Thursday, December 31, 2009

Its just me

My husband has had the last week off- we have been pretty busy visiting friends, running errands, organizing our home to keep it organized to start off 2010 right. I usually wake up with some pain- and with him home its been a wonderful chance to pass the baby off to him and sleep another 15 minutes or at least have some quiet time to collect my courage to meet the day head-on.

Today was our first day with little to do, so I planned lunch with a friend. So many people tell me I need to just let loose and have fun with my friends. That should help. In the middle of lunch(and it was wonderful to have this time with a friend and no kids) the headache lurked in the back ground. I got home took some meds and layed down. That should help. I woke up with the same headache a little louder. I went downstairs and watched Monsters vs. Aliens with the kids and it hit me hard. Ugh. I took some stronger stuff. We had dinner. That did help. I am feeling much better, just really tired.

So, ask me how I am and I will tell you fine. I probably have a headache. But its just me. Its my lot in life.

2010- when I am done nursing the baby I will go back to the Doctor to start the always enjoyable process of finding the right solution.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Bear

I move my head and it throbs. Light sends pain searing through my eyeballs. Sound is excruciating. Movement hurts. People not listening to me annoys me. My fuse is so short and the pain is so relentless that I have transformed into a bear of polar proportion.

Everyone suffers.

I cry.

I cry because not only do I hurt so bad, but I feel just horrible about the monster I have turned into. I cry because my sweet husband and adoring children do not deserve to be treated this way.

Now, not only do I feel horrible physically. I feel horrible in my heart.

It hurts- my heart hurts when I realize that those surrounding me get caught up in my storm, as if they are standing on the outskirts of a storm system, and the pain they feel is not like mine. The pain they feel is caused by me. By my words. They are remembering me being this way. I am not just a cranky mom/wife in pain, but to them I am simply a cranky and sometimes mean.

I am also angry. I am angry my husband has limits on his patience. I am angry he gets the "easy" job to run off to work and provide for our physical needs while I am at home in a very dark place trying to provide for the emotional needs of our family. Angry that I can never have a day off. That I can never have enough time to really deal with the root causes of this pain. And I have to let go of this anger before the pain subsides or I just stay a bear.