Happiness is....

Three healthy children minus these colds that won't go away.. but at least it isn't anything more serious.

Three wonderfully, amazing, and sweet sisters.. even though two live too far away from me, I was lucky to have them live close for years!

Parents who love me.. one who lives near by and will drop anything to help me, one who is close in spirit.

My sweet friends... those I see daily, and those I do not, but feel of their love daily.

A home.. even if it smells bad because of the water treatment plant-- at least my water is treated!

The privilege to finish school for my BS.. even if I have a monster headache from finishing up this last #$%&# paper!

Happiness is having so many things and so many people and so much to be thankful.  I have been blessed beyond measure.  I am so grateful for the people in my life who continue to love me.  I am grateful for the things in my life that provide comfort for me and my children.  I can never express my gratitude enough, but hopefully every day I will recognize the things I do have.

2 years ago

2 years ago I was with my Mom and my Sister Bethany and we waited with Dad as he took his last breath. 

We felt so much relief. 

We also felt so much anguish. 

I remember when we finally decided he was no longer with us, we huddled up and cried.  I heard someone wailing.  I couldn't tell if it was me or not. 

It was so sad, and so exhausting.  I have a spot in my heart that aches to see him again.  Even if he had his confused look in his eyes he seemed to have so often at the end.  I wish to joke with him and have a conversation with him, that in and of itself is not an important moment, but added to the peacefulness and value of daily life. 

It is so hard to believe my Dad has been gone for two years. 

Dad, I miss you so much.  So many times I wanted to feel your arms around my shoulders again.  So many times I want to squeeze you with my head on your shoulder where I always felt so protected and comforted.  So many times I wanted to hear the compassion in your voice that was genuine and real.  So many times I worry that I am lost without your guidance and support.  I have so many amazing memories of you.  So many reasons that I am who I am.  So many fun times we experienced together-- because of your effort in being my Dad. 

Being a good Dad takes and exceptional person, and you are an exceptional human being.

I miss you.  I love you.

 

 

Picture

I had a headache today-- sitting in my family law and policy class-- which sounds like a headache in itself-- but its not, its actually fascinating and my favorite class this term.... anyway... I was doodling.  Here is how I felt.

Last Minute Papers

Every term I think I will get my homework done and even turned in early. 

Every term I am up late the night a paper is due and I end up banging it out in one super stressed out, very focused work session. 

I do pretty good on my papers too as I am writing about topics I enjoy and am studying specifically for.  BUT-- I do not like the stress.  In fact, I dread it... I spend weeks sitting around looking at empty pages and reading and rereading the assignments and brow beating myself because I haven't sat down and actually worked on the guts of the project.  As I am taking harder and harder classes, its getting harder and harder to do. 

What to do?  Should I stop torturing myself and realize I am just going to wait until the last minute and not worry until that day arrives?  I am not sure-- but I am exhausted, my lips have broken out in cold sores.  I am not in a good place. 

But I know it will get better-- like the day after my last paper is due.