We had a fight- one of the worst in our marriage. The reason? I am not doing enough around here. Because I always have a headache.
Will headaches bring down my marriage? Maybe its time to talk to the doctor again. And a marriage counselor...
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Apology?
So, with the adjustment to meds, I have been allowing myself to rest a bit more and be more vocal about how I am feeling.
My husband says to me: You have been having way more headaches than usual- maybe this medication isn't working at all. OK- I need time to adjust to the medication. It could be weeks to get it into my system before I start seeing the actual results. Overall I am starting to see improvement already.
However, I realized I had made a pact with myself months ago to simply not tell him about my headaches because after telling him I had a headache every day it became almost an annoyance to him. Hearing I have a headache is also saying: What else is new? And that kind of hurts my feelings. So to protect myself and avoid that kind of reaction I tried to only tell him about the bad ones.
I recently find myself apologizing to him for having a headache. This headache means I might not get the house cleaned up. It means I might run upstairs and rest after he gets home, or even turn dinner over to him. It means I might not join him in reading to the children before bed. He tells me he misses me. He tells me the kids miss me. Inside I am sad- I don't want to miss out on daily activities. I don't want to live in a disorganized home. I don't want my children to understand that some days Mommy just can't tolerate their normal every day noise and activity.
Why do I have to apologize? I feel even more alone when I apologize- and maybe he doesn't even want an apology, because he never tells me its OK. He just goes on and does what needs to be done(hmmm... maybe that is his way of accepting it). When he tells me the kids miss me and he misses me I feel like he is laying a guilt trip on me(which I don't think he is- he doesn't do that sort of thing). I feel worse than I already do. And I push myself through the pain.
I am bit frustrated. I don't have a headache today though- so that is good. I am just working through things in the only way I seem to know- in my writing. I am posting it because some day maybe my children will learn from my ramblings. Maybe there is someone in cyberspace that might stumble accross this and find comfort- but this post is really just for me. I think I do feel better after writing- what else is there to do but keep on going and creating my life to the best of my ability? Even if its not what I WANT- its my best, so it has to be OK. Because it is what it is.
My husband says to me: You have been having way more headaches than usual- maybe this medication isn't working at all. OK- I need time to adjust to the medication. It could be weeks to get it into my system before I start seeing the actual results. Overall I am starting to see improvement already.
However, I realized I had made a pact with myself months ago to simply not tell him about my headaches because after telling him I had a headache every day it became almost an annoyance to him. Hearing I have a headache is also saying: What else is new? And that kind of hurts my feelings. So to protect myself and avoid that kind of reaction I tried to only tell him about the bad ones.
I recently find myself apologizing to him for having a headache. This headache means I might not get the house cleaned up. It means I might run upstairs and rest after he gets home, or even turn dinner over to him. It means I might not join him in reading to the children before bed. He tells me he misses me. He tells me the kids miss me. Inside I am sad- I don't want to miss out on daily activities. I don't want to live in a disorganized home. I don't want my children to understand that some days Mommy just can't tolerate their normal every day noise and activity.
Why do I have to apologize? I feel even more alone when I apologize- and maybe he doesn't even want an apology, because he never tells me its OK. He just goes on and does what needs to be done(hmmm... maybe that is his way of accepting it). When he tells me the kids miss me and he misses me I feel like he is laying a guilt trip on me(which I don't think he is- he doesn't do that sort of thing). I feel worse than I already do. And I push myself through the pain.
I am bit frustrated. I don't have a headache today though- so that is good. I am just working through things in the only way I seem to know- in my writing. I am posting it because some day maybe my children will learn from my ramblings. Maybe there is someone in cyberspace that might stumble accross this and find comfort- but this post is really just for me. I think I do feel better after writing- what else is there to do but keep on going and creating my life to the best of my ability? Even if its not what I WANT- its my best, so it has to be OK. Because it is what it is.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Started
So- I participated in my second Tri-athlon on July 31st. I improved my time ALOT! And am so happy with my results. I look forward to my third one in September. It seems I need to keep an event on the horizon so I keep up my training. I wish I could just go out and exercise- maybe someday I will- but until then, this method is working and I will take it.
I waited until Aug. 1st to start up my new medications. For two reasons. The last time I started up my meds I had a rough transition and didn't want to be dealing with stomach issues, light-headedness, fatigue, etc., while training. Second, I was able to take the last two weeks to wean the baby completely. And while it was not a big deal- she is almost a year and a half and she no longer needed my milk for nutrition, it was still sad for me to loose a little bit of closeness with the last baby of our family. I will admit its nice to reclaim my body. :o)
This week the adjustments didn't seem too bad. I had some stomach issues, but not nearly as severe as the first time- I wonder if this is because the doctor had me step up little by little the previous time rather than doing it all at once this time(Its a lower dosage this time too)? I did have a lot of fatigue and light-headedness. Luckily my kids let me take it easy. It was Big Girls last week of summer school. Little Man was a bit grumpy, but generally is such an easy kid. Baby girl wasn't near as ornery as she is normally- including a day at the hospital to check up on her kidneys(which aren't do well and causing me stress- but we won't know more until the end of the month after more testing so I am trying to copy by not thinking about it, which makes me think about it constantly- but I am denying it bothers me to anyone who asks as another coping mechanism- none of this is good by the way for my headaches). My sister did take my big kids one afternoon so I could sleep when the baby slept- that was nicer than nice.
We leave for a short vacation down at J's parents home. We can't afford a vacation this summer, so we are enjoying free room and board at his parents place. I have made peace with this- my kids love being at their grand parents and they won't remember a summer or two without a real vacation. Its important for them to spend time with their River Grandparents- and vice versa. I always get to relax and chill out while I am there too- I look forward to runs in the morning and visits to the river bed. And hopefully by the time we are back my adjustments to the medication will be complete and I will start seeing an improvement.
The rest of the summer will include my organizing and getting ready for fall. A well check for the baby, the big girl, an in depth VCUG for the baby. I will try to have at least one or two days a week with a fun outing to the zoo or omsi for the kids- but overall we will keep it pretty chill. I want to enjoy my time with my kiddo's- they are such wonderful little people!
I waited until Aug. 1st to start up my new medications. For two reasons. The last time I started up my meds I had a rough transition and didn't want to be dealing with stomach issues, light-headedness, fatigue, etc., while training. Second, I was able to take the last two weeks to wean the baby completely. And while it was not a big deal- she is almost a year and a half and she no longer needed my milk for nutrition, it was still sad for me to loose a little bit of closeness with the last baby of our family. I will admit its nice to reclaim my body. :o)
This week the adjustments didn't seem too bad. I had some stomach issues, but not nearly as severe as the first time- I wonder if this is because the doctor had me step up little by little the previous time rather than doing it all at once this time(Its a lower dosage this time too)? I did have a lot of fatigue and light-headedness. Luckily my kids let me take it easy. It was Big Girls last week of summer school. Little Man was a bit grumpy, but generally is such an easy kid. Baby girl wasn't near as ornery as she is normally- including a day at the hospital to check up on her kidneys(which aren't do well and causing me stress- but we won't know more until the end of the month after more testing so I am trying to copy by not thinking about it, which makes me think about it constantly- but I am denying it bothers me to anyone who asks as another coping mechanism- none of this is good by the way for my headaches). My sister did take my big kids one afternoon so I could sleep when the baby slept- that was nicer than nice.
We leave for a short vacation down at J's parents home. We can't afford a vacation this summer, so we are enjoying free room and board at his parents place. I have made peace with this- my kids love being at their grand parents and they won't remember a summer or two without a real vacation. Its important for them to spend time with their River Grandparents- and vice versa. I always get to relax and chill out while I am there too- I look forward to runs in the morning and visits to the river bed. And hopefully by the time we are back my adjustments to the medication will be complete and I will start seeing an improvement.
The rest of the summer will include my organizing and getting ready for fall. A well check for the baby, the big girl, an in depth VCUG for the baby. I will try to have at least one or two days a week with a fun outing to the zoo or omsi for the kids- but overall we will keep it pretty chill. I want to enjoy my time with my kiddo's- they are such wonderful little people!
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