Thoughts on Burdens

These are not new thoughts.  But over the past week, they are what has come to my mind as important thoughts. 

Some things in life are just too much. I wish I could just take away some of the pain, but that isn't what life is about. We carry and endure our own burdens and love and support our loved ones through theirs.

To watch someone you love experience pain, physical or emotional, can be almost unbearable.  When you can't kiss away the booboo, or you can't slice off the end of their pain and just hold it for a while so they can catch their breath.  The experience is something they have to go through and unique to them.  This doesn't mean I haven't been affected by event that caused the pain they are experiencing and am not experience my own pain, but theirs is so deep and so intense that I know mine doesn't compare.  I want to take it on to give them rest, but I can not.  So I can only hold onto them and let them know I am here.  Its much easier to do when you are there physically, but I do believe thoughts and prayers can reach out as well. 

Emotional wounds take as much time, if not more, than physical wounds to heal. We can not expect to jump back into life and live as normal. We can only do what is right in front of us, and listen to our body when it says its time to rest. My heart is broken, and I am mourning. But I am also so grateful for the love of family and friends.

My sister commented how she went out and took care of an errand today and came home and was wiped out before 10:00AM.  It made me think about how her body is enduring the pain of her heartbreak.  A major organ has experienced an extreme trauma.  If she had had heart surgery, no one would expect her to get up and be at 100% a week later.  Her heart is broken, and she can't expect herself to be up and around.  It will take time to heal and she needs to be very in tune with her body to ensure she is taking it easy so that healing can take place.  I really wish I was there to make sure she puts herself first, and that everyone in her home is getting the support they need.  But she does have her people there who love her and will take care of her. 

We were concentrating so hard on getting my sister through the funeral, afterwards at her house, I said to her:  We got you through the funeral.  Now its just the rest of your life you need to get through.  I can't imagine she, or her family, will experience anything without thinking what it would be like to have the Father of their home with them.  There will always be an ache in their hearts and a hole that will never be filled.

So sad

I am writing with a very heavy heart. 

My brother-in-law lost his fight with depression this morning and is no longer with us.  He was simply a great guy-- I loved him and I am sure if I had a real brother he would have been like him.  He and I had some great one on one time before he and my sis were married, and for that I am thankful for our relationship.  He was very logical, thoughtful and open minded.

I am so sad. 

I am sad for my nieces and nephews.  They are going to be fatherless.  They are too young to be fatherless.  They shouldn't have to know this pain.  We adults can deal with it, but they have done nothing and shouldn't have any reason to deal with this pain.  I was having very acute separation pains from my Dad this week. I wonder if he was somehow signaling to me that something devastating would happen, or maybe he was reminding me where he was, and he would be there for him. 

I am sad for my sister.  She was working hard to determine how to go forward in her life and relationship with her husband.  She and her husband had so many obstacles to work through and so often she was positive even though there were hurt feelings inside.  She often put her pain away to her own detriment and to help others, her children, and even husband.  He hurt her so deeply, but she wasn't sure giving up on him was the answer.  They had a deep friendship and love, but that didn't make it easy.

I am sad for my brother - in - law.  He won't get to experience his children growing up.  He won't get to dance with his Daughter on her Wedding Day, or see his Son graduate College. (Or vice versa, see his daughter graduate, and boogie with his boy).  He won't be able to snuggle his Grand babies the day they are born and join in on their blessings.  HE is going to miss out on so much.  I am so sad for HIM.

I completely understand that depression is an illness and when someone takes this step it is often because their mental illness is so far gone that they simply can't see their own worthiness of any one's love.  But, I really don't have any idea how that must feel that they throw it all away, that they can't hold on for one more day. 

Until we meet again my sweet friend and brother.  I might kick you where it counts, but I will hug you and be happy to see you again.

http://marymerriment.hubpages.com/hub/A-Suicide-Survivors-Guide-for-Grieving-Based-on-Personal-Experience

How do you self care?

I have come to loathe the term:  "Self-Care". 

Full Definition of LOATHE, transitive verb :  to dislike greatly and often with disgust or intolerance :  detest

Why?  Self-care is so important.  It is vital to anyone now-a-days, especially a single mom who goes to school full time, works part time, has chronic headaches, can never seem to get enough sleep, has three wonderful very energetic children.... 

 

Because "self-care" is a term that should take care of all my issues so I can go forward and do what I need to do to keep myself happy and all those around me happy and all my obligations in tact.  If I am not getting enough rest, or my headaches are being relentless, or I don't feel like going to work, or my kids are driving me nutso, it is obviously my own fault because I am not engaging in "self-care".

 

Since when did "self-care" become a burden?  I think it became a burden when I realized I am not getting enough of it, and I am not able to get enough of it because of what is going on in my life at the moment.  I can't do everything for everyone, and I can't do a lot of things for myself.  So every day if I can grab a moment of what I like to call SANITY by quietly filling up my water bottle and taking a deep breath, or taking a shower and spending an extra minute or two just stand there and relax, I have to accept that as the best I can do right now. I still get overwhelmed by school, chores, work, kids, and other obligations, BUT its the little moments I can take care of myself and they will just have to add up because I don't have time for a "self-care" hour a day, but if I am mindful, my self-care is just an inherent part of my day, and not another item on my to-do list.

Small Plan Changes

I enrolled at PSU back in Spring 2013-- and deferred my enrollment to Fall 2013.  I applied and was accepted in the Child and Family Studies Program in the School of Social Work.  I was so excited to do this-- I applied when my life was pretty much upside down and inside out.  I was following a passion that I had very little support to follow, but I just went for it.  Turns out the timing was better than I could have ever asked for. 

I planned to graduate Spring 2015, but last term I found out that wouldn't be able to happen.  I wasn't really sure why, but I think my specialty (family life educator) had more requirements than I realized.  So, I recalibrated my plans, decided to make life really hard on myself and take some super heavy loads both this term and next term, so I could finish up with my last practicum and my senior capstone in Summer and have my degree at the end of Summer Term 2015.

I just can't do it.  I am lucky to have a non-certified counselor as an older sister, as well as a few other people who love me enough to tell me its OK if I don't actually kill myself, or make myself go insane with 17 class credits this term.  Everyone assumes I can decide for myself what is an appropriate amount of work to take on or not.  And I can.  However, the value of having people in your life who support you to give you advice and really identify what your needs are is priceless.  I mean, its only week 1 and I am stressing out over the amount of reading and writing that is required in all of my classes.  In my gut I know I bit off more than I can chew.  I needed a few people to tell me its OK to admit that and make another change.

So I dropped one course this term. I am only taking 13 credits. 

I am disappointed.  This likely means I won't be able to graduate in Summer.  BUT, I think I will still be able to graduate in 2015.  I am disappointed my plan isn't going as I imagined it, but its still going to be completed and in the long run, it won't matter exactly when I get my degree. 

I am relieved that I can take one class load off of my shoulders this terms.

I am proud of myself that I am putting my needs in front of my ego, which told me I needed to follow through and do it as I planned to do it. 

Life is important and I can't loose sight of what I am dealing with right now.  I don't feel good often times, which makes reading and studying and writing to all hours of the night very difficult.  I don't want to neglect my children as I study. I can't miss out on their lives just because I am busy torturing myself with the requirements of my own.  I need to be flexible and willing to do the things when they are best to be done.  If it takes me longer that is OK.  Small plan changes are happens when life is being lived.  And I am at a point where I can't beat myself up for it. 

Everything changes... and still stays the same

Its been so long since I have posted something on this blog.  I am rereading my posts and I am impressed with my ability to articulate my words and really put my finger on my feelings, my pain.  I haven't been as tuned in with my body as I was.  So much has changed in my life since my last post.  And yet so much has stayed the same. 

One big change is I haven't been able to write.  Not freely for creativity anyway.  I write all the time for school, I am back in school and have encountered some courses that have required pages and pages of writing each week.  I learned to write in APA Style and my critical thinking about what I am reading and learning and then choosing to discuss in written word is organized in a different way than I have ever needed to organize it.  I also don't read like I used to.  Not for fun anyway.  I read textbooks, journal articles, peer papers.  I miss having these two outlets for release.  I am hopeful when my school day are over, these will come back as hobbies and skills that help me to find balance, relaxation, and recreational knowledge. 

My living situation has changed.  With no husband to kill spiders, I learned to kill spiders.  Not just for me, but for my children as they have learned to be afraid of them too.  I take out the garbage, and I swear every week when I drag the can out to the curb I get a tingle of excitement at my own independence.  I'd rather not have this chore, mind you, but it is something I never did before and its something I am completely capable of doing.  Even killing the bugs that scare my children. Having always been a very independent person, I have found that if I have someone else to rely on, I will most definitely rely on them and expect them to take on these roles or chores.  But, I don't need someone to do these basics.  On the somewhat opposite side of that thought, I have learned to ask for help.  I have learned to say when I am not handling things well and when I need an ear to whine to.  I can accept help in areas of my life I have never needed it before, such as financial or physical needs of my family.  It isn't easy, but I can. 

My head still hurts.  My kids still need me.  The dishes still need to be done.  The laundry still, always, needs to be put away.  I still have my most important role of Mommy to play.  My oldest sometimes gets frustrated with me and my limitations.  The younger two complain of boredom when I just can't go out.  And I worry.  I worry I am not keeping their environment clean enough, or their rooms organized enough, or their minds entertained enough.  But I am doing my best, and I love my kids.  We work together and we communicate our needs clearly.  One of my children has a harder time communicating than the other two and I am working with this child, but I think this will their issue possibly their entire life.  We are still dealing with the family issues, just in a different way since my last post.  I am still dealing with my challenges of my headaches, and my physical pain, but life keeps one going and I just keep moving forward.  Which is what I always did.  So, everything has changed, but not really.