Objectiveness during depression

I was really depressed the other night.  I deal with depression on and off, but something didn't feel right, and I wasn't happy about it.  I know what set me off, and it was a small issue that shouldn't have affected me that much, but the overall feeling of my demons haunting me jumped in and took over.  My demons told me I would just never be happy.  Those are words from a previous partner, someone who claimed to know me best, he told me I would never be happy in my life because I was always wanting more.  I want too much and dream too much, and it was just too hard for me to realize reality has other plans.  The demons almost had me convinced he was right.  I was really stressed out by this, but was determined to ride it out calmly and be very objective and see what was really going on in my mind. 

I get really bad migraines, as everyone who has ever read one of my posts knows, and I have been able to link them to, among other things, hormonal changes.  This depression was due to the same issue.  Hormones are a very powerful chemical the body creates and most of the time we don't notice them.  When we do notice them, it means they are really making us aware of them, and often times they have wrecked havoc on the person experiencing them. 

Understanding that my headaches and depression and hormones were all at play, I remained calm.  I felt the migraine come and go.  The depressed feelings I had, the feelings of unworthiness and lack of hope eventually went away, the pain of the headache did not for another day.  But the experience was interesting for me to view.  When I feel beaten down and unable to do more, its generally because I am tired, my pain has been relentless, and I have a skewed perspective of my support system around me.  Take away these things, and its very logical why I am feeling the way I am.  And it ALWAYS passes.  Always, of that I can be sure, even if the headache is going for days, I know it will come to an end eventually.  The depression always subsides, and I can feel worthy of my blessings and see my family, friends and support people in their true angelic forms. 

I know I am thankful for what I have today and everyday.  I know that what I have makes me happy.  I also know I have an incredible amount of ambition that pushes me to want more.  Its something I do need to keep in check, but its also something that ensures I am following the right path and am staying engaged in the world around me. 

The circumstances around me will never be perfect.  I won't get what I want.  And this can be hard and depending on my current state, can be hurtful for me to deal with.  But I know how to deal with it, and I have faith I can get through it.  I am thankful for this perspective and I am thankful for those around me that are patient with me, even when I am not at my best.

2 years!

I have been out on my own for two years now!  I moved into this little duplex with my kiddos the end of July 2013.  I have to say the time has flown by--  it has been amazing,challenging, growing, and so many different emotions wrapped up!

First off, my kids are amazing.  They are strong and understanding.  They share both an innocence and wisdom that helps me put things in perspective.  Most of all, they give me hope for the future and keep me going when I would rather take a break and stop for a while.  Their quiet encouragement simply from living with me is amazing.  I want to be a better person for myself, but my kids make me want to be a better person right now.  And I love them for it. 

I personally have overcome so many changes.... I have learned to kill, or trap and take outside, spiders and stink bugs and other insects that in the past made me freeze.  I mowed the lawn here for the first time in my life.  I pay all the bills, I make sure rent is on time, I make sure I somewhat follow the budget I have set up for myself.  My house isn't super orderly, but I get the garbage out weekly and manage to stay on top of chores, trying to teach and get my kids involved as I have the energy to do so.  I work part time, and I have almost finished my degree. I have to say, a lot has happened in the past two years, and I am proud.

So, for those who doubted me... question my parenting ability, said hurtful things about me, here I am.  I have made it this far, and I believe while I have challenges ahead, and am not doing a perfect job, I also believe I am doing pretty good.  I am going to keep doing what I am doing.