After school treat

Does anyone want to volunteer to tell my babes how lucky the are to come home to this:




The house smells heavenly.....

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A month

A month has gone by since my Dad's passing. He lived with early onset Alzheimer's and he was finally free of this disease on March 12, 2013. I was fortunate to be with him when he passed. I was even more fortunate to have had the sweet opportunity to love and serve him over the past several years.

You see, my Dad has always taken care of me. He was strong, loving, wise. Years ago when his mind starting failing him, it was hard to see. We grieved the loss of Dad in many small ways on an almost continuous basis. Our grieving process was long and painful. Especially in the beginning when he would have moments of clarity and we would be hopeful to get our Dad back.

This past year the disease took a toll on him, and took it fast. We put him in a specialty memory care home. We didn't want to loose Dad, but we also knew he couldn't be happy in his prison of Alzheimer's. Silently I looked forward to the day he could be free of his body and mind that no longer served him. Strangely enough, when the day came and Dad departed this earth, the relief I felt was minuscule compared to the pain of saying goodbye, for reals, to my sweet Father.

My mom and sisters were all surprised at how hard it was for us to go thru this when we had in so many ways felt prepared for it. But loss hurts. And Dad was a great man.

A month later I still feel numb. I pass his care home almost daily and think about him, thinking I should stop in. I wonder how his fellow patients at the home are doing. I wonder what he's up to. It still feels surreal. Like I just haven't visited him in a while. I don't feel like a daughter without her daddy.

I've slowed down a lot since his passing. I've pulled into myself. I have a few very wonderful friends who have taken it upon themselves to check in with me. When I say I'm fine, they know better and simply make sure I know they are there.

I've become more gentle with myself. Not beating myself up or holding myself to my usual standards. Not that I've let all things go, but I don't feel I need the extra pressure of my inner voice pushing me. I will get to my items on my lists. If I spend a little time thinking and pondering, I will decide what is important and needs to be done right away.

I'm not sure when or if life will ever get back to normal. I have been focusing on what is around me and what is important for me right now. And that is the right thing for me to do.

I love you Dad. I miss you.


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Needing an advocate

I was an early swimmer. We had a pool in our yard, which prompted my parents to get us into swim lessons quite early. I think I was around 3.

I love the water. I wish I could swim every day. Or at least soak in the water. I'm most at ease near water, and when it's time to relax or vacation, I plan it around ocean, river or lake destinations.

Since I was a early swimmer and summer swim lessons were the norm, I was used to the first day evaluations. I can not remember how old I was, but being younger than most, I was being evaluated to graduate up to the deeper part of the pool. I could not wait. Not only would I learn more, but I was leaving all those babies behind... Those babies who blew bubbles and stood on the risers in the water.

It was my turn to swim the width of the pool and I got off to a bad start, swallowed a bunch of water, started to panic, and was plucked out of my spot and put back with the babies. My heart broke. I did not belong in this amateur group. Plus my best friend advanced and I did everything with her, how could I survive my swim lessons without her.

Mom was sitting in the viewing area and watched the drama unfold. She probably saw the heartbreak on my face. She was my advocate. She was my hero. She asked the instructor to give me another shot, which wasn't typical or easy to do in the chaos of first day swimming evaluations.

Of course I rocked it and advanced. Mom had her reasons: she wanted to see me advance. She also wanted her money paid for lessons to go for something productive. But mostly she wanted to ease my heart ache. The only way she could was to be my advocate and ask for what I couldn't ask for myself.

Now, I am an adult. I am able to ask for things I need and want. When my heart is hurt and I need an advocate, I usually am able to play my own. But there are days when I simply want someone perceptive enough, someone who knows me enough to see me and advocate for me. I miss that.


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Sleep.... and objects in motion

Over the past little while I have found my sleep habits are a way I deal with my stress. 

I crave the quiet hours when I am the only one awake at night.  When I can check on and tuck in my  littles, and have time to just be with me.  Of course, this causes me a good amount of stress the next morning because of my exhaustion. So, the nights when I don't have work the next morning, or have an appointment first thing, I tend to stay up way  past my bed time.

I love taking naps.  Its so nice to escape into my room and curl up in my bed and close myself off from my cares and worries and so oftentimes pain.  I have amazing dreams that nurture me, and when I wake up, whether I feel better or not, I can feel satisfied in the fact there is more time between myself and whatever it is that has been stressing me out.

Over the past few months it seems the stress has been relentless.  I've been coping well, but my need for sleep is all consuming.  I am not appreciating it like I used to.  I am feeling lazy and boring.  I feel like I am an object at rest--- tending to stay at rest.  I am caught up in a horrible cycle and have no inspiration to get out of it.  Even the support of my friends haven't helped much.

I know I need to get up and get moving.  I know that will help me not only feel better, healthier, but also more productive.  But then I see my bed and I lay down and my pain reminds me how good it feels to be still.  I succumb to my laziness and I let sleep carry me away.  I wake up to the big pile of laundry still waiting for me, the  kitchen still a mess, and all the little goals of my day becoming the goals for tomorrow.  I feel let down by myself- I have nothing to show for my day.  I am not an object in motion.  This scares me, I don't want to stop yet.  I need to move.

I need to move.

Holiday Stress... Or finding that peaceful place

Christmas was magical when I was younger. I had a dreamy childhood with everything a girl could want.

Things shifted as I got older. Maybe it was my first holiday away from home. I lived in Brussels my senior year of high school. Back in 1993, letters and packages were the main way of communication. My holiday box from my family had not arrived. After having been with a very large extended family and experiencing some amazing and wonderful things we came back to our city home. I went up to my room on the fifth floor, and I sat alone wishing I could snuggle in my moms arms, or lay my head on my dads shoulders, or play with my little sister.

Since then, I have come to realize the holidays are not a guarantee of magic. They had always effortlessly been before. Now that I'm a mother and am trying to replicate the magic of the season for my babies I find my self on edge, stressed out, worried, cranky, insecure, and very sensitive of the behaviors of those around me.

I needed a check in yesterday, and I got it. I snuggled with my kids as we watched Christmas movies. We decided against going to our planned party and just enjoyed each other. It was nice.

In times of stress I need to remind myself of my priorities. It doesn't seem to always come natural anymore. Especially in times of stress.

My priorities are simply the people I love: my children, my family, my very dear friends. I am blessed with many dear friends.

Does this eradicate the stresses of the holidays? No. But If am taking care of myself, if I am taking the time to reflect on my blessings; If I am taking the time to refocus on those I love, who love me; The stress will still be present. The pain is inevitable. But my mind will be more peaceful. And that is the first step for me. Finding that peaceful place.

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Accepting my limitations

It has taken me years to accept my limitations.

And I am sure that acceptance isn't complete either.

But, for the most part I have accepted my limitations as a person with all my flaws and issues. Always trying to improve, but realizing I have to be happy with what and who I am, both the good and the bad.

For the most part, I've accepted my limitations in regards to my migraine headaches.

Some days its easier than others.

It has taken me years to learn to live with my pain, mostly out of necessity of paying rent and caring for others. When all I had was an employer dictate my priorities I had no problem taking care of work, using all the energy I had, and then dealing with what was left over. Now that my demands have added children and other types of responsibilities I don't have the luxury of doing what needs to be done as long as I possibly can waiting until I can collapse- collapsing isn't an option. I have to do what I CAN DO, and no more, even if there is more left to do. I've accepted that. But its hard to draw a line at times. It's even harder when those around me push me up against my limits.

My limitations are no longer my own- they affect those around me and can cause distress to them.

My three year old often asks to kiss my headache.  She will ask me if I am sick today and if I can come down and be with her, or if we need to watch a movie up on my bed.  This is painful for me, because she accepts my limitations as a part of life.  I know my children will grow up simply knowing their mom had headaches and wasn't always at her best when they needed her most. What a painful thought.  This thought leaves me feeling empty and sad in ways I can't even describe.

As if that isn't enough pain-- as if I don't worry enough about what the ramification of my limitations are-- there are those who are dubious or disappointed in my performance.  

I know in my heart I am doing the best I can.   I usually don't care what others think of me.  However, when its a close loved one, a strong support person, I do care what they think.  Not only is it hard to see them let down by me, I've come to realize they have let me down as well.   Their judgement hurts.

The way my mind works, I want to find my faults and eradicate them. Unfortunately this physical issue is somewhat out of my control. I can take medications, I can relax and practice other techniques to help cope. However, I can't always change the pain.

I am at a point in my life where I have found peace in myself, in my pain, in my limitations.  I've found peace in my strengths and talents and the fact I am an abled body person who can work and live despite her pain.  My life isn't perfect.  It never will be.  I am OK with that. 

So, how do I get others to be OK with that?  How do I help others accept my limitations, my imperfect life?  These are people I love, admire, and want in my life.  But I don't think I ever really help them.  I know without question I will never change them.  This is my journey.  I can only be hopeful those who join me will choose to accept me with all my faults.  With my faults are some pretty amazing merits.  If they can't or choose not to, its understandable.  It's also their loss. Mine too, but really, what can I do about it?

Goals and Migraines

I had some really good goals this month.  I accomplished zilch.  Including using this blog again.  Not to say I didn't get anything else good and productive done, but I set several goals for myself this month and didn't achieve them.  I felt I even backslid a bit.  Its frustrating and upsetting.  I hold myself to a high standard.  I disappoint myself all too often. I can tell myself its cuz I have a headache, nauseau, vertigo, extremem pain, but it doesn't feel like a good enough excuse.  Not only can I not perform my daily life "good enough", but my excuses aren't  "good enough" either. 

Sigh....  but what can I do?  Negative self talk isn't helpful.  It doesn't make me get my goals done.  So, tonight I will go to bed and close my eyes and not worry about the things I didn't do today, and tomorrow I will try again.

Funny Dreams

I have had amazing wonderfully crazy dreams lately.  A lot of them are mirroring my real life, except they have a flair of something fantastical in them.... like some gorgeous red heels, a really fast sports car, a mob boss career, or such as last night:  I was dreaming about our family trip to Disneyland in September.  While waiting for others to arrive I was talking to some girls who couldn't believe I was 36!  They thought there was no way I could be old enough to be a mother to an 8 year old!  Amazing dream!  I woke up feeling like I looked way older than my 36 years, but I appreciated the compliment my subconscious was trying to give me.

I had a really rough night last night.  The pain is intense, I took a lot of different medication and now I feel sick from it, and still have the pain.  Overall I have to say the headaches have been better for me.  But the average person would still complain.  Overall I have to say I am very grateful for my life and my ability to act and do the things I need and sometimes want to do.  But I still can't do it all.  Overall, things are better, but they are still hard.

I need to recommit to this blog/journal and decide how to use it.  Am I using it for my personal purposes, for outreach purposes, for fun(ha!)?  I am figuring it out.  But I do need to use it.  For whatever reason I am going through my trial locked in this body with pain I need to express it.  I need to share how I cope and live with it.  I feel a need to record my experiences, possibly for my children and posterity.  They may or may not find my actions helpful to them, but they will likely find some humor and humanity in them.  Or maybe not-- maybe its just for me to get my problems out so I can move onto the next item in my head.  Whatever the case may be, it feels good to get it out.

Weakness

Adjustment better... hormones stable... life somewhat normal and I am feeling pretty OK.  Almost like other people might feel, at least I think that might be the case. 

However, last week was a very stressful week.  Some good stress, more bad stress, some personal disappointment, and a lot of busy days made my life a little hectic.  With the craziness I haven't been taking as good of care of myself as I should be, as I normally do.  I have been a bit down.  And I have woken with several really bad headaches.

Thankfully, these headaches didn't last all day as they would have, but I find myself watching me from the outside thinking:  Is she really so weak that a few days of blues, or a few things of stress that ultimately she can not change will cause her to physically react?  Why would my weakness manifest itself into pain in my head.  Have I somehow directed it there?

I am not sure whats up with that.  Its mostly a passing thought, but I am wonder how its all connected.

So whats my overall mood:  So very thankful for my loving friends and family.  Frustrated with several disappointments the past week brought, and worried about several family members and their current situations.  And tired... very very tired.  Still blue.  But not in pain every day. Yay!

Oh Yawn....

So, after a month of being on my new drug cocktail, I was quite encouraged.  I noticed my pain not being nearly as intense as it had been, or as often.  I had more energy and was able to accomplish more of the things I desire to accomplish each day.  So, as usual, I started filling my weekly drug holder that gives me my daily pills in AM and PM format so I don't rely on my very poor memory to make sure I am taking all my meds.  While doing so I realized I needed to get my prescriptions refilled.  Except why do I have so many of my newest drug left.  I re-read the label and realized I had only been taking half of the directed dose.  Oops.  Here is what came to mind:

• Yay!  Only half of what the doc wanted me to take helped me considerably!  Maybe I don't need it all.  (I am not sure why I am so embarrassed by the amount of meds I am taking)
• I wonder..... if I take the full dose if I will feel even better?

And then:

• Ugh, if I up the dosage then I will have another week or so of adjustment.

I decided to up the dose to the prescribed amount.  It felt like the adjustment took a bit longer this time around.  And lately I have had daily headaches and general overall lack of motivation to get things done and take care of myself, which is a contrast to those few weeks when I was feeling really good.  Of course I have my typical hormonal changes that wreck havoc to my system, so I am sure in another week life will be better again.  I am not sure what is going on.   It just feels like a set back.  I don't like it.