Bear

I move my head and it throbs. Light sends pain searing through my eyeballs. Sound is excruciating. Movement hurts. People not listening to me annoys me. My fuse is so short and the pain is so relentless that I have transformed into a bear of polar proportion.

Everyone suffers.

I cry.

I cry because not only do I hurt so bad, but I feel just horrible about the monster I have turned into. I cry because my sweet husband and adoring children do not deserve to be treated this way.

Now, not only do I feel horrible physically. I feel horrible in my heart.

It hurts- my heart hurts when I realize that those surrounding me get caught up in my storm, as if they are standing on the outskirts of a storm system, and the pain they feel is not like mine. The pain they feel is caused by me. By my words. They are remembering me being this way. I am not just a cranky mom/wife in pain, but to them I am simply a cranky and sometimes mean.

I am also angry. I am angry my husband has limits on his patience. I am angry he gets the "easy" job to run off to work and provide for our physical needs while I am at home in a very dark place trying to provide for the emotional needs of our family. Angry that I can never have a day off. That I can never have enough time to really deal with the root causes of this pain. And I have to let go of this anger before the pain subsides or I just stay a bear.