit with her and I appreciate again the time she takes in discussing health issues. It helps she specializes in diabetes prevention and treatment.

I am walking a fine line with my husband that I HATE. I don't want to be a nag. I do not want to be his mother. But we have too much riding on his health for me to step back and say: 'Its your life.' Its not just his life. Its our life. Its the life our children. He won't simply drop dead from this disease, he will have complications that will cause our family considerable stress for years to come.

In the meanwhile I am suffering my usual headaches and not getting my usual support from him. And I don't blame him- he should be focused on himself. He won't put his concerns into words and has shut down(He can't seem to talk about his feelings), but its obvious he is worried and very self-focused. His shutting down and not talking to me only escalates my concerns. I am filling my usual rolls and Mom and Wife. I am also having to step up to take better care of him. And with little acknowledgement from him and without his usual support to my own health issues.

I am very tired. I woke up this morning with a prayer on my lips for those around me suffering and going through unpleasant things or considerable changes- my husband included. I didn't think to add myself to that list. I will do that next time.

Body Combat

I went to BODY COMBAT today.  I am not sure I want to be at combat with my body... however... I am finally on the upswing of a several day-- actually a week and half long-- headache.  I have had varying degrees of pain over the past week or so.  This morning I felt the pain was around a 2- and after I got up and got moving I felt I could totally handle it today.  So I went with my neighbor to a local class(first class was free).

We were punching our (imaginary) opponent across the ring.  I was trying to visualize what I was beating the crap out of.  The face of my friends soon to be cheating x-husband popped in my head.  That felt good.  Then my sweet husband's face who has become sick of my headache this time around also floated through my mind- except he still takes care of me even when he is tired of it so I sent his face on its way with very little assault.  So-- I imagined my pain. 

My pain didn't have a shape or a form-- but I was hitting it and punching it-- upper cuts and side swipes.  It felt good.  It felt good to move and sweat.  It felt good to beat this thing.

After the work-out I felt good.  I am cautious-- I am a bit shaky and my stomach still a bit tangled from the headache.  But otherwise I am feeling good.  The visualization was definitely a positive thing for me.  I look forward to running in the morning.  Maybe I can visualize my pain behind me and I can simply out-run it?