Monday, November 22, 2010

Physical Therapy

Medicating teenagers is a tricky thing.  Back when I was a teen my first doctor we went to with my headache concerns was very reluctant to medicate me.  The second doctor was fine medicating me and instead of listening to me that the medication was giving me no relief, he just upped the dosage causing me more reaction from the meds than the headaches.  It was a yucky time to be me.

My first doctor however sent me to do some physical therapy, hoping the problem was in muscles and training of my neck.  This was my first stab at trying something different to help my headaches.  I worked on machines, practiced different exercises, I think they used electro therapeutic point stimulation, tried relaxation techniques(similar to what I used during bio-feedback, but this therapy took place several years before bio-feedback).  It was a start- and a good place to start at that.  I learned a lot about my body and its reactions to different things- such as why physical support is important(always travel with a pillow) and why its important to get up and move if I have been sitting around for a while.

I am about to go in to physical therapy for the second time in my life for a problem I am having with my hip.  I am interested in seeing what they can do for me and while I am not skeptical, I am cautious with allowing myself to feel hope.  Starting down this path again, even though its for a different issue, just reminded me of all those afternoons spent in the basement of the hospital when my hope was at its highest not having any idea 20+ years later I would still be dealing with headache pain. 

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Its OK to lie

Its OK to lie- that is what I tell myself anyway.

How are you?  "Fine."  "OK."  "Oh, you know."

These answers are all lies.  I am not fine.  I am not OK.  You couldn't possibly know.

I might even answer:  "Its been a rough day." or "Not feeling so good."  But these are lies too.  Its more than that.

I have had some positive things happen lately.  I am on a good track for my health.  But today I am in extreme pain and feeling very low.  I am on day 5 of intense pain.  I am feeling lonely.  No one checks on me.  I am throwing myself a pity party.  And eating chocolate.  Wishing I could just spend an entire day in bed and in peace and quiet.  That is not in the cards, so I am going through the motions even though it is excruciating to do so.  And I lie about that too.  I will never admit to anyone how hard it really is to live a "normal" life. 

Of course no one checks on me.  I should feel lonely.  I lie.  I am not comfortable talking about my pain.  Not to those closest to me.  Not to those I trust or who love me.  Not even to paid professionals. 

So, my walls are up pretty high.  I think this time I will leave them up for a while and just wait to see who breaks them down.  I am going to lie again and say I don't care if nobody does.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Doctor Visit

Its funny how when I seem to go to the doctor its usually not for my headaches.  I go in for some other reason and then use that time to ask her a question or two.  I wonder why I can't just face the fact that these headaches are real and consuming and deserve an appointment all their own. 

I had an experience recently of someone discounting my headaches because I can live my life with them.  I don't always collapse in my bed and disappear- I usually push through the pain, nausea, discomfort.  I call this my strength, but maybe its stupidity.  During a headache I am usually a bear to deal with but it is normally just my family who sees it.  I can fake it for the rest of the world- shield them from the monster this chronic pain creates.  Seriously, who really wants to know how I am really doing when they ask: hey, how are you? 

Anyway- heading into the doctor today for a different issue other than headaches- a pain issue- but hopefully she can send me in the right direction to get this other issue fixed.  I will talk to her about my headache issues and maybe get a couple of adjustments made. 

I simply need to be more assertive in this area of my life and I am sincerely wondering why I am not.  I would be assertive about it if it were my children, my husband, my parents.  Do I not place enough value on myself?  Or is it due to habit?  Fear?  Laziness?  All of the above?  Maybe its something else I haven't come up with yet but at least I have identified something needs to change.  Now its the fun part- changing it.