End of term blues

Not much to report.... Dealing with some thyroid issues... and high blood sugar(not pre-diabetes yet, but I have to watch my carbs).  And I am not dealing with either of these things so well.  I am trying to get a better sleep pattern.  I am tracking my headaches and trying to have a better understanding of them so I can report more information to my doctor.  But these things are hard to pay attention to.  These things take another form of effort.

I am still trying to finish up classes for my degree, and I am not sure it is going to happen by the end of this term.  I am so frustrated.  But I put on brave face and tell those around me its OK because the end result is what matters.  But what I don't tell them is how much it really hurts me to not achieve my goals when I originally set out to achieve them.  I don't tell them how much I feel I have failed myself-- no one else, because honestly no one else cares-- but myself.  What I don't tell them is that while I smile and say I am fine, I really am not and I am falling apart all over the place. 

People tell me I am strong-- this is very dismissive.  I am strong, but I still need support.  When people tell me I am strong in the midst of my challenges, they are telling me I am doing great by myself and they move on.  I am very independent and don't want a lot of help, but sometimes I just need someone to quietly stand next to me and help me stand for myself.  I do know how to ask for help and I have been able to let a few people do so.  But it hurts that so many people seem oblivious to the turmoil that feels so close to my surface these days. 

Adulting

It guess I gotta be an adult sometime.  I have to figure out how to live my life in a way that will bring me joy and allow me to use my talents.  I also have to figure out how to live my life so I can provide stability and nurturing to my littles.  I have to be able to do that for my littles while I am figuring everything else out-- and that is a bit tricky.

If I had to pick my well-being or my children's, I would pick my children's.  However, I know that my well-being contributes to my children's well-being.  I can not deny myself what is good and important in my life.  But, it is not just my journey anymore.  I gave up my own personal journey when I decided to make another life with my then life-partner.  The journey has changed, and there are more purposes in my life than just myself and my desires. 

I feel like I have gotten bigger-- me and my brood take up more space.  Its no longer me walking quietly down a hall.  Its me and my group of mini-people walking animatedly and sometimes loudly down the hall.  I am a momma duck with her ducklings following along-- they are getting older and go their own way, but I am still fortunate enough to pull them under my wings when I stop walking. (I was just thinking when I see a momma duck with her ducklings, I rarely look at her.. just her babies.  I think its the same when I am around my kids-- they are so much fun to watch)

I get terrified of making a wrong choice, but then I look at my kids, I look at my goals, and I realize that while I am still not exactly sure how I will achieve those goals, I am going to get there.  The end result will happen, and for that I am very content.

Objectiveness during depression

I was really depressed the other night.  I deal with depression on and off, but something didn't feel right, and I wasn't happy about it.  I know what set me off, and it was a small issue that shouldn't have affected me that much, but the overall feeling of my demons haunting me jumped in and took over.  My demons told me I would just never be happy.  Those are words from a previous partner, someone who claimed to know me best, he told me I would never be happy in my life because I was always wanting more.  I want too much and dream too much, and it was just too hard for me to realize reality has other plans.  The demons almost had me convinced he was right.  I was really stressed out by this, but was determined to ride it out calmly and be very objective and see what was really going on in my mind. 

I get really bad migraines, as everyone who has ever read one of my posts knows, and I have been able to link them to, among other things, hormonal changes.  This depression was due to the same issue.  Hormones are a very powerful chemical the body creates and most of the time we don't notice them.  When we do notice them, it means they are really making us aware of them, and often times they have wrecked havoc on the person experiencing them. 

Understanding that my headaches and depression and hormones were all at play, I remained calm.  I felt the migraine come and go.  The depressed feelings I had, the feelings of unworthiness and lack of hope eventually went away, the pain of the headache did not for another day.  But the experience was interesting for me to view.  When I feel beaten down and unable to do more, its generally because I am tired, my pain has been relentless, and I have a skewed perspective of my support system around me.  Take away these things, and its very logical why I am feeling the way I am.  And it ALWAYS passes.  Always, of that I can be sure, even if the headache is going for days, I know it will come to an end eventually.  The depression always subsides, and I can feel worthy of my blessings and see my family, friends and support people in their true angelic forms. 

I know I am thankful for what I have today and everyday.  I know that what I have makes me happy.  I also know I have an incredible amount of ambition that pushes me to want more.  Its something I do need to keep in check, but its also something that ensures I am following the right path and am staying engaged in the world around me. 

The circumstances around me will never be perfect.  I won't get what I want.  And this can be hard and depending on my current state, can be hurtful for me to deal with.  But I know how to deal with it, and I have faith I can get through it.  I am thankful for this perspective and I am thankful for those around me that are patient with me, even when I am not at my best.

2 years!

I have been out on my own for two years now!  I moved into this little duplex with my kiddos the end of July 2013.  I have to say the time has flown by--  it has been amazing,challenging, growing, and so many different emotions wrapped up!

First off, my kids are amazing.  They are strong and understanding.  They share both an innocence and wisdom that helps me put things in perspective.  Most of all, they give me hope for the future and keep me going when I would rather take a break and stop for a while.  Their quiet encouragement simply from living with me is amazing.  I want to be a better person for myself, but my kids make me want to be a better person right now.  And I love them for it. 

I personally have overcome so many changes.... I have learned to kill, or trap and take outside, spiders and stink bugs and other insects that in the past made me freeze.  I mowed the lawn here for the first time in my life.  I pay all the bills, I make sure rent is on time, I make sure I somewhat follow the budget I have set up for myself.  My house isn't super orderly, but I get the garbage out weekly and manage to stay on top of chores, trying to teach and get my kids involved as I have the energy to do so.  I work part time, and I have almost finished my degree. I have to say, a lot has happened in the past two years, and I am proud.

So, for those who doubted me... question my parenting ability, said hurtful things about me, here I am.  I have made it this far, and I believe while I have challenges ahead, and am not doing a perfect job, I also believe I am doing pretty good.  I am going to keep doing what I am doing.

Coping with dissapointment

My last post I had actual words, right before I hit publish I somehow highlighted all the words and hit space and then lost them all.  I was in a rush to get out the door, so I published anyway.  So... perfection is not my thing. 

I have been reflecting on disappointment from people I deal with.  1- There are those who have disappointed me in the past and I have learned from those experiences and let go of those relationship.  2- There are those who have disappointed me in the past, but are a part of my life, so I heave to learn to keep the relationship, let go of the disappointment, and set my boundaries.  Then 3- there are those who disappoint me but I love them sooooo much I forgive almost instantly and forget and keep going like it never happened.

The last group of people are generally people I gave birth to.

The first group of people have become a memory that I can appreciate as a valuable life lesson.

The middle group of people is tricky.  I am not doing so well with them.  Maybe I am.  But I am finding there are people in my life that I love and have relationships with, who disappoint me and will likely not change.  Some of them I do not love, but am required to keep a relationship for them for the sake of others (Refer to the last group of people).  Most of the time I can simply deal with my disappointments, and move on.  But there are days when I really don't appreciate having to be strong and set these feelings aside.  There are days when I just want to give up and say: You are a toxic person to me and you have hurt me, and I don't want to deal with you anymore.  This gets more complicated when its a person who I need in my life.  A person I love and admire, but this person likely won't ever change, so my cycle of forgiving and forgetting and drawing up new boundaries starts over.  This can be dear friends and even family members.  I can't just send them out of my life.  Life doesn't work that way. So....  I deal, I cope, and I let things run their course, and I keep those I need in my life, or the lives of my loved ones, and I try to protect myself. 

Dissapointments

Graduation

On Saturday I walked in the School of Social Works Graduation Ceremony!  I decided not to walk in the big one PSU puts on-- there are over 5000 graduates this years.  Oldest one 77, youngest 16.  WOW!  I had the chance to see my sister in law graduate a number of years ago and it was a long ceremony.  I loved it-- but I also didn't want to subject my children to that, so when the shorter version was available, I decide that was a better for me and my family. 

And it was perfect.  For them.  For me.  We had two speakers from our faculty.  We had two student speakers.  They said exactly what I needed to hear.  I have worked hard to get here.  I got here thanks to the support of my family, friends, extended networks.  I also accomplished this on my own.  It is my achievement that no one can ever take away from me. 

I got the kids up, and two out of three of them were compliant.  The 11 year old didn't want to go.  She told me she has spent enough time supporting me and didn't feel it was necessary to go to the graduation ceremony.  I was very calm and told her she had 5 minutes, or she was going in her nightgown.  She ended up coming downstairs dressed in about 4.  Of course, there was no smile on her face, quite the opposite, but I was trying not to let her get me down. 

We drove into Portland and parked in my usual parking spot and walked over to the Stott building.  I left my family there and went over to Hoffman hall to meet up with the rest of the SSW and CFS graduates for pictures.  After pictures we went back to Stott and went into the downstairs gym and lined up, waiting for our turn to walk.

Before we walked Ben Anderson Nathe, the Child and Family Studies program director, told us that only 38% of American's have their Bachelors Degree.  He told us this to tell us, no one should tell us we need to go on and get our Masters Degree, because we are simply amazing for having achieved this.  Thinking about this made me tear up and I think I started feeling the magnitude of my accomplishment. 

As we filed into the main gym, walking to the graduation tune, families were on all sides of us and were cheering us on.  My arms had goosebumps and the hairs stood on end.  My stomach felt excited and I was feeling pure joy.  Again, tears in my eyes that I was here and experiencing this.  I looked over and saw my children looking at me, two out of three smiling at me, and my sweetheart Darren cheering me on.  It felt so good and happy.  I was thrilled.  I am thrilled.  I can do hard things.

I got this!

Its been a crazy term!  I took 16 credits and am determined to finish up my two "I"'s on my transcript!  Its a crazy amount of work, but I was lucky and had a few teachers I knew and was aware of their routines so I knew I could work it out.  I just have the last minute crunch getting everything done by Monday!  YIKES!

 

I also found out I can walk with my graduating class June 13th, even though I won't actually finish my degree until the end of FALL term.  It makes sense since they only walk once a year, and I would want to walk with the 2015 class.  I decided to go for it, even though it might feel funny coming back to campus afterwards to finish up.  But I need this-- I have worked really hard for this.  I can do it. 

 

The color for the school of social work is citron-- which leads me to my new motto:

when life gives you lemons, go work your booty off and get a degree. 

 

The down side is my mom is out of town.  Had I had more notice, my sisters could have come in for it.  My children and Darren will be there to cheer me on, and those are my important people, but I wish I could share this moment with more of the people who supported me.  But honestly, it feels like a testament to the process... it was my choice, my journey, my fight to succeed.  When I look at it that way, I don't mind celebrating with just my immediate family.  I did this for me and my children.  No one else.  It works out to be kind of a beautiful way to end it, with me and them.  I am happy. 

 

 

 

I still have work to do.  I couldn't have done it without all the love and support I was given.  So there may be more posts of anxious homework and finals coming.... but so much has been accomplished.  I got this!

 

Clinging to the future, while appreciating the present

 

This statement is exactly how I feel right now: 

Remember how far you've come not just how far you have to go. 

You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be.

 

Today I am literally clinging to my future, but appreciating my present.  I have come so far from where I was.  I left a long term relationship where I was not appreciated, heard, respected.  I can not go into details of that relationship, but there were aspect that were not OK and have damaged me very deeply.  However hurt, I am still able to co-parent with this person and focus on my priorities, our children, and make sure they are secure, happy and still able to one day become contributing members of society.

 

I moved out to my own place, have been supporting my children, going to school, working anywhere from 12-20 hours a week.  I have had support from so many wonderful people but my success is my triumph.  I am so grateful to be able to see how much I have done, how far I have come.  I've been able to look at past mistakes and try to not replicate them.  It isn't easy.  Ever, but its possible.

 

And yet, I still have so far to go.  I am confident I will get there, but I am also anxious to be there already.  I am excited for my future adventures and where they might take me.  But it still feels so far away!  I have to say I feel closer to the end point that I did last year, or two years ago.  I am not there yet.  

Mindful Me

I have decided to try really hard this term to be very mindful.

Mindful means being present in what I am doing--focusing on what it right in front of me. 

I think if I can be mindful, focus on my tasks, stop living in the past, stop worrying about the future, I will be more successful than I have been. 

Happiness is....

Three healthy children minus these colds that won't go away.. but at least it isn't anything more serious.

Three wonderfully, amazing, and sweet sisters.. even though two live too far away from me, I was lucky to have them live close for years!

Parents who love me.. one who lives near by and will drop anything to help me, one who is close in spirit.

My sweet friends... those I see daily, and those I do not, but feel of their love daily.

A home.. even if it smells bad because of the water treatment plant-- at least my water is treated!

The privilege to finish school for my BS.. even if I have a monster headache from finishing up this last #$%&# paper!

Happiness is having so many things and so many people and so much to be thankful.  I have been blessed beyond measure.  I am so grateful for the people in my life who continue to love me.  I am grateful for the things in my life that provide comfort for me and my children.  I can never express my gratitude enough, but hopefully every day I will recognize the things I do have.

2 years ago

2 years ago I was with my Mom and my Sister Bethany and we waited with Dad as he took his last breath. 

We felt so much relief. 

We also felt so much anguish. 

I remember when we finally decided he was no longer with us, we huddled up and cried.  I heard someone wailing.  I couldn't tell if it was me or not. 

It was so sad, and so exhausting.  I have a spot in my heart that aches to see him again.  Even if he had his confused look in his eyes he seemed to have so often at the end.  I wish to joke with him and have a conversation with him, that in and of itself is not an important moment, but added to the peacefulness and value of daily life. 

It is so hard to believe my Dad has been gone for two years. 

Dad, I miss you so much.  So many times I wanted to feel your arms around my shoulders again.  So many times I want to squeeze you with my head on your shoulder where I always felt so protected and comforted.  So many times I wanted to hear the compassion in your voice that was genuine and real.  So many times I worry that I am lost without your guidance and support.  I have so many amazing memories of you.  So many reasons that I am who I am.  So many fun times we experienced together-- because of your effort in being my Dad. 

Being a good Dad takes and exceptional person, and you are an exceptional human being.

I miss you.  I love you.

 

 

Picture

I had a headache today-- sitting in my family law and policy class-- which sounds like a headache in itself-- but its not, its actually fascinating and my favorite class this term.... anyway... I was doodling.  Here is how I felt.

Last Minute Papers

Every term I think I will get my homework done and even turned in early. 

Every term I am up late the night a paper is due and I end up banging it out in one super stressed out, very focused work session. 

I do pretty good on my papers too as I am writing about topics I enjoy and am studying specifically for.  BUT-- I do not like the stress.  In fact, I dread it... I spend weeks sitting around looking at empty pages and reading and rereading the assignments and brow beating myself because I haven't sat down and actually worked on the guts of the project.  As I am taking harder and harder classes, its getting harder and harder to do. 

What to do?  Should I stop torturing myself and realize I am just going to wait until the last minute and not worry until that day arrives?  I am not sure-- but I am exhausted, my lips have broken out in cold sores.  I am not in a good place. 

But I know it will get better-- like the day after my last paper is due. 

6 Years Ago

Last night, feeling overwhelmed with homework, housework, children who were up several hours after having already gone to bed and not wanting to go back to sleep, I started crying.  It took me a minute to figure out what was going on.  But I think I figured it out.

6 years ago, I was having my third baby.  My sweet little Kathryn who is just the joy of my life.  She is generally a very happy person and always smiles at me and tells me she loves me.  She is fun, wild, and can be completely overwhelming time consuming with her needs and wants and the way she needs and wants things makes me want to do anything in my power to give it to her.

Last night the kids and I were looking at pictures from 6 years ago.  Little baby K, my big belly, young Leila and Nathan with their still round faces and small bodies.  I guess I was feeling nostalgic because 6 years ago I had everything.  I had a husband who loved me, I had my house, I had my three children, one of whom was brand new and all of us loved her so much. 

I am so thankful I still have my children and the love we have cultivated in our family.  However, everything else is gone, and I think I spent time last night grieving for my losses.  I still can't quite make sense of how my marriage is simply over after all the shared experiences and shared love.  And what I have now is still good, but its hard.  I worry I am not good enough for this ultimate challenge.  Its hard work to keep my kids up and running and their needs met, hard work to keep up on my homework, hard work to make a new relationship work, and hard work to keep my house running in the way I want it too.  What's harder is to admit that I am not doing a real good job in any one area, all areas are suffering.  And that isn't OK. 

I've been told to give myself a break and take it easy, but when its my kids, or the I am trying to provide them... it just feels too important.  Last night my boyfriend asked me what can I do?  And I said, there is no solution.  This is what it is and until I get done with school and can devote more time to the kids I am simply stuck feeling this way.  And then I worry because I will be starting a new career.  Will the stress of that simply take the place of the stress of school and keep me from taking care of all the needs within my home? 

It feels like 6 years ago I had it better under control.  But looking back on it, it was hard then too.  Just a different kind of hard.

Again I have to say how thankful I am that I have what I have.  I really have so much.  I realize I haven't completely dealt with my feelings of the loss of my marriage as it happened during such a difficult time with so many other losses and hurts.  I think my tears last night(Since I haven't been able to freely cry for years) were a good thing, now I just have to sort out the feelings that go with them.  And find balance so I don't feel so darned inadequate all the time.

Thoughts on Burdens

These are not new thoughts.  But over the past week, they are what has come to my mind as important thoughts. 

Some things in life are just too much. I wish I could just take away some of the pain, but that isn't what life is about. We carry and endure our own burdens and love and support our loved ones through theirs.

To watch someone you love experience pain, physical or emotional, can be almost unbearable.  When you can't kiss away the booboo, or you can't slice off the end of their pain and just hold it for a while so they can catch their breath.  The experience is something they have to go through and unique to them.  This doesn't mean I haven't been affected by event that caused the pain they are experiencing and am not experience my own pain, but theirs is so deep and so intense that I know mine doesn't compare.  I want to take it on to give them rest, but I can not.  So I can only hold onto them and let them know I am here.  Its much easier to do when you are there physically, but I do believe thoughts and prayers can reach out as well. 

Emotional wounds take as much time, if not more, than physical wounds to heal. We can not expect to jump back into life and live as normal. We can only do what is right in front of us, and listen to our body when it says its time to rest. My heart is broken, and I am mourning. But I am also so grateful for the love of family and friends.

My sister commented how she went out and took care of an errand today and came home and was wiped out before 10:00AM.  It made me think about how her body is enduring the pain of her heartbreak.  A major organ has experienced an extreme trauma.  If she had had heart surgery, no one would expect her to get up and be at 100% a week later.  Her heart is broken, and she can't expect herself to be up and around.  It will take time to heal and she needs to be very in tune with her body to ensure she is taking it easy so that healing can take place.  I really wish I was there to make sure she puts herself first, and that everyone in her home is getting the support they need.  But she does have her people there who love her and will take care of her. 

We were concentrating so hard on getting my sister through the funeral, afterwards at her house, I said to her:  We got you through the funeral.  Now its just the rest of your life you need to get through.  I can't imagine she, or her family, will experience anything without thinking what it would be like to have the Father of their home with them.  There will always be an ache in their hearts and a hole that will never be filled.

So sad

I am writing with a very heavy heart. 

My brother-in-law lost his fight with depression this morning and is no longer with us.  He was simply a great guy-- I loved him and I am sure if I had a real brother he would have been like him.  He and I had some great one on one time before he and my sis were married, and for that I am thankful for our relationship.  He was very logical, thoughtful and open minded.

I am so sad. 

I am sad for my nieces and nephews.  They are going to be fatherless.  They are too young to be fatherless.  They shouldn't have to know this pain.  We adults can deal with it, but they have done nothing and shouldn't have any reason to deal with this pain.  I was having very acute separation pains from my Dad this week. I wonder if he was somehow signaling to me that something devastating would happen, or maybe he was reminding me where he was, and he would be there for him. 

I am sad for my sister.  She was working hard to determine how to go forward in her life and relationship with her husband.  She and her husband had so many obstacles to work through and so often she was positive even though there were hurt feelings inside.  She often put her pain away to her own detriment and to help others, her children, and even husband.  He hurt her so deeply, but she wasn't sure giving up on him was the answer.  They had a deep friendship and love, but that didn't make it easy.

I am sad for my brother - in - law.  He won't get to experience his children growing up.  He won't get to dance with his Daughter on her Wedding Day, or see his Son graduate College. (Or vice versa, see his daughter graduate, and boogie with his boy).  He won't be able to snuggle his Grand babies the day they are born and join in on their blessings.  HE is going to miss out on so much.  I am so sad for HIM.

I completely understand that depression is an illness and when someone takes this step it is often because their mental illness is so far gone that they simply can't see their own worthiness of any one's love.  But, I really don't have any idea how that must feel that they throw it all away, that they can't hold on for one more day. 

Until we meet again my sweet friend and brother.  I might kick you where it counts, but I will hug you and be happy to see you again.

http://marymerriment.hubpages.com/hub/A-Suicide-Survivors-Guide-for-Grieving-Based-on-Personal-Experience

How do you self care?

I have come to loathe the term:  "Self-Care". 

Full Definition of LOATHE, transitive verb :  to dislike greatly and often with disgust or intolerance :  detest

Why?  Self-care is so important.  It is vital to anyone now-a-days, especially a single mom who goes to school full time, works part time, has chronic headaches, can never seem to get enough sleep, has three wonderful very energetic children.... 

 

Because "self-care" is a term that should take care of all my issues so I can go forward and do what I need to do to keep myself happy and all those around me happy and all my obligations in tact.  If I am not getting enough rest, or my headaches are being relentless, or I don't feel like going to work, or my kids are driving me nutso, it is obviously my own fault because I am not engaging in "self-care".

 

Since when did "self-care" become a burden?  I think it became a burden when I realized I am not getting enough of it, and I am not able to get enough of it because of what is going on in my life at the moment.  I can't do everything for everyone, and I can't do a lot of things for myself.  So every day if I can grab a moment of what I like to call SANITY by quietly filling up my water bottle and taking a deep breath, or taking a shower and spending an extra minute or two just stand there and relax, I have to accept that as the best I can do right now. I still get overwhelmed by school, chores, work, kids, and other obligations, BUT its the little moments I can take care of myself and they will just have to add up because I don't have time for a "self-care" hour a day, but if I am mindful, my self-care is just an inherent part of my day, and not another item on my to-do list.

Small Plan Changes

I enrolled at PSU back in Spring 2013-- and deferred my enrollment to Fall 2013.  I applied and was accepted in the Child and Family Studies Program in the School of Social Work.  I was so excited to do this-- I applied when my life was pretty much upside down and inside out.  I was following a passion that I had very little support to follow, but I just went for it.  Turns out the timing was better than I could have ever asked for. 

I planned to graduate Spring 2015, but last term I found out that wouldn't be able to happen.  I wasn't really sure why, but I think my specialty (family life educator) had more requirements than I realized.  So, I recalibrated my plans, decided to make life really hard on myself and take some super heavy loads both this term and next term, so I could finish up with my last practicum and my senior capstone in Summer and have my degree at the end of Summer Term 2015.

I just can't do it.  I am lucky to have a non-certified counselor as an older sister, as well as a few other people who love me enough to tell me its OK if I don't actually kill myself, or make myself go insane with 17 class credits this term.  Everyone assumes I can decide for myself what is an appropriate amount of work to take on or not.  And I can.  However, the value of having people in your life who support you to give you advice and really identify what your needs are is priceless.  I mean, its only week 1 and I am stressing out over the amount of reading and writing that is required in all of my classes.  In my gut I know I bit off more than I can chew.  I needed a few people to tell me its OK to admit that and make another change.

So I dropped one course this term. I am only taking 13 credits. 

I am disappointed.  This likely means I won't be able to graduate in Summer.  BUT, I think I will still be able to graduate in 2015.  I am disappointed my plan isn't going as I imagined it, but its still going to be completed and in the long run, it won't matter exactly when I get my degree. 

I am relieved that I can take one class load off of my shoulders this terms.

I am proud of myself that I am putting my needs in front of my ego, which told me I needed to follow through and do it as I planned to do it. 

Life is important and I can't loose sight of what I am dealing with right now.  I don't feel good often times, which makes reading and studying and writing to all hours of the night very difficult.  I don't want to neglect my children as I study. I can't miss out on their lives just because I am busy torturing myself with the requirements of my own.  I need to be flexible and willing to do the things when they are best to be done.  If it takes me longer that is OK.  Small plan changes are happens when life is being lived.  And I am at a point where I can't beat myself up for it. 

Everything changes... and still stays the same

Its been so long since I have posted something on this blog.  I am rereading my posts and I am impressed with my ability to articulate my words and really put my finger on my feelings, my pain.  I haven't been as tuned in with my body as I was.  So much has changed in my life since my last post.  And yet so much has stayed the same. 

One big change is I haven't been able to write.  Not freely for creativity anyway.  I write all the time for school, I am back in school and have encountered some courses that have required pages and pages of writing each week.  I learned to write in APA Style and my critical thinking about what I am reading and learning and then choosing to discuss in written word is organized in a different way than I have ever needed to organize it.  I also don't read like I used to.  Not for fun anyway.  I read textbooks, journal articles, peer papers.  I miss having these two outlets for release.  I am hopeful when my school day are over, these will come back as hobbies and skills that help me to find balance, relaxation, and recreational knowledge. 

My living situation has changed.  With no husband to kill spiders, I learned to kill spiders.  Not just for me, but for my children as they have learned to be afraid of them too.  I take out the garbage, and I swear every week when I drag the can out to the curb I get a tingle of excitement at my own independence.  I'd rather not have this chore, mind you, but it is something I never did before and its something I am completely capable of doing.  Even killing the bugs that scare my children. Having always been a very independent person, I have found that if I have someone else to rely on, I will most definitely rely on them and expect them to take on these roles or chores.  But, I don't need someone to do these basics.  On the somewhat opposite side of that thought, I have learned to ask for help.  I have learned to say when I am not handling things well and when I need an ear to whine to.  I can accept help in areas of my life I have never needed it before, such as financial or physical needs of my family.  It isn't easy, but I can. 

My head still hurts.  My kids still need me.  The dishes still need to be done.  The laundry still, always, needs to be put away.  I still have my most important role of Mommy to play.  My oldest sometimes gets frustrated with me and my limitations.  The younger two complain of boredom when I just can't go out.  And I worry.  I worry I am not keeping their environment clean enough, or their rooms organized enough, or their minds entertained enough.  But I am doing my best, and I love my kids.  We work together and we communicate our needs clearly.  One of my children has a harder time communicating than the other two and I am working with this child, but I think this will their issue possibly their entire life.  We are still dealing with the family issues, just in a different way since my last post.  I am still dealing with my challenges of my headaches, and my physical pain, but life keeps one going and I just keep moving forward.  Which is what I always did.  So, everything has changed, but not really.