Weakness

Adjustment better... hormones stable... life somewhat normal and I am feeling pretty OK.  Almost like other people might feel, at least I think that might be the case. 

However, last week was a very stressful week.  Some good stress, more bad stress, some personal disappointment, and a lot of busy days made my life a little hectic.  With the craziness I haven't been taking as good of care of myself as I should be, as I normally do.  I have been a bit down.  And I have woken with several really bad headaches.

Thankfully, these headaches didn't last all day as they would have, but I find myself watching me from the outside thinking:  Is she really so weak that a few days of blues, or a few things of stress that ultimately she can not change will cause her to physically react?  Why would my weakness manifest itself into pain in my head.  Have I somehow directed it there?

I am not sure whats up with that.  Its mostly a passing thought, but I am wonder how its all connected.

So whats my overall mood:  So very thankful for my loving friends and family.  Frustrated with several disappointments the past week brought, and worried about several family members and their current situations.  And tired... very very tired.  Still blue.  But not in pain every day. Yay!

Oh Yawn....

So, after a month of being on my new drug cocktail, I was quite encouraged.  I noticed my pain not being nearly as intense as it had been, or as often.  I had more energy and was able to accomplish more of the things I desire to accomplish each day.  So, as usual, I started filling my weekly drug holder that gives me my daily pills in AM and PM format so I don't rely on my very poor memory to make sure I am taking all my meds.  While doing so I realized I needed to get my prescriptions refilled.  Except why do I have so many of my newest drug left.  I re-read the label and realized I had only been taking half of the directed dose.  Oops.  Here is what came to mind:

• Yay!  Only half of what the doc wanted me to take helped me considerably!  Maybe I don't need it all.  (I am not sure why I am so embarrassed by the amount of meds I am taking)
• I wonder..... if I take the full dose if I will feel even better?

And then:

• Ugh, if I up the dosage then I will have another week or so of adjustment.

I decided to up the dose to the prescribed amount.  It felt like the adjustment took a bit longer this time around.  And lately I have had daily headaches and general overall lack of motivation to get things done and take care of myself, which is a contrast to those few weeks when I was feeling really good.  Of course I have my typical hormonal changes that wreck havoc to my system, so I am sure in another week life will be better again.  I am not sure what is going on.   It just feels like a set back.  I don't like it.

What a difference

My life has changed incredibly.

The new meds took a week or so to adjust.  I am here, 4 weeks almost later, with a whole new drug regime and I actually feel like a contributing member of society.  At least I don't feel like such a failure around my home to my husband and children. 

Its an odd feeling to go to bed at night and realize I don't have pain.  Its an odd thing to have the energy to pick up the kids, get dinner started, pick up around the house, help the kids with homework, and have them help set the table so by the time darling husband is home we are the picture of perfection getting dinner on the table.  OK, not quite picture of perfection.  BUT, I feel vindicated  to some degree that no, I was not in fact lazy, depressed, faking it, or all those other hurtful things certain people said of me.  It was actually my pain.

I still have headaches several times a week.  I have a new rescue med that seems to help a bit more.  To say I am able to pay more attention to signals is the truth.  When one headache lead into another, or a headache lasted days or weeks, to find a trigger or a signal was just about impossible.  I am treating myself gingerly and paying close attention to the ringing in my ears, to the irritability I express shortly before a headache, and of course I can expect a headache depending on the time of month with more certainty than ever.  Now that I can feel a headache coming on, OTC meds are more helpful since I can take it before everything goes crazy.

I am not better.  I am not healed.  But right now life is so different for me.  I don't like being on this much medication.  I do plan on asking to wean off or mess with dosages in a few months, but for now I am appreciating what a normal life seems to be.  And I like it!

Here we go!

Went in to the Doc today... and came home with several new meds.  I am actually hopeful these might do the trick and help me a bit.  However, in the back of my mind is skepticism.  I am choosing not to listen to that for now.

Kids started school and we are starting to get a normal routine.  This also gives me hope.

My big girl was up with a bad dream, which woke up the other two.  Husband has an early morning meeting so I spent a good hour getting everyone calm and back to sleep.  And now, I am wide awake!  I have several things to do tommorrow, so I am hoping my crazy night tonight won't make it too hard for me.

But its nice to feel hopeful anyway.

ugh

I am so down today.  I am very tired and blue.  I will see my doctor next week- I couldn't bear to make arrangements on the last week of summer farming the kiddos out.  But I am just not feeling well and so tired of not feeling well.  I want to just feel better right now.  Or as my two year old often yells at me:  right this minute!  We are working on being kind in our home....

I have some fun creative plans that involve fruit- so I plan on working through my blues with colors of peach.  That will help, I am sure of it!

Didn't Wait

After a  very bad weekend following a really bad week and then heading into another rotten week, I decided not to wait.  I called the doc and adjusted some meds with an appointment to go in and see her in about a month.  I just did it.  No humming or hawwing.  No cold feet.  I called.

These headaches are controlling my life.  I am sure life will get better as routines and schedules normalize, but its not fair to my family for me to wait.  Its not fair to me to wait.  I am trying to be a better  wife and mother.  This hopefully will help me.

waiting for schedules....

Its been a while since I have posted.  I have considered deleting this blog-- or just making it private to only my eyes.  Haven't decided its future.

Its been a tough summer for me physically.  Not too bad considering the cooler temps we have had here in the Portland Area- only a few days over 80, while there are people DIEING from heat in the rest of the nation.  We still pack and carry around our hoodie's just in case.  Only in Oregon I guess.  But I haven't been well.  I am sick of it.  The kids are ready for school to start, but Oregon starts the day after Labor Day-- this is to accommodate all the farming folk.  I say that a roll my eyes a bit...

I haven't been able to get my exercise in.  I am not exercising, so I don't feel well.  I don't feel well, so I don't exercise.  What a conflict.  I have an amazing exercise group that I join three days a week right after I drop the kiddo's off at school.  The toddler gets to play with the other kids and us Mom's keep an eye out on the group as they go from one end of the church gym to the other(usually in a herd-like fashion).  For whatever reason I haven't been able to get my booty over there this summer.  I am definitely up and at 'em at  8:30 AM, but not able to get out the door.  I have gone running a few times, and I have found running in the morning is much more pleasant than running in the evening.  Problem is I don't feel so good in the morning(because i haven't been exercising perhaps), and unless I have a buddy I am meeting up with, I can't seem to make myself go on my own.  Lame.  I know.

So, while I want to run into the doc, I am hesitant.  I know come September schedules will be back to normal.  It will be busy with a boy in soccer, a girl in scouts and dance, and my ever busy toddler, hopefully in a dance or swim class herself.  BUT, I will have more structure to my time and will be able to count on several actions that will help me out.  I will hold on until then.  So... until then.... wish me luck!

being a caregiver

I am not well today. Headache of course.. stomach issues... nausea... widespread body pain. I am trying to lay low, but there is just too much going on. Mostly too much going on in my brain. Thankfully we do not have to be anywhere this morning, so even though I am not sleeping, I am not doing anything too extraneous.

My husband has Type 2 diabetes for a few years now. While its been under control, he hasn't been very good at monitoring it and recently it has spun out of control and we have been dealing with trying to pull it back in. Its a wake up call, but he has a lot of (mental?) issues in dealing with this disease. I am not sure he ever got out of the denial stage people go through when they learn of something big in their life. I am not sure if he is just in denial still, or if its arrogance, thinking he can over come problems with minimal effort, or a bit of laziness, not wanting to deal with it, so he doesn't. Whatever the reason, I am laying in bed at night wondering what is going on in his blood stream.

Last week included a trip to the ER because of high blood sugars. I watched them care for him, lecture him, and ultimately send him back home to take care of himself. I then watched as he did only a few things he was supposed to. So, I decided this week his apprehension for whatever reason had to stop. I took charge, called his doctor, who was out on vacation through next week. Since his doctors on-call doctors were not sure if his situation was emergency enough for a call-back, I got him into my doctor. We were both pleased with our visit with her and I appreciate again the time she takes in discussing health issues. It helps she specializes in diabetes prevention and treatment.

I am walking a fine line with my husband that I HATE. I don't want to be a nag. I do not want to be his mother. But we have too much riding on his health for me to step back and say: 'Its your life.' Its not just his life. Its our life. Its the life our children. He won't simply drop dead from this disease, he will have complications that will cause our family considerable stress for years to come.

In the meanwhile I am suffering my usual headaches and not getting my usual support from him. And I don't blame him- he should be focused on himself. He won't put his concerns into words and has shut down(He can't seem to talk about his feelings), but its obvious he is worried and very self-focused. His shutting down and not talking to me only escalates my concerns. I am filling my usual rolls and Mom and Wife. I am also having to step up to take better care of him. And with little acknowledgement from him and without his usual support to my own health issues.

I am very tired. I woke up this morning with a prayer on my lips for those around me suffering and going through unpleasant things or considerable changes- my husband included. I didn't think to add myself to that list. I will do that next time.

Body Combat

I went to BODY COMBAT today.  I am not sure I want to be at combat with my body... however... I am finally on the upswing of a several day-- actually a week and half long-- headache.  I have had varying degrees of pain over the past week or so.  This morning I felt the pain was around a 2- and after I got up and got moving I felt I could totally handle it today.  So I went with my neighbor to a local class(first class was free).

We were punching our (imaginary) opponent across the ring.  I was trying to visualize what I was beating the crap out of.  The face of my friends soon to be cheating x-husband popped in my head.  That felt good.  Then my sweet husband's face who has become sick of my headache this time around also floated through my mind- except he still takes care of me even when he is tired of it so I sent his face on its way with very little assault.  So-- I imagined my pain. 

My pain didn't have a shape or a form-- but I was hitting it and punching it-- upper cuts and side swipes.  It felt good.  It felt good to move and sweat.  It felt good to beat this thing.

After the work-out I felt good.  I am cautious-- I am a bit shaky and my stomach still a bit tangled from the headache.  But otherwise I am feeling good.  The visualization was definitely a positive thing for me.  I look forward to running in the morning.  Maybe I can visualize my pain behind me and I can simply out-run it?

Waking up is hard to do!

Do you ever wake up feeling amazing?  Do you wake up ready to take on the world?  Energy coursing through your veins?  A spring in your step?

Sigh.... I wish I did. 

Every morning I wake up in pain.  Once I get up and going it usually goes away.  When I was younger I would simply stay in bed.  When I got older and responsibilities wouldn't allow that behavior I pushed through it.

But I am tired of it.  I am tired of the daily pain.  I am tired of the fight every single morning.  I  keep wondering why-- why is this test here for me?  What am I learning from this that will make me a better person?  Why is this my challenge?  Ugh.... 

At least I have a sweet husband who will run downstairs and get me medication when I wake up.  He also will get the children fed while I am getting ready so my job of getting them out the door to school is that much easier.  I really have so much... so I guess this pity party is over.

It was good while it lasted

So, I was very fortunate to go on a vacation last week with my best girl friend.  My husband appeared to be super supportive and we had help from his lovely mother with the kids and I was able to enjoy my time away from them and my time with good friends and new experiences.

I really miss travelling.  My biggest regret in life is that I didn't travel more before children.  Of course, we can still travel with kids, but money is a big factor and different destinations are needed for this phase of our lives.

Anyway- I was able to spend much time every day in meditation and relaxation.  I was able to listen to my body and focus on my physical needs.  I was able to take preventative medication and stay on top of my headaches so that for the most part I didn't have them.... or was able to get rid of them quite quickly.  The uninterrupted sleep helped me, I am sure.  The non-demands of children needs, husband needs, home needs helped me too.  I felt truly relaxed and calm and enjoyed each moment as it happened. 

I talked to my kids each day.  My boy needed a song every night.  I missed them and planned what we would do on our next visit(My brother-in-law lives there, so its likely we will visit again).  Coming home was an enjoyable experience to be reunited with my babies.  I jumped right into the fire as the Teacher Appreciation Coordinator for the week and have been busy at the kids school. 

I haven't had the same amount of time to meditate or relax.  I haven't had the same care-free ability I had on vacation.  I haven't been able to truly listen to my body.  My headaches have been back.  I am focusing on the positives and while the pain is still extreme, I am trying to capture that same care-free attitude I had on vacation.  Its OK if things don't go according to plan.  Its OK if things aren't perfect, or even close to perfect.  I need to be making good memories and be enjoying every moment at hand.  The pain - free days were good while they lasted, but I can keep my attitude in check and make an effort to enjoy all my days.

Sliding

I've been letting things slide-- and its not OK.  Not really I don't think.

I am not sleeping as well- my routine I was trying to follow so perfectly fell by the wayside.
I am not communicating as well with my husband- my old fears of inadequacy and shame for the way I feel keep me from being truthful.
I've been sincerely trying to give myself an easier time with my limitations, however, this past week I have felt insecure about how these limitations are affecting my husband, my babies, my relationships.  That insecurity causes stress, which doesn't help with the sleep or the communication aspect.  I've pulled in and isolated myself a bit.

Its all a big circle.  I have to keep reminding myself as I go through my cycle of pain: the ups(no pain, or less pain), and the downs(painful days when its hard to keep my head above water), that I am OK.

The night my pain started up this past week I knew it would be a long one and prepared myself mentally.  Or I tried to anyway.  I took note of what I was feeling.
I told my husband I feel trapped. 
I feel trapped in this body. 
I feel trapped in this pain. 
Does it really matter what I do or how I cope?
These headaches are part of my life.  I just have to deal with then- they are part of who I am.  The limitations are simply just there.  I often refuse to let them slow me down too much, so this week I have tried to keep up the exercising and my usual pace of life.  I wasn't as forthcoming to friends and family with my pain this week. Honestly, it wasn't as bad as last months, however it was bad.  I was just tired of hearing myself complain.  And that was OK to ignore it- I almost felt normal when with people. 
And thankfully circumstances allowed me to take it easy to some degree.

Friday was a perfect day weather wise.  I am pretty sure I had a headache, but as I think back on that afternoon, I remember sitting on the front porch while the kids played on bikes and with sidewalk chalk and our picnic basket.  I pulled my pants up above my knees and took off my shoes.  I closed my eyes and faced the sun.  The sun baked my skin, but before I could get too hot, a gentle breeze would cool me down and I felt at peace.  I became aware of the stillness inside myself as I felt physical comfort and enjoyed the sounds of my children.  It doesn't matter today wether or not I had a headache, it only matters I felt the peace in that moment and can close my eyes and remember back on it.  That is a blessing I am so grateful for.

The Journey Continues

So, yes, life is getting better for me headache wise.

I say this, because its been a week since my week-long headache that made me sicker than sick and almost useless.  It was so bad I went into the doctor again to see what she could do(plus I needed to discuss some of my new meds she put me on).  She didn't give me the answer I wanted, but the answer she gave me is one I haven't tried.  So I will try that before I poo-poo it.

I am amused at several of my dear friends who when they ask me how I am feeling, and I answer good, they then ask me if I am lieing.  Apparently more of them read my blog than I realize.  Ha!  Those of you who ask me the second question are the ones I would be honest with in the first place.  I appreciate and love you.  Thank you for being you.

I am also amused at so many other people in my life, who definitely care about me and have heard me say my headaches are improving, who assume I am 'cured'. 

There is no cure to migraine and chronic headache.  I still experience a headache almost every day of my life.  I am coping better, I am treating the headaches and pain better, and communicating my needs better with my loved ones(mainly my husband a few close friends).  I am not judging myself as harshly as I did before for not getting things done or living life the way I think I should live it. 

I am grateful to be in the position I am in now.  I appreciate my pain free moments so very much.  I appreciate my husband and all he does for me.  I appreciate my children and their love and compassion for me.  I appreciate my friends who are simply there for me and are genuinely happy for my pain free moments as well.

I know I am not out of pain completely.  I know I have days that are very difficult to endure.  But I am grateful for what I do have.  My journey continues, but its not without hope and its not without the love of those who have proven their love to me.

3 Minute Breathing Space

1. Awareness

Bring yourself into the present moment by deliberately adopting an erect and dignified posture.  If possible, close your eyes then ask:  "What is my experience right now...in thoughts...in feelings... and in bodily sensations?"  Acknowledge and register your experience, even if it is unwanted.

2. Gathering

Then, gently redirect full attention to breathing, to each in breath and to each out breath as they follow, one after the other.  Your breath can function as an anchor to bring you into the present and help you tun into a state of awareness and stillness.

3. Expanding

Expand the field of your awareness around your breathing, so that it includes a sense of the body as a whole, your posture, and facial expression.  The breathing space provides a way to step out of automatic pilot mode and reconnect with the present moment.  The key skill in using mindfulness is to maintain awareness in the moment.  Nothing else.

Some Links

I have a headache tonight-- its my typical PMS headache that will likely last for 3-5 days.  But I am expecting it and will try to treat it well, and take notes so I can go back to the Doctor next week and find out what she can do for these specific hormonal headaches.  My sweet husband took all three kids to the kids school to see a movie.  I was surprised he offered to take all three- the baby is now two and quite the the wild card.  I hope they don't come home early.

Here area few links I am subscribed to and am learning a lot from.  I am getting news and updates, as well as other people who are like me(migraine sufferers) who have been able to put their voice out there and bring comfort:

http://migraine.com/
http://migraine-ista.blogspot.com/
http://somebodyhealme.dianalee.net/

What is this I'm feeling?

I AM FEELING GOOD!

I promised myself today that I would take a few moments to blog about something positive.  I so often get on here and throw pity partys and work through my frustrations with my writing- but today I FEEL GOOD!  I need to write it down!  I need to shout it out to the online world! 

I feel my adjustments to medications is complete.  I haven't forgotten to take them and I am seeing a definite benefit to taking them.

I started running with a group of ladies this week.  We each take a day to watch each others kids, so I watch 1 day, and run 4 days.  I actually skipped today because of my to-do list.  This takes place in the morning so my nights sleep won't be affected.  I think the consistent exercise, along with being outdoors(I usually exercise inside, but being outside is just so much better for me) really helped me a lot this week. Plus it wasn't rainy this week.  Yay PNW!

Last night I went to sleep with no help from sleep aids or anything.  I was asleep before 11.  I slept through the night(big thank you to the baby for sleeping through the night- another yay!) and woke up at 5:30 to use the bathroom.  I thought in my head:  Wow, I feel OK.  I could actually get dressed and get my shoes on and go for a jog.  But I didn't.  I went back to sleep until 6:30 when baby got up.

I did a million and one things this morning.  Baby and I had a lunch date with  my husband.  She actually took a nap this afternoon and I was able to do a few productive things around the house. 

No headache.  No major pain.  I FEEL GOOD!  It is quite an exciting thing.  I had several really bad, but short, headaches this week, so to have a day and  half(I felt pretty good yesterday too) feeling good is just such a charge.  I actually feel a thrill to feel so normal. 

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  I don't know when my next pain-free day will be.  But I have had one.  I can have another.  I can't forget this exciting feeling.  WOOT!

Chronic Pain

One of my dearest friends was talking to me about some pain she has been in for weeks on end.  Her feet have been hurting her like no tomorrow-- this is one of my tri-athlon buddies-- so its been a tough pain for her.  She mentioned how she feels like she is a different person when in pain and she doesn't like it one bit.  We talked about her feelings and emotions as a result of her pain.  In our discussion she realized what it means when I say I suffer from chronic pain and headaches.  Since this time, she has been more supportive of my pain.  She asks me how I am and really wants and answer- even pushes for the truth when I don't feel like telling it. 

I have to say something felt good when she described her life being different from her pain.  Not just her life- but HER.  SHE was different and not in a good way.  Reminded me that this big bad person that is me when I have a headache is partly because of the headache- not just because I am a sad excuse for a person when I am in pain.

I also have to say it makes me nervous she knows me so much better now.  Having an "invisible illness" is comforting in the fact I can blow through things and do my thing and not have to explain myself.  But I also feel at a loss many times.  I have blogged at how alone I feel.   I have blogged how I am not truthful to those around me and how frustrated I get when those closest to me don't have as much compassion as I want them have, even though I may not share with them, or even know exactly what I need from them. 
There are times I feel like I live a double life.  I wonder if I am being deceptive when I go through the motions when on the inside there is so much pain and so much turmoil.  For example, my mom or a friend or a sister will call to check on me.  Maybe I will tell them I am not good.  They offer to help and while there are days I take them up on their offer, I usually say no.  I have learned to deal with this.  So, after I open up about being in pain, I then have to turn around and downplay it so not to worry my family about it.  I end up supporting those who are worried about me, who are only actually trying to help me.  Does that make any sense?  I actually opened up this week about a particularly bad headache and was touched by the outreach of support and well wishes(thank you facebook).  But once that day passed(the headache passed too, but came back a day later and has stayed with me for the past several days), I spoke of it no more.  No one knows that I encounter pain on a daily basis.  And really, there is nothing wrong with me medically speaking.  So what is the point of talking about it?

I am very frustrated tonight.  And in pain.  And can't sleep.

The Nausea

Lately the nausea has been really hard for me to deal with.  It was never easy, but recently- like in the last several months- its been very strong, very noticeable, and seems to touch every part of my life.  I think I was dealing with the pain and able to go around it to get things done... now the nausea wants to make sure I don't go too far or get too much done.  I can't leave my house for long.  I don't feel comfortable with face-to-face conversations in fear I might just puke on the side.  I am naturally anti-social with my pain.. and now I have even more reason to be so.  I am not happy with this development.

Blah....

Always needing sleep

I hate bedtime.  My bedtime.  I love that my children have a routine and while they have their ways of dragging it out or prolonging it, it works for the most part.  I do not have a routine I can count on.  I dread the nighttime hours because going to sleep is especially difficult for me.  I remember this being the case as a very young child.  I would creep downstairs hoping to catch my Dad in a friendly mood so he would entertain me for a few minutes rather than shoo me right back up to bed.  Those were actually fond memories- and it isn't until now I realize those were nights like the ones I have now- hard to go to sleep.

Talking to my doctor about my issue of insomnia, especially during pain, came up at a recent appointment.  We discussed some relief for that, which includes adjusting some meds around and will probably have a week or two of adjustment which means I won't be feeling at my best, but the goal in mind is worth it.

We talked about sleep and the things she told me are things I know.  Its things I have learned through having and helping my own children getting on a good sleeping schedule:

1. Make the room a room for sleeping.  Our minds need to be trained that our bedroom is a room for one activity(or two for adults).  Not playing, watching TV, even reading in bed.  If, when trying to go to sleep, you can't.  Get up and leave the room and do something that does not include computer, TV, or other monitor/electronic light.
2. Keep your schedule consistent.  Go to bed and wake up at the same time each day.  If you go to bed late, get up at the same time.  My children are amazing with this rule.  My boy gets up within a half an hour each day.
3. Keep the noise down before bed.  Make your room dark and cool.
4. Establish a specific routine for bed- cues that its time for bed.
5. When you wake up in the morning, get the lights on quickly- this will help you wake up.
6. Do your exercise in the morning.  I am not sure about this one, but I figure if I am getting the rest I really need, I might feel up to it.  At this point I am so tired upon waking up thinking about exercising is insane.  I reserve my exercise for my "me" time at the end of the day.  I need to change this around.
7. Do not nap no matter what. This is, of course, for adults and not children.

So, nothing new learned here.  And even though "doctors orders" are generally easier for me to follow, I still have trouble.  Here is what I finding out with my new rules 
1- my room is probably the least kid friendly room in the house, so I choose to be in this room when not on duty as mom- so only using it for sleep doesn't happen.  2- I have been trying really hard to keep my schedule consistent and I can see its benefits.  3- Once the kids are down, its a pretty easy to keep things quiet and calm.  4- As far as a bedtime routine- I haven't really started this yet, except I am reading more before bed(vs. watching TV and this is helpful).  5- Turning the lights on quickly in the morning is helpful.  6 I am not able to exercise in the morning yet, so I've been exercising mid-day and it hasn't interfered with sleep.  I did a quick exercise routine the other night at about 7:30 PM and was up until after 1- it had to be the exercise.  7- I haven't napped as much since I started this, but I generally lay down with the baby and am tempted to nod off with her at her nap time.  I am working on NOT letting this happen.

I still don't love bedtime- but I don't dread it like before.  I find if I am having trouble going to sleep I will get out of bed, go downstairs and have a snack.  I am usually able to go back up to bed and fall asleep.  This is in contrast to when I would turn on the TV, or go on the computer and then try to go to sleep-- it was pretty hard to do so.  I am limiting my time on the computer and in front of the TV in the evening hours.  This means I don't watch much TV at all anymore.  And I am realizing I did a whole lot of nothing on the computer anyway(except writing, which I just do when I feel like anyway).

I often wonder though how common going-to-sleep issues are?  And upon waking I always feel like I need more rest- no matter how much I just had.  Is this normal?  I don't know.  Whats normal anyway?  But overall there has been improvement and I assume there will only be more as I continue following my rules.

Realization

When I was pregnant with my first child, and suffering from migraine attacks, I worried and cried about what I was possibly handing down to another generation.  I laid in my bed wondering what pain I inflicted on this child by giving her my DNA.  I worried a little less with my second pregnancy.  By my third pregnancy I didn't think too much about it.  What was I going to do anyway?  Having children was my lifelong dream.  Besides, I was so fertile according to my doctor I had dodged many bullets- so the option to NOT have children was not really an option.

My son is now 6 years old.  He gets headaches once in a while.  I have noticed twice him having symptoms of migraines.  When he complains of a headache I listen and believe him.  My oldest hasn't complained of any.  Of course the baby(almost two) seems only capable of causing them at the moment.

Starting yesterday I felt the familiar cycle start to rev up for a week-long headache experience.  Now that I do not seem to have one long continuous headache and can see the start and ending of them, thanks to a daily medication, I am able to notice and pin-point different things I never noticed before.  I am finding a pattern to my headache series.  Yesterday I noticed a trigger and some specific changes.  Today was rough and the pain did indeed come as I suspected it would.

This afternoon I received a call from little mans school nurse.  He was playing rough on the playground and recess and fell and bumped his head pretty bad and broke his glasses.  At the time my head was throbbing, but there is nothing like a little motherly-duty to put pain in the backseat, and I rescued my little man.  He has a horrible goose egg, some nasty scratches, and glasses his daddy was completely able to fix(thank goodness!).  He also had a headache.  Being a normal boy, I know the drill with bumps to the head and watched him and babied him according to need, and then a little more. 

At bedtime my whole family snuggled in my bed and did our reading(which is a wonderful experience I cherish), and when it was time to go to bed my boy started crying.  No body loves me, he said.  Of course this isn't true and I proceeded to tell him everyone in the world who loved him.  Both of his sisters joined in(the baby even started counting on her fingers and telling him names in baby language).

Then I realized he feels how I feel when I am in pain.  Unloved.  Hurt.  Alone.  I realized these feelings of hopelessness and fear are a result of his pain.  My pain too.  I realized through my boy that this is simply one more aspect of the headache that causes pain.  My heart breaks that my boy is hurting.  I would never wish this on anyone and would take it way from my children if I possibly could.  But, it took him to show me that realization.

Realization for me is big- this feels huge to me.  I am not sure why.