Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Graduation
On Saturday I walked in the School of Social Works Graduation Ceremony! I decided not to walk in the big one PSU puts on-- there are over 5000 graduates this years. Oldest one 77, youngest 16. WOW! I had the chance to see my sister in law graduate a number of years ago and it was a long ceremony. I loved it-- but I also didn't want to subject my children to that, so when the shorter version was available, I decide that was a better for me and my family.
And it was perfect. For them. For me. We had two speakers from our faculty. We had two student speakers. They said exactly what I needed to hear. I have worked hard to get here. I got here thanks to the support of my family, friends, extended networks. I also accomplished this on my own. It is my achievement that no one can ever take away from me.
I got the kids up, and two out of three of them were compliant. The 11 year old didn't want to go. She told me she has spent enough time supporting me and didn't feel it was necessary to go to the graduation ceremony. I was very calm and told her she had 5 minutes, or she was going in her nightgown. She ended up coming downstairs dressed in about 4. Of course, there was no smile on her face, quite the opposite, but I was trying not to let her get me down.
We drove into Portland and parked in my usual parking spot and walked over to the Stott building. I left my family there and went over to Hoffman hall to meet up with the rest of the SSW and CFS graduates for pictures. After pictures we went back to Stott and went into the downstairs gym and lined up, waiting for our turn to walk.
Before we walked Ben Anderson Nathe, the Child and Family Studies program director, told us that only 38% of American's have their Bachelors Degree. He told us this to tell us, no one should tell us we need to go on and get our Masters Degree, because we are simply amazing for having achieved this. Thinking about this made me tear up and I think I started feeling the magnitude of my accomplishment.
As we filed into the main gym, walking to the graduation tune, families were on all sides of us and were cheering us on. My arms had goosebumps and the hairs stood on end. My stomach felt excited and I was feeling pure joy. Again, tears in my eyes that I was here and experiencing this. I looked over and saw my children looking at me, two out of three smiling at me, and my sweetheart Darren cheering me on. It felt so good and happy. I was thrilled. I am thrilled. I can do hard things.
And it was perfect. For them. For me. We had two speakers from our faculty. We had two student speakers. They said exactly what I needed to hear. I have worked hard to get here. I got here thanks to the support of my family, friends, extended networks. I also accomplished this on my own. It is my achievement that no one can ever take away from me.
I got the kids up, and two out of three of them were compliant. The 11 year old didn't want to go. She told me she has spent enough time supporting me and didn't feel it was necessary to go to the graduation ceremony. I was very calm and told her she had 5 minutes, or she was going in her nightgown. She ended up coming downstairs dressed in about 4. Of course, there was no smile on her face, quite the opposite, but I was trying not to let her get me down.
We drove into Portland and parked in my usual parking spot and walked over to the Stott building. I left my family there and went over to Hoffman hall to meet up with the rest of the SSW and CFS graduates for pictures. After pictures we went back to Stott and went into the downstairs gym and lined up, waiting for our turn to walk.
Before we walked Ben Anderson Nathe, the Child and Family Studies program director, told us that only 38% of American's have their Bachelors Degree. He told us this to tell us, no one should tell us we need to go on and get our Masters Degree, because we are simply amazing for having achieved this. Thinking about this made me tear up and I think I started feeling the magnitude of my accomplishment.
As we filed into the main gym, walking to the graduation tune, families were on all sides of us and were cheering us on. My arms had goosebumps and the hairs stood on end. My stomach felt excited and I was feeling pure joy. Again, tears in my eyes that I was here and experiencing this. I looked over and saw my children looking at me, two out of three smiling at me, and my sweetheart Darren cheering me on. It felt so good and happy. I was thrilled. I am thrilled. I can do hard things.
Friday, June 5, 2015
I got this!
Its been a crazy term! I took 16 credits and am determined to finish up my two "I"'s on my transcript! Its a crazy amount of work, but I was lucky and had a few teachers I knew and was aware of their routines so I knew I could work it out. I just have the last minute crunch getting everything done by Monday! YIKES!
I also found out I can walk with my graduating class June 13th, even though I won't actually finish my degree until the end of FALL term. It makes sense since they only walk once a year, and I would want to walk with the 2015 class. I decided to go for it, even though it might feel funny coming back to campus afterwards to finish up. But I need this-- I have worked really hard for this. I can do it.
The color for the school of social work is citron-- which leads me to my new motto:
when life gives you lemons, go work your booty off and get a degree.
The down side is my mom is out of town. Had I had more notice, my sisters could have come in for it. My children and Darren will be there to cheer me on, and those are my important people, but I wish I could share this moment with more of the people who supported me. But honestly, it feels like a testament to the process... it was my choice, my journey, my fight to succeed. When I look at it that way, I don't mind celebrating with just my immediate family. I did this for me and my children. No one else. It works out to be kind of a beautiful way to end it, with me and them. I am happy.
I still have work to do. I couldn't have done it without all the love and support I was given. So there may be more posts of anxious homework and finals coming.... but so much has been accomplished. I got this!
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Clinging to the future, while appreciating the present
This statement is exactly how I feel right now:
Remember how far you've come not just how far you have to go.
You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be.
Today I am literally clinging to my future, but appreciating my present. I have come so far from where I was. I left a long term relationship where I was not appreciated, heard, respected. I can not go into details of that relationship, but there were aspect that were not OK and have damaged me very deeply. However hurt, I am still able to co-parent with this person and focus on my priorities, our children, and make sure they are secure, happy and still able to one day become contributing members of society.
I moved out to my own place, have been supporting my children, going to school, working anywhere from 12-20 hours a week. I have had support from so many wonderful people but my success is my triumph. I am so grateful to be able to see how much I have done, how far I have come. I've been able to look at past mistakes and try to not replicate them. It isn't easy. Ever, but its possible.
And yet, I still have so far to go. I am confident I will get there, but I am also anxious to be there already. I am excited for my future adventures and where they might take me. But it still feels so far away! I have to say I feel closer to the end point that I did last year, or two years ago. I am not there yet.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Mindful Me
I have decided to try really hard this term to be very mindful.
Mindful means being present in what I am doing--focusing on what it right in front of me.
I think if I can be mindful, focus on my tasks, stop living in the past, stop worrying about the future, I will be more successful than I have been.
Mindful means being present in what I am doing--focusing on what it right in front of me.
I think if I can be mindful, focus on my tasks, stop living in the past, stop worrying about the future, I will be more successful than I have been.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Happiness is....
Three healthy children minus these colds that won't go away.. but at least it isn't anything more serious.
Three wonderfully, amazing, and sweet sisters.. even though two live too far away from me, I was lucky to have them live close for years!
Parents who love me.. one who lives near by and will drop anything to help me, one who is close in spirit.
My sweet friends... those I see daily, and those I do not, but feel of their love daily.
A home.. even if it smells bad because of the water treatment plant-- at least my water is treated!
The privilege to finish school for my BS.. even if I have a monster headache from finishing up this last #$%&# paper!
Happiness is having so many things and so many people and so much to be thankful. I have been blessed beyond measure. I am so grateful for the people in my life who continue to love me. I am grateful for the things in my life that provide comfort for me and my children. I can never express my gratitude enough, but hopefully every day I will recognize the things I do have.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
2 years ago
2 years ago I was with my Mom and my Sister Bethany and we waited with Dad as he took his last breath.
We felt so much relief.
We also felt so much anguish.
I remember when we finally decided he was no longer with us, we huddled up and cried. I heard someone wailing. I couldn't tell if it was me or not.
It was so sad, and so exhausting. I have a spot in my heart that aches to see him again. Even if he had his confused look in his eyes he seemed to have so often at the end. I wish to joke with him and have a conversation with him, that in and of itself is not an important moment, but added to the peacefulness and value of daily life.
It is so hard to believe my Dad has been gone for two years.
Dad, I miss you so much. So many times I wanted to feel your arms around my shoulders again. So many times I want to squeeze you with my head on your shoulder where I always felt so protected and comforted. So many times I wanted to hear the compassion in your voice that was genuine and real. So many times I worry that I am lost without your guidance and support. I have so many amazing memories of you. So many reasons that I am who I am. So many fun times we experienced together-- because of your effort in being my Dad.
Being a good Dad takes and exceptional person, and you are an exceptional human being.
I miss you. I love you.
We felt so much relief.
We also felt so much anguish.
I remember when we finally decided he was no longer with us, we huddled up and cried. I heard someone wailing. I couldn't tell if it was me or not.
It was so sad, and so exhausting. I have a spot in my heart that aches to see him again. Even if he had his confused look in his eyes he seemed to have so often at the end. I wish to joke with him and have a conversation with him, that in and of itself is not an important moment, but added to the peacefulness and value of daily life.
It is so hard to believe my Dad has been gone for two years.
Dad, I miss you so much. So many times I wanted to feel your arms around my shoulders again. So many times I want to squeeze you with my head on your shoulder where I always felt so protected and comforted. So many times I wanted to hear the compassion in your voice that was genuine and real. So many times I worry that I am lost without your guidance and support. I have so many amazing memories of you. So many reasons that I am who I am. So many fun times we experienced together-- because of your effort in being my Dad.
Being a good Dad takes and exceptional person, and you are an exceptional human being.
I miss you. I love you.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Picture
I had a headache today-- sitting in my family law and policy class-- which sounds like a headache in itself-- but its not, its actually fascinating and my favorite class this term.... anyway... I was doodling. Here is how I felt.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Last Minute Papers
Every term I think I will get my homework done and even turned in early.
Every term I am up late the night a paper is due and I end up banging it out in one super stressed out, very focused work session.
I do pretty good on my papers too as I am writing about topics I enjoy and am studying specifically for. BUT-- I do not like the stress. In fact, I dread it... I spend weeks sitting around looking at empty pages and reading and rereading the assignments and brow beating myself because I haven't sat down and actually worked on the guts of the project. As I am taking harder and harder classes, its getting harder and harder to do.
What to do? Should I stop torturing myself and realize I am just going to wait until the last minute and not worry until that day arrives? I am not sure-- but I am exhausted, my lips have broken out in cold sores. I am not in a good place.
But I know it will get better-- like the day after my last paper is due.
Every term I am up late the night a paper is due and I end up banging it out in one super stressed out, very focused work session.
I do pretty good on my papers too as I am writing about topics I enjoy and am studying specifically for. BUT-- I do not like the stress. In fact, I dread it... I spend weeks sitting around looking at empty pages and reading and rereading the assignments and brow beating myself because I haven't sat down and actually worked on the guts of the project. As I am taking harder and harder classes, its getting harder and harder to do.
What to do? Should I stop torturing myself and realize I am just going to wait until the last minute and not worry until that day arrives? I am not sure-- but I am exhausted, my lips have broken out in cold sores. I am not in a good place.
But I know it will get better-- like the day after my last paper is due.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
6 Years Ago
Last night, feeling overwhelmed with homework, housework, children who were up several hours after having already gone to bed and not wanting to go back to sleep, I started crying. It took me a minute to figure out what was going on. But I think I figured it out.
6 years ago, I was having my third baby. My sweet little Kathryn who is just the joy of my life. She is generally a very happy person and always smiles at me and tells me she loves me. She is fun, wild, and can be completely overwhelming time consuming with her needs and wants and the way she needs and wants things makes me want to do anything in my power to give it to her.
Last night the kids and I were looking at pictures from 6 years ago. Little baby K, my big belly, young Leila and Nathan with their still round faces and small bodies. I guess I was feeling nostalgic because 6 years ago I had everything. I had a husband who loved me, I had my house, I had my three children, one of whom was brand new and all of us loved her so much.
I am so thankful I still have my children and the love we have cultivated in our family. However, everything else is gone, and I think I spent time last night grieving for my losses. I still can't quite make sense of how my marriage is simply over after all the shared experiences and shared love. And what I have now is still good, but its hard. I worry I am not good enough for this ultimate challenge. Its hard work to keep my kids up and running and their needs met, hard work to keep up on my homework, hard work to make a new relationship work, and hard work to keep my house running in the way I want it too. What's harder is to admit that I am not doing a real good job in any one area, all areas are suffering. And that isn't OK.
I've been told to give myself a break and take it easy, but when its my kids, or the I am trying to provide them... it just feels too important. Last night my boyfriend asked me what can I do? And I said, there is no solution. This is what it is and until I get done with school and can devote more time to the kids I am simply stuck feeling this way. And then I worry because I will be starting a new career. Will the stress of that simply take the place of the stress of school and keep me from taking care of all the needs within my home?
It feels like 6 years ago I had it better under control. But looking back on it, it was hard then too. Just a different kind of hard.
Again I have to say how thankful I am that I have what I have. I really have so much. I realize I haven't completely dealt with my feelings of the loss of my marriage as it happened during such a difficult time with so many other losses and hurts. I think my tears last night(Since I haven't been able to freely cry for years) were a good thing, now I just have to sort out the feelings that go with them. And find balance so I don't feel so darned inadequate all the time.
6 years ago, I was having my third baby. My sweet little Kathryn who is just the joy of my life. She is generally a very happy person and always smiles at me and tells me she loves me. She is fun, wild, and can be completely overwhelming time consuming with her needs and wants and the way she needs and wants things makes me want to do anything in my power to give it to her.
Last night the kids and I were looking at pictures from 6 years ago. Little baby K, my big belly, young Leila and Nathan with their still round faces and small bodies. I guess I was feeling nostalgic because 6 years ago I had everything. I had a husband who loved me, I had my house, I had my three children, one of whom was brand new and all of us loved her so much.
I am so thankful I still have my children and the love we have cultivated in our family. However, everything else is gone, and I think I spent time last night grieving for my losses. I still can't quite make sense of how my marriage is simply over after all the shared experiences and shared love. And what I have now is still good, but its hard. I worry I am not good enough for this ultimate challenge. Its hard work to keep my kids up and running and their needs met, hard work to keep up on my homework, hard work to make a new relationship work, and hard work to keep my house running in the way I want it too. What's harder is to admit that I am not doing a real good job in any one area, all areas are suffering. And that isn't OK.
I've been told to give myself a break and take it easy, but when its my kids, or the I am trying to provide them... it just feels too important. Last night my boyfriend asked me what can I do? And I said, there is no solution. This is what it is and until I get done with school and can devote more time to the kids I am simply stuck feeling this way. And then I worry because I will be starting a new career. Will the stress of that simply take the place of the stress of school and keep me from taking care of all the needs within my home?
It feels like 6 years ago I had it better under control. But looking back on it, it was hard then too. Just a different kind of hard.
Again I have to say how thankful I am that I have what I have. I really have so much. I realize I haven't completely dealt with my feelings of the loss of my marriage as it happened during such a difficult time with so many other losses and hurts. I think my tears last night(Since I haven't been able to freely cry for years) were a good thing, now I just have to sort out the feelings that go with them. And find balance so I don't feel so darned inadequate all the time.
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