Holiday Stress... Or finding that peaceful place

Christmas was magical when I was younger. I had a dreamy childhood with everything a girl could want.

Things shifted as I got older. Maybe it was my first holiday away from home. I lived in Brussels my senior year of high school. Back in 1993, letters and packages were the main way of communication. My holiday box from my family had not arrived. After having been with a very large extended family and experiencing some amazing and wonderful things we came back to our city home. I went up to my room on the fifth floor, and I sat alone wishing I could snuggle in my moms arms, or lay my head on my dads shoulders, or play with my little sister.

Since then, I have come to realize the holidays are not a guarantee of magic. They had always effortlessly been before. Now that I'm a mother and am trying to replicate the magic of the season for my babies I find my self on edge, stressed out, worried, cranky, insecure, and very sensitive of the behaviors of those around me.

I needed a check in yesterday, and I got it. I snuggled with my kids as we watched Christmas movies. We decided against going to our planned party and just enjoyed each other. It was nice.

In times of stress I need to remind myself of my priorities. It doesn't seem to always come natural anymore. Especially in times of stress.

My priorities are simply the people I love: my children, my family, my very dear friends. I am blessed with many dear friends.

Does this eradicate the stresses of the holidays? No. But If am taking care of myself, if I am taking the time to reflect on my blessings; If I am taking the time to refocus on those I love, who love me; The stress will still be present. The pain is inevitable. But my mind will be more peaceful. And that is the first step for me. Finding that peaceful place.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Accepting my limitations

It has taken me years to accept my limitations.

And I am sure that acceptance isn't complete either.

But, for the most part I have accepted my limitations as a person with all my flaws and issues. Always trying to improve, but realizing I have to be happy with what and who I am, both the good and the bad.

For the most part, I've accepted my limitations in regards to my migraine headaches.

Some days its easier than others.

It has taken me years to learn to live with my pain, mostly out of necessity of paying rent and caring for others. When all I had was an employer dictate my priorities I had no problem taking care of work, using all the energy I had, and then dealing with what was left over. Now that my demands have added children and other types of responsibilities I don't have the luxury of doing what needs to be done as long as I possibly can waiting until I can collapse- collapsing isn't an option. I have to do what I CAN DO, and no more, even if there is more left to do. I've accepted that. But its hard to draw a line at times. It's even harder when those around me push me up against my limits.

My limitations are no longer my own- they affect those around me and can cause distress to them.

My three year old often asks to kiss my headache.  She will ask me if I am sick today and if I can come down and be with her, or if we need to watch a movie up on my bed.  This is painful for me, because she accepts my limitations as a part of life.  I know my children will grow up simply knowing their mom had headaches and wasn't always at her best when they needed her most. What a painful thought.  This thought leaves me feeling empty and sad in ways I can't even describe.

As if that isn't enough pain-- as if I don't worry enough about what the ramification of my limitations are-- there are those who are dubious or disappointed in my performance.  

I know in my heart I am doing the best I can.   I usually don't care what others think of me.  However, when its a close loved one, a strong support person, I do care what they think.  Not only is it hard to see them let down by me, I've come to realize they have let me down as well.   Their judgement hurts.

The way my mind works, I want to find my faults and eradicate them. Unfortunately this physical issue is somewhat out of my control. I can take medications, I can relax and practice other techniques to help cope. However, I can't always change the pain.

I am at a point in my life where I have found peace in myself, in my pain, in my limitations.  I've found peace in my strengths and talents and the fact I am an abled body person who can work and live despite her pain.  My life isn't perfect.  It never will be.  I am OK with that. 

So, how do I get others to be OK with that?  How do I help others accept my limitations, my imperfect life?  These are people I love, admire, and want in my life.  But I don't think I ever really help them.  I know without question I will never change them.  This is my journey.  I can only be hopeful those who join me will choose to accept me with all my faults.  With my faults are some pretty amazing merits.  If they can't or choose not to, its understandable.  It's also their loss. Mine too, but really, what can I do about it?

Goals and Migraines

I had some really good goals this month.  I accomplished zilch.  Including using this blog again.  Not to say I didn't get anything else good and productive done, but I set several goals for myself this month and didn't achieve them.  I felt I even backslid a bit.  Its frustrating and upsetting.  I hold myself to a high standard.  I disappoint myself all too often. I can tell myself its cuz I have a headache, nauseau, vertigo, extremem pain, but it doesn't feel like a good enough excuse.  Not only can I not perform my daily life "good enough", but my excuses aren't  "good enough" either. 

Sigh....  but what can I do?  Negative self talk isn't helpful.  It doesn't make me get my goals done.  So, tonight I will go to bed and close my eyes and not worry about the things I didn't do today, and tomorrow I will try again.

Funny Dreams

I have had amazing wonderfully crazy dreams lately.  A lot of them are mirroring my real life, except they have a flair of something fantastical in them.... like some gorgeous red heels, a really fast sports car, a mob boss career, or such as last night:  I was dreaming about our family trip to Disneyland in September.  While waiting for others to arrive I was talking to some girls who couldn't believe I was 36!  They thought there was no way I could be old enough to be a mother to an 8 year old!  Amazing dream!  I woke up feeling like I looked way older than my 36 years, but I appreciated the compliment my subconscious was trying to give me.

I had a really rough night last night.  The pain is intense, I took a lot of different medication and now I feel sick from it, and still have the pain.  Overall I have to say the headaches have been better for me.  But the average person would still complain.  Overall I have to say I am very grateful for my life and my ability to act and do the things I need and sometimes want to do.  But I still can't do it all.  Overall, things are better, but they are still hard.

I need to recommit to this blog/journal and decide how to use it.  Am I using it for my personal purposes, for outreach purposes, for fun(ha!)?  I am figuring it out.  But I do need to use it.  For whatever reason I am going through my trial locked in this body with pain I need to express it.  I need to share how I cope and live with it.  I feel a need to record my experiences, possibly for my children and posterity.  They may or may not find my actions helpful to them, but they will likely find some humor and humanity in them.  Or maybe not-- maybe its just for me to get my problems out so I can move onto the next item in my head.  Whatever the case may be, it feels good to get it out.