Sleep?

A new mom expects to miss out on the most precious commodity called sleep. Its part of the deal- I suffer for 9 months to bring a child into this world. I suffer another 12 hours to birth this child. I suffer the first 6 weeks trying to heal, adjust, and get back to normal. For me all the 9 months, 12 hours and 6 weeks are sleepless. I am now embarking on almost a year after birth waking up with a baby. It isn't really her fault- but she right now is the main reason for it. But, I have sleep issues- did before babies, and will continue after babies aren't babies anymore most likely.

My 6 year old has troubles falling asleep. I feel for her, I really really do. I know how desperate and exasperated one feels laying in a bed willing yourself to sleep. I am sure it does not help to have someone coming into your room every so often telling you that you HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP! And like myself, my 6 year old is grumpy when she is tired in the mornings. It is so hard to wake up in the mornings. I can only remember a very few number of occasions in my life when I woke up ready to bound out of bed. I do initially feel bad for her in the morning and try to be cheerful to her grumpiness, try to be deaf to her whining and crying, and understanding to her problem. But on the mornings I had a rough night- I am not so much. I am blessed to have a husband that can usually stick around until we are ready for school so when I am ready to scream at this precious grumpy girl he can step in.

When I do not get enough sleep, I hurt. My head hurts. If I go for days without a good nights rest, I feel in a fog. The rest of my body starts hurting. My anxieties rise. My patience is thin. I am not nice to be around. I want to cry. I want someone to take care of me, but I want them to offer it before I ask for it.

I can't remember the last time I slept through the entire night. Pregnancy has me up constantly thanks to a weak bladder from birthing 9 pound babies. This wonderful precious baby who has been with us now for over 11 months still gets up twice or more a night. While I would love to let her cry it out and learn to sleep on her own, she has kidney reflux and has already had a number of UTI's. I never know if she is in pain or not, so I can't let her cry it out. I have been readying the no-cry-sleep-solution, but so far I think its teaching her worse habits than she had before.

She has been sick with a fever for the past three nights and I have not slept more than a few hours in a row for these past three nights. I think I am loosing my mind. But I did find this funny fact:

• A new baby typically results in 400-750 hours of lost sleep for parents in the first year.

There are some other funny and amazing sleep facts at:

http://www.abc.net.au/science/sleep/facts.htm

A few others that stood out:
Seventeen hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol-level of 0.05%.

Feeling tired can feel normal after a short time. Those deliberately deprived of sleep for research initially noticed greatly the effects on their alertness, mood and physical performance, but the awareness dropped off after the first few days.

Some studies suggest women need up to an hour's extra sleep a night compared to men, and not getting it may be one reason women are much more susceptible to depression than men.

Its just me

My husband has had the last week off- we have been pretty busy visiting friends, running errands, organizing our home to keep it organized to start off 2010 right. I usually wake up with some pain- and with him home its been a wonderful chance to pass the baby off to him and sleep another 15 minutes or at least have some quiet time to collect my courage to meet the day head-on.

Today was our first day with little to do, so I planned lunch with a friend. So many people tell me I need to just let loose and have fun with my friends. That should help. In the middle of lunch(and it was wonderful to have this time with a friend and no kids) the headache lurked in the back ground. I got home took some meds and layed down. That should help. I woke up with the same headache a little louder. I went downstairs and watched Monsters vs. Aliens with the kids and it hit me hard. Ugh. I took some stronger stuff. We had dinner. That did help. I am feeling much better, just really tired.

So, ask me how I am and I will tell you fine. I probably have a headache. But its just me. Its my lot in life.

2010- when I am done nursing the baby I will go back to the Doctor to start the always enjoyable process of finding the right solution.

Bear

I move my head and it throbs. Light sends pain searing through my eyeballs. Sound is excruciating. Movement hurts. People not listening to me annoys me. My fuse is so short and the pain is so relentless that I have transformed into a bear of polar proportion.

Everyone suffers.

I cry.

I cry because not only do I hurt so bad, but I feel just horrible about the monster I have turned into. I cry because my sweet husband and adoring children do not deserve to be treated this way.

Now, not only do I feel horrible physically. I feel horrible in my heart.

It hurts- my heart hurts when I realize that those surrounding me get caught up in my storm, as if they are standing on the outskirts of a storm system, and the pain they feel is not like mine. The pain they feel is caused by me. By my words. They are remembering me being this way. I am not just a cranky mom/wife in pain, but to them I am simply a cranky and sometimes mean.

I am also angry. I am angry my husband has limits on his patience. I am angry he gets the "easy" job to run off to work and provide for our physical needs while I am at home in a very dark place trying to provide for the emotional needs of our family. Angry that I can never have a day off. That I can never have enough time to really deal with the root causes of this pain. And I have to let go of this anger before the pain subsides or I just stay a bear.

Headaches- what to do with one?

Since I often have a headache, I choose to do one of two things. Lay low, or go forward full speed ahead.

Often I feel like laying in bed does me little good, and I prefer to NOT miss out on my life so I keep active. Sometimes doing things will distract me and can even help the pain go away. Sometimes it makes me sicker. Sometimes it just makes me cranky and I am sure those around me wish I had just stayed in bed.

Today, I don't want to do anything. I have a headache- its not even one of my bad ones. But I have a kitchen needing to be cleaned, carpets to be vacuumed, children to be read to and taught, phone calls to make, a part time business to conduct, laundry to be folded and put away, dinner to be planned and eventually made. I don't want to do any of this-- I just want to curl up in my bed and pretend I am in my home alone. I feel like I am avoiding everyone and everything. The guilt for this avoidance(Which isn't a true avoidance because I am not really avoiding anyone or anything but my not actively working to deal with people is what makes me feel like I am avoiding. Does that make sense?) brings me down even more.

So, I will give myself today. Tomorrow will be better. Now, I can't actually lay in bed and do nothing. I do need to get a few items on my list from above done. I will tend to the kids, and get dinner going(unless I can talk husband into bringing something home that we really can't afford.). But I won't do it all, and that is OK. It will be OK to lay low today.

American Headache Soceity

So, having had headaches for most of my life I turned to books and magazines and the Internet for help. Figuring out what type of headache I have. Searching for a list of dos and don'ts. I didn't realize until I ran across several blogs earlier this year that there is a specific community out there just for headaches! Is there really a community that would UNDERSTAND ME AND MY PAIN? WOW.

In fact, the is the 14th International Headache Congress being held in Philadelphia at the Pennsylvania Convention Center right now: September 10 to 13, 2009. The below link was neat to look at. I haven't spent much time there, but I plan on it. If I find anything interesting I might just post it.

http://www.americanheadachesociety.org/

Complaining

Am I allowed to complain? Of course anyone can complain, but am I allowed to complain even though I have NOT gone to the doctor? Should I just suffer in silence? Don't I deserve this pain on some level if I am not actively trying to find a cure for it?

My support people are awesome. But after so many whines and cries about feeling achey and gross- how much more do they need to listen? How much more can I subject them too. I am not going to the doctor yet. I know I should. I am nursing my sweet little baby, and while there are medications "safe" to take while nursing, I would rather not. I am also spending so much time at the Doctor for this same sweet baby who has kidney reflux, to make an appointment for myself seems crazy- where would I fit it in between her appointments? I even passed on the non-essential yearly check up on my 6 year old for this same reason. That and our insurance sucks and we can't afford any extra visits.

I am hoping to fight off the pain on my own. I go thru cycles of pain being worse at some times for than others. I am in the midst of a pain spell at the moment. But, I am hoping that this the magic time of year- school starting- I can find some relief. I am hoping with school starting my regular exercise routine will become, well, regular. I KNOW without a doubt exercise will help to some degree on more of my issues than physical health. I also think maybe two and half precious hours without the big kids will help too. Exercise, cleaning up the house, time teaching and loving my baby, maybe even some visits with friends will all be welcome and possibly therapeutic.

So, I guess I am in a wait and see mode. I WILL go to the doctor when I finally have had it(and I am getting close). But until then, I am trying to curb my whining. If I do open up to you about my pain, it means I trust you. It means on some level I expect you to be sympathetic. But I am trying to NOT be a burden on my friends. I don't know what I would do without some of you. I guess I can't expect you to NOT counsel me to go to the doctor(This counsel comes from not one person- but many). I might even need to keep hearing it. But, until I actually go- thanks for listening. I am trying not to bore or annoy you.

Want to be taken care of

When I was younger life stopped for headaches. It was new pain. It was extreme pain. It was scary pain. I would retreat to my little bed. I would get a nice cold drink. Our dog Princess, who was old and granny-like, would be allowed to sleep with me. My parents checked in on me often to make sure I was OK. I had physical comfort. I had emotional comfort. I hurt, but I felt safe.

As I have gotten older, the pain is the same. But I know it better. I self-comfort. Now that I have children if I am lucky enough to have someone around when I am in pain, I ask them to care for them. While I have a lot of compassion directed toward me, its just another headache to many of those around me. The physical and emotional support isn't as apparent, and that is just because Mom has a headache. Mom always has a headache. In fact, when a well meaning friend/family/loved one asks me about my pain, I usually downplay it. I usually reject it. This is my life, this is what I deal with, I am used to it.

BUT, I miss being taken care of. I miss the concern I once allowed others to have for me. Now i just don't allow it, which makes me feel lonely and needy. And then I get annoyed with myself because lonely and needy are the very last thing I should ever feel with the amount of love and support I actually do have. I do have a lot of support and love from my friends and family. But is it so bad to just want to be taken care of without worrying about anything?

A Headache of Convenience--eeer or maybe Inconvenience...

I often wonder if I can somehow control my pain. I do have headaches most days. Some days they are bad and I must lay down and leave my kids to fend for themselves(the big kids, not the baby). However it seems my worst headaches come up when husband is home. Instead of spending a fun day together I spend the day nursing my pain. I end up doing one of two things:


1- I turn the kids over to Daddy and sleep it off.


2- I power thru it and grin and bear it.


Often times when I went to work in an extreme amount of pain I was always glad for the distraction. A distraction from the physical pain, the nausea, the achey achey owie owie.

I stopped working to care for my children full time and I found myself not knowing HOW to distract myself from my pain. I am still figuring that out. It feels like I am more focused on the pain more so than I could be when I worked and had customers to care for, e-mails and reports to publish, goals to meet, oh yea, and friends to talk to.

I wonder why headaches hit when they do. Is it the anticipation of having a fun day that causes the headaches to roll in? Is it just dumb luck? Is it my sub-conscious trying to sabotage my good times?

Its not just the headache, it is the irritability, its the nausea, its the pain pain pain pain....

And I tell my husband about it, but mostly I try not to. He is so good with me, but he has his limits. How fair is it to him I have a headache every time we head out on a trek, or every Saturday morning he wants to sleep in?

And my poor children who deal with a mean mommy. My children, as adults, will probably talk about their Mother always telling them to be quiet. They know my headaches change me.

A Headache of Convenience-- or maybe Inconvenience... yes that is what I get. Any drugs out there for that?

Nip it in the bud

I had a headache today that was making me simply crabby. I don't like being crabby. No one likes me being crabby. BUT somehow those around me still love me anyway and put up with it.

I was able to head it off by taking some OTC pain killers right away. It worked. WWWAAAAHOOOO!

Looking back at this week, I did OK. I had headaches, but functioned anyway and didn't even seem to yell at my kids that much. :o)

PBP- not a cure for headaches

Another headache today-- so bad I veto's little man's request to go the dollar tree. BUT, not so bad I didn't stop for a Peanut Buster Parfait and Dilly Bars for the kids. Didn't help the headache. But sure tasted good. I wish I had another one. :o)