What is this I'm feeling?

I AM FEELING GOOD!

I promised myself today that I would take a few moments to blog about something positive.  I so often get on here and throw pity partys and work through my frustrations with my writing- but today I FEEL GOOD!  I need to write it down!  I need to shout it out to the online world! 

I feel my adjustments to medications is complete.  I haven't forgotten to take them and I am seeing a definite benefit to taking them.

I started running with a group of ladies this week.  We each take a day to watch each others kids, so I watch 1 day, and run 4 days.  I actually skipped today because of my to-do list.  This takes place in the morning so my nights sleep won't be affected.  I think the consistent exercise, along with being outdoors(I usually exercise inside, but being outside is just so much better for me) really helped me a lot this week. Plus it wasn't rainy this week.  Yay PNW!

Last night I went to sleep with no help from sleep aids or anything.  I was asleep before 11.  I slept through the night(big thank you to the baby for sleeping through the night- another yay!) and woke up at 5:30 to use the bathroom.  I thought in my head:  Wow, I feel OK.  I could actually get dressed and get my shoes on and go for a jog.  But I didn't.  I went back to sleep until 6:30 when baby got up.

I did a million and one things this morning.  Baby and I had a lunch date with  my husband.  She actually took a nap this afternoon and I was able to do a few productive things around the house. 

No headache.  No major pain.  I FEEL GOOD!  It is quite an exciting thing.  I had several really bad, but short, headaches this week, so to have a day and  half(I felt pretty good yesterday too) feeling good is just such a charge.  I actually feel a thrill to feel so normal. 

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  I don't know when my next pain-free day will be.  But I have had one.  I can have another.  I can't forget this exciting feeling.  WOOT!

Chronic Pain

One of my dearest friends was talking to me about some pain she has been in for weeks on end.  Her feet have been hurting her like no tomorrow-- this is one of my tri-athlon buddies-- so its been a tough pain for her.  She mentioned how she feels like she is a different person when in pain and she doesn't like it one bit.  We talked about her feelings and emotions as a result of her pain.  In our discussion she realized what it means when I say I suffer from chronic pain and headaches.  Since this time, she has been more supportive of my pain.  She asks me how I am and really wants and answer- even pushes for the truth when I don't feel like telling it. 

I have to say something felt good when she described her life being different from her pain.  Not just her life- but HER.  SHE was different and not in a good way.  Reminded me that this big bad person that is me when I have a headache is partly because of the headache- not just because I am a sad excuse for a person when I am in pain.

I also have to say it makes me nervous she knows me so much better now.  Having an "invisible illness" is comforting in the fact I can blow through things and do my thing and not have to explain myself.  But I also feel at a loss many times.  I have blogged at how alone I feel.   I have blogged how I am not truthful to those around me and how frustrated I get when those closest to me don't have as much compassion as I want them have, even though I may not share with them, or even know exactly what I need from them. 
There are times I feel like I live a double life.  I wonder if I am being deceptive when I go through the motions when on the inside there is so much pain and so much turmoil.  For example, my mom or a friend or a sister will call to check on me.  Maybe I will tell them I am not good.  They offer to help and while there are days I take them up on their offer, I usually say no.  I have learned to deal with this.  So, after I open up about being in pain, I then have to turn around and downplay it so not to worry my family about it.  I end up supporting those who are worried about me, who are only actually trying to help me.  Does that make any sense?  I actually opened up this week about a particularly bad headache and was touched by the outreach of support and well wishes(thank you facebook).  But once that day passed(the headache passed too, but came back a day later and has stayed with me for the past several days), I spoke of it no more.  No one knows that I encounter pain on a daily basis.  And really, there is nothing wrong with me medically speaking.  So what is the point of talking about it?

I am very frustrated tonight.  And in pain.  And can't sleep.

The Nausea

Lately the nausea has been really hard for me to deal with.  It was never easy, but recently- like in the last several months- its been very strong, very noticeable, and seems to touch every part of my life.  I think I was dealing with the pain and able to go around it to get things done... now the nausea wants to make sure I don't go too far or get too much done.  I can't leave my house for long.  I don't feel comfortable with face-to-face conversations in fear I might just puke on the side.  I am naturally anti-social with my pain.. and now I have even more reason to be so.  I am not happy with this development.

Blah....

Always needing sleep

I hate bedtime.  My bedtime.  I love that my children have a routine and while they have their ways of dragging it out or prolonging it, it works for the most part.  I do not have a routine I can count on.  I dread the nighttime hours because going to sleep is especially difficult for me.  I remember this being the case as a very young child.  I would creep downstairs hoping to catch my Dad in a friendly mood so he would entertain me for a few minutes rather than shoo me right back up to bed.  Those were actually fond memories- and it isn't until now I realize those were nights like the ones I have now- hard to go to sleep.

Talking to my doctor about my issue of insomnia, especially during pain, came up at a recent appointment.  We discussed some relief for that, which includes adjusting some meds around and will probably have a week or two of adjustment which means I won't be feeling at my best, but the goal in mind is worth it.

We talked about sleep and the things she told me are things I know.  Its things I have learned through having and helping my own children getting on a good sleeping schedule:

1. Make the room a room for sleeping.  Our minds need to be trained that our bedroom is a room for one activity(or two for adults).  Not playing, watching TV, even reading in bed.  If, when trying to go to sleep, you can't.  Get up and leave the room and do something that does not include computer, TV, or other monitor/electronic light.
2. Keep your schedule consistent.  Go to bed and wake up at the same time each day.  If you go to bed late, get up at the same time.  My children are amazing with this rule.  My boy gets up within a half an hour each day.
3. Keep the noise down before bed.  Make your room dark and cool.
4. Establish a specific routine for bed- cues that its time for bed.
5. When you wake up in the morning, get the lights on quickly- this will help you wake up.
6. Do your exercise in the morning.  I am not sure about this one, but I figure if I am getting the rest I really need, I might feel up to it.  At this point I am so tired upon waking up thinking about exercising is insane.  I reserve my exercise for my "me" time at the end of the day.  I need to change this around.
7. Do not nap no matter what. This is, of course, for adults and not children.

So, nothing new learned here.  And even though "doctors orders" are generally easier for me to follow, I still have trouble.  Here is what I finding out with my new rules 
1- my room is probably the least kid friendly room in the house, so I choose to be in this room when not on duty as mom- so only using it for sleep doesn't happen.  2- I have been trying really hard to keep my schedule consistent and I can see its benefits.  3- Once the kids are down, its a pretty easy to keep things quiet and calm.  4- As far as a bedtime routine- I haven't really started this yet, except I am reading more before bed(vs. watching TV and this is helpful).  5- Turning the lights on quickly in the morning is helpful.  6 I am not able to exercise in the morning yet, so I've been exercising mid-day and it hasn't interfered with sleep.  I did a quick exercise routine the other night at about 7:30 PM and was up until after 1- it had to be the exercise.  7- I haven't napped as much since I started this, but I generally lay down with the baby and am tempted to nod off with her at her nap time.  I am working on NOT letting this happen.

I still don't love bedtime- but I don't dread it like before.  I find if I am having trouble going to sleep I will get out of bed, go downstairs and have a snack.  I am usually able to go back up to bed and fall asleep.  This is in contrast to when I would turn on the TV, or go on the computer and then try to go to sleep-- it was pretty hard to do so.  I am limiting my time on the computer and in front of the TV in the evening hours.  This means I don't watch much TV at all anymore.  And I am realizing I did a whole lot of nothing on the computer anyway(except writing, which I just do when I feel like anyway).

I often wonder though how common going-to-sleep issues are?  And upon waking I always feel like I need more rest- no matter how much I just had.  Is this normal?  I don't know.  Whats normal anyway?  But overall there has been improvement and I assume there will only be more as I continue following my rules.