Its just me

My husband has had the last week off- we have been pretty busy visiting friends, running errands, organizing our home to keep it organized to start off 2010 right. I usually wake up with some pain- and with him home its been a wonderful chance to pass the baby off to him and sleep another 15 minutes or at least have some quiet time to collect my courage to meet the day head-on.

Today was our first day with little to do, so I planned lunch with a friend. So many people tell me I need to just let loose and have fun with my friends. That should help. In the middle of lunch(and it was wonderful to have this time with a friend and no kids) the headache lurked in the back ground. I got home took some meds and layed down. That should help. I woke up with the same headache a little louder. I went downstairs and watched Monsters vs. Aliens with the kids and it hit me hard. Ugh. I took some stronger stuff. We had dinner. That did help. I am feeling much better, just really tired.

So, ask me how I am and I will tell you fine. I probably have a headache. But its just me. Its my lot in life.

2010- when I am done nursing the baby I will go back to the Doctor to start the always enjoyable process of finding the right solution.

Bear

I move my head and it throbs. Light sends pain searing through my eyeballs. Sound is excruciating. Movement hurts. People not listening to me annoys me. My fuse is so short and the pain is so relentless that I have transformed into a bear of polar proportion.

Everyone suffers.

I cry.

I cry because not only do I hurt so bad, but I feel just horrible about the monster I have turned into. I cry because my sweet husband and adoring children do not deserve to be treated this way.

Now, not only do I feel horrible physically. I feel horrible in my heart.

It hurts- my heart hurts when I realize that those surrounding me get caught up in my storm, as if they are standing on the outskirts of a storm system, and the pain they feel is not like mine. The pain they feel is caused by me. By my words. They are remembering me being this way. I am not just a cranky mom/wife in pain, but to them I am simply a cranky and sometimes mean.

I am also angry. I am angry my husband has limits on his patience. I am angry he gets the "easy" job to run off to work and provide for our physical needs while I am at home in a very dark place trying to provide for the emotional needs of our family. Angry that I can never have a day off. That I can never have enough time to really deal with the root causes of this pain. And I have to let go of this anger before the pain subsides or I just stay a bear.

Headaches- what to do with one?

Since I often have a headache, I choose to do one of two things. Lay low, or go forward full speed ahead.

Often I feel like laying in bed does me little good, and I prefer to NOT miss out on my life so I keep active. Sometimes doing things will distract me and can even help the pain go away. Sometimes it makes me sicker. Sometimes it just makes me cranky and I am sure those around me wish I had just stayed in bed.

Today, I don't want to do anything. I have a headache- its not even one of my bad ones. But I have a kitchen needing to be cleaned, carpets to be vacuumed, children to be read to and taught, phone calls to make, a part time business to conduct, laundry to be folded and put away, dinner to be planned and eventually made. I don't want to do any of this-- I just want to curl up in my bed and pretend I am in my home alone. I feel like I am avoiding everyone and everything. The guilt for this avoidance(Which isn't a true avoidance because I am not really avoiding anyone or anything but my not actively working to deal with people is what makes me feel like I am avoiding. Does that make sense?) brings me down even more.

So, I will give myself today. Tomorrow will be better. Now, I can't actually lay in bed and do nothing. I do need to get a few items on my list from above done. I will tend to the kids, and get dinner going(unless I can talk husband into bringing something home that we really can't afford.). But I won't do it all, and that is OK. It will be OK to lay low today.

American Headache Soceity

So, having had headaches for most of my life I turned to books and magazines and the Internet for help. Figuring out what type of headache I have. Searching for a list of dos and don'ts. I didn't realize until I ran across several blogs earlier this year that there is a specific community out there just for headaches! Is there really a community that would UNDERSTAND ME AND MY PAIN? WOW.

In fact, the is the 14th International Headache Congress being held in Philadelphia at the Pennsylvania Convention Center right now: September 10 to 13, 2009. The below link was neat to look at. I haven't spent much time there, but I plan on it. If I find anything interesting I might just post it.

http://www.americanheadachesociety.org/

Complaining

Am I allowed to complain? Of course anyone can complain, but am I allowed to complain even though I have NOT gone to the doctor? Should I just suffer in silence? Don't I deserve this pain on some level if I am not actively trying to find a cure for it?

My support people are awesome. But after so many whines and cries about feeling achey and gross- how much more do they need to listen? How much more can I subject them too. I am not going to the doctor yet. I know I should. I am nursing my sweet little baby, and while there are medications "safe" to take while nursing, I would rather not. I am also spending so much time at the Doctor for this same sweet baby who has kidney reflux, to make an appointment for myself seems crazy- where would I fit it in between her appointments? I even passed on the non-essential yearly check up on my 6 year old for this same reason. That and our insurance sucks and we can't afford any extra visits.

I am hoping to fight off the pain on my own. I go thru cycles of pain being worse at some times for than others. I am in the midst of a pain spell at the moment. But, I am hoping that this the magic time of year- school starting- I can find some relief. I am hoping with school starting my regular exercise routine will become, well, regular. I KNOW without a doubt exercise will help to some degree on more of my issues than physical health. I also think maybe two and half precious hours without the big kids will help too. Exercise, cleaning up the house, time teaching and loving my baby, maybe even some visits with friends will all be welcome and possibly therapeutic.

So, I guess I am in a wait and see mode. I WILL go to the doctor when I finally have had it(and I am getting close). But until then, I am trying to curb my whining. If I do open up to you about my pain, it means I trust you. It means on some level I expect you to be sympathetic. But I am trying to NOT be a burden on my friends. I don't know what I would do without some of you. I guess I can't expect you to NOT counsel me to go to the doctor(This counsel comes from not one person- but many). I might even need to keep hearing it. But, until I actually go- thanks for listening. I am trying not to bore or annoy you.

Want to be taken care of

When I was younger life stopped for headaches. It was new pain. It was extreme pain. It was scary pain. I would retreat to my little bed. I would get a nice cold drink. Our dog Princess, who was old and granny-like, would be allowed to sleep with me. My parents checked in on me often to make sure I was OK. I had physical comfort. I had emotional comfort. I hurt, but I felt safe.

As I have gotten older, the pain is the same. But I know it better. I self-comfort. Now that I have children if I am lucky enough to have someone around when I am in pain, I ask them to care for them. While I have a lot of compassion directed toward me, its just another headache to many of those around me. The physical and emotional support isn't as apparent, and that is just because Mom has a headache. Mom always has a headache. In fact, when a well meaning friend/family/loved one asks me about my pain, I usually downplay it. I usually reject it. This is my life, this is what I deal with, I am used to it.

BUT, I miss being taken care of. I miss the concern I once allowed others to have for me. Now i just don't allow it, which makes me feel lonely and needy. And then I get annoyed with myself because lonely and needy are the very last thing I should ever feel with the amount of love and support I actually do have. I do have a lot of support and love from my friends and family. But is it so bad to just want to be taken care of without worrying about anything?

A Headache of Convenience--eeer or maybe Inconvenience...

I often wonder if I can somehow control my pain. I do have headaches most days. Some days they are bad and I must lay down and leave my kids to fend for themselves(the big kids, not the baby). However it seems my worst headaches come up when husband is home. Instead of spending a fun day together I spend the day nursing my pain. I end up doing one of two things:


1- I turn the kids over to Daddy and sleep it off.


2- I power thru it and grin and bear it.


Often times when I went to work in an extreme amount of pain I was always glad for the distraction. A distraction from the physical pain, the nausea, the achey achey owie owie.

I stopped working to care for my children full time and I found myself not knowing HOW to distract myself from my pain. I am still figuring that out. It feels like I am more focused on the pain more so than I could be when I worked and had customers to care for, e-mails and reports to publish, goals to meet, oh yea, and friends to talk to.

I wonder why headaches hit when they do. Is it the anticipation of having a fun day that causes the headaches to roll in? Is it just dumb luck? Is it my sub-conscious trying to sabotage my good times?

Its not just the headache, it is the irritability, its the nausea, its the pain pain pain pain....

And I tell my husband about it, but mostly I try not to. He is so good with me, but he has his limits. How fair is it to him I have a headache every time we head out on a trek, or every Saturday morning he wants to sleep in?

And my poor children who deal with a mean mommy. My children, as adults, will probably talk about their Mother always telling them to be quiet. They know my headaches change me.

A Headache of Convenience-- or maybe Inconvenience... yes that is what I get. Any drugs out there for that?

Nip it in the bud

I had a headache today that was making me simply crabby. I don't like being crabby. No one likes me being crabby. BUT somehow those around me still love me anyway and put up with it.

I was able to head it off by taking some OTC pain killers right away. It worked. WWWAAAAHOOOO!

Looking back at this week, I did OK. I had headaches, but functioned anyway and didn't even seem to yell at my kids that much. :o)

PBP- not a cure for headaches

Another headache today-- so bad I veto's little man's request to go the dollar tree. BUT, not so bad I didn't stop for a Peanut Buster Parfait and Dilly Bars for the kids. Didn't help the headache. But sure tasted good. I wish I had another one. :o)

Type of Headache - the big bad migraine

I went ahead and posted my post from my informal/family blog just to have it here. I love that I wrote it- I seemed to hit on most points that come up when it comes to headaches. I plan on using it as a road map to expand on issues I am dealing with or have dealt with and most importantly, how I have learned from them.



As a teen, my headaches were classified as *migraine*. What is a *migraine*? In very simple terms a *migraine* = owie, owie, owie, leave me alone( usually followed by please or now). The pain is mostly on one side of the head with pounding or throbbing accompanying. I would sometimes have some vision changes which the doctors took as the #1 sign of being a *migraine*. In a few words it has something to do with vessel constriction. Mind you I am no doctor, and have only taken three biology classes, I will only discuss what I have found to be true in my experiences.

I don't think I have true *migraines* very often. Yes, I do get headaches so bad I need to spend a day in a dark room only eating crackers. But normally my head just hurts. I personally don't like calling my headaches *migraine*. How can I function with a *migraine* that the media claims to be so debilitating. Is there such a thing as a walking migraine? Why when I mention the word *migraine* the doctors stop any questioning and feel satisfied with that? Is there a doctor out there that I can completely explain my headaches and other wide-spread pain to that might tell me its something else?

I will put another post later with my triggers for headaches. I have one right now, of course, and looking at the computer screen, sitting in my less than ergonomic computer chair does not help. I am tired-- I want to be done with pain- anyone else know the feeling?

First Entry - June 2009

I have a headache today. A bad one. I am thinking of dipping my toe back into the medical world to get some relief, so of course I start on the Internet. I found a blog today about a woman up in Seattle who blogs about her headaches. http://www.thedailyheadache.com/ This website inspired me to blog about headaches.

I have been dealing with headaches most of my life. On my informal, family blog I wrote an entry back in 2008 that helps explain my situation with pain. http://mconser.blogspot.com/2008/04/my-headache-my-silent-partner.html

Normally I do not like to talk about my headaches. I have them so often that I prefer not to BORE or ANNOY people with my complaints. I have learned to live with them unfortunately and have simply found that part of my daily life is pain. Many people live with pain in their lives, so do I. So, I prefer not to draw attention to my pain or problems because I do not feel my pain or problems are unique, or make me any more needy than anyone else. My husband jokes(sort of) that I need to tell him when I DON'T have a headache, since that would be out of the norm. Also, it can be a bit annoying when very well intentioned loved ones offer advice that just isn't applicable to my situation. I know they are trying to help, but for well over 20 years I have been suffering, and I have yet to find my cure.

I plan to use this blog as my headache journal. A place to post what I am going through. I am not asking for sympathy, in fact, I would rather not discuss this blog with my familiars, but I think there is value in records and recording and need to do this for myself.

I also want to reach out to the community of headache sufferers. You might be moms, dads, singles, no-kids, teens, or whatever. But we all have one thing in common- life doesn't stop for our headaches.

I also want to post information I find out about headaches. There is such a vast array of information, I will only post specific pieces that I find useful. If I read a book on any subject I feel if I get one piece of information out of it that helps me, it was work the entire book. I want to share that information.