6 Years Ago

Last night, feeling overwhelmed with homework, housework, children who were up several hours after having already gone to bed and not wanting to go back to sleep, I started crying.  It took me a minute to figure out what was going on.  But I think I figured it out.

6 years ago, I was having my third baby.  My sweet little Kathryn who is just the joy of my life.  She is generally a very happy person and always smiles at me and tells me she loves me.  She is fun, wild, and can be completely overwhelming time consuming with her needs and wants and the way she needs and wants things makes me want to do anything in my power to give it to her.

Last night the kids and I were looking at pictures from 6 years ago.  Little baby K, my big belly, young Leila and Nathan with their still round faces and small bodies.  I guess I was feeling nostalgic because 6 years ago I had everything.  I had a husband who loved me, I had my house, I had my three children, one of whom was brand new and all of us loved her so much. 

I am so thankful I still have my children and the love we have cultivated in our family.  However, everything else is gone, and I think I spent time last night grieving for my losses.  I still can't quite make sense of how my marriage is simply over after all the shared experiences and shared love.  And what I have now is still good, but its hard.  I worry I am not good enough for this ultimate challenge.  Its hard work to keep my kids up and running and their needs met, hard work to keep up on my homework, hard work to make a new relationship work, and hard work to keep my house running in the way I want it too.  What's harder is to admit that I am not doing a real good job in any one area, all areas are suffering.  And that isn't OK. 

I've been told to give myself a break and take it easy, but when its my kids, or the I am trying to provide them... it just feels too important.  Last night my boyfriend asked me what can I do?  And I said, there is no solution.  This is what it is and until I get done with school and can devote more time to the kids I am simply stuck feeling this way.  And then I worry because I will be starting a new career.  Will the stress of that simply take the place of the stress of school and keep me from taking care of all the needs within my home? 

It feels like 6 years ago I had it better under control.  But looking back on it, it was hard then too.  Just a different kind of hard.

Again I have to say how thankful I am that I have what I have.  I really have so much.  I realize I haven't completely dealt with my feelings of the loss of my marriage as it happened during such a difficult time with so many other losses and hurts.  I think my tears last night(Since I haven't been able to freely cry for years) were a good thing, now I just have to sort out the feelings that go with them.  And find balance so I don't feel so darned inadequate all the time.