One big change is I haven't been able to write. Not freely for creativity anyway. I write all the time for school, I am back in school and have encountered some courses that have required pages and pages of writing each week. I learned to write in APA Style and my critical thinking about what I am reading and learning and then choosing to discuss in written word is organized in a different way than I have ever needed to organize it. I also don't read like I used to. Not for fun anyway. I read textbooks, journal articles, peer papers. I miss having these two outlets for release. I am hopeful when my school day are over, these will come back as hobbies and skills that help me to find balance, relaxation, and recreational knowledge.
My living situation has changed. With no husband to kill spiders, I learned to kill spiders. Not just for me, but for my children as they have learned to be afraid of them too. I take out the garbage, and I swear every week when I drag the can out to the curb I get a tingle of excitement at my own independence. I'd rather not have this chore, mind you, but it is something I never did before and its something I am completely capable of doing. Even killing the bugs that scare my children. Having always been a very independent person, I have found that if I have someone else to rely on, I will most definitely rely on them and expect them to take on these roles or chores. But, I don't need someone to do these basics. On the somewhat opposite side of that thought, I have learned to ask for help. I have learned to say when I am not handling things well and when I need an ear to whine to. I can accept help in areas of my life I have never needed it before, such as financial or physical needs of my family. It isn't easy, but I can.
My head still hurts. My kids still need me. The dishes still need to be done. The laundry still, always, needs to be put away. I still have my most important role of Mommy to play. My oldest sometimes gets frustrated with me and my limitations. The younger two complain of boredom when I just can't go out. And I worry. I worry I am not keeping their environment clean enough, or their rooms organized enough, or their minds entertained enough. But I am doing my best, and I love my kids. We work together and we communicate our needs clearly. One of my children has a harder time communicating than the other two and I am working with this child, but I think this will their issue possibly their entire life. We are still dealing with the family issues, just in a different way since my last post. I am still dealing with my challenges of my headaches, and my physical pain, but life keeps one going and I just keep moving forward. Which is what I always did. So, everything has changed, but not really.
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