Headaches- what to do with one?

Since I often have a headache, I choose to do one of two things. Lay low, or go forward full speed ahead.

Often I feel like laying in bed does me little good, and I prefer to NOT miss out on my life so I keep active. Sometimes doing things will distract me and can even help the pain go away. Sometimes it makes me sicker. Sometimes it just makes me cranky and I am sure those around me wish I had just stayed in bed.

Today, I don't want to do anything. I have a headache- its not even one of my bad ones. But I have a kitchen needing to be cleaned, carpets to be vacuumed, children to be read to and taught, phone calls to make, a part time business to conduct, laundry to be folded and put away, dinner to be planned and eventually made. I don't want to do any of this-- I just want to curl up in my bed and pretend I am in my home alone. I feel like I am avoiding everyone and everything. The guilt for this avoidance(Which isn't a true avoidance because I am not really avoiding anyone or anything but my not actively working to deal with people is what makes me feel like I am avoiding. Does that make sense?) brings me down even more.

So, I will give myself today. Tomorrow will be better. Now, I can't actually lay in bed and do nothing. I do need to get a few items on my list from above done. I will tend to the kids, and get dinner going(unless I can talk husband into bringing something home that we really can't afford.). But I won't do it all, and that is OK. It will be OK to lay low today.

American Headache Soceity

So, having had headaches for most of my life I turned to books and magazines and the Internet for help. Figuring out what type of headache I have. Searching for a list of dos and don'ts. I didn't realize until I ran across several blogs earlier this year that there is a specific community out there just for headaches! Is there really a community that would UNDERSTAND ME AND MY PAIN? WOW.

In fact, the is the 14th International Headache Congress being held in Philadelphia at the Pennsylvania Convention Center right now: September 10 to 13, 2009. The below link was neat to look at. I haven't spent much time there, but I plan on it. If I find anything interesting I might just post it.

http://www.americanheadachesociety.org/

Complaining

Am I allowed to complain? Of course anyone can complain, but am I allowed to complain even though I have NOT gone to the doctor? Should I just suffer in silence? Don't I deserve this pain on some level if I am not actively trying to find a cure for it?

My support people are awesome. But after so many whines and cries about feeling achey and gross- how much more do they need to listen? How much more can I subject them too. I am not going to the doctor yet. I know I should. I am nursing my sweet little baby, and while there are medications "safe" to take while nursing, I would rather not. I am also spending so much time at the Doctor for this same sweet baby who has kidney reflux, to make an appointment for myself seems crazy- where would I fit it in between her appointments? I even passed on the non-essential yearly check up on my 6 year old for this same reason. That and our insurance sucks and we can't afford any extra visits.

I am hoping to fight off the pain on my own. I go thru cycles of pain being worse at some times for than others. I am in the midst of a pain spell at the moment. But, I am hoping that this the magic time of year- school starting- I can find some relief. I am hoping with school starting my regular exercise routine will become, well, regular. I KNOW without a doubt exercise will help to some degree on more of my issues than physical health. I also think maybe two and half precious hours without the big kids will help too. Exercise, cleaning up the house, time teaching and loving my baby, maybe even some visits with friends will all be welcome and possibly therapeutic.

So, I guess I am in a wait and see mode. I WILL go to the doctor when I finally have had it(and I am getting close). But until then, I am trying to curb my whining. If I do open up to you about my pain, it means I trust you. It means on some level I expect you to be sympathetic. But I am trying to NOT be a burden on my friends. I don't know what I would do without some of you. I guess I can't expect you to NOT counsel me to go to the doctor(This counsel comes from not one person- but many). I might even need to keep hearing it. But, until I actually go- thanks for listening. I am trying not to bore or annoy you.

Want to be taken care of

When I was younger life stopped for headaches. It was new pain. It was extreme pain. It was scary pain. I would retreat to my little bed. I would get a nice cold drink. Our dog Princess, who was old and granny-like, would be allowed to sleep with me. My parents checked in on me often to make sure I was OK. I had physical comfort. I had emotional comfort. I hurt, but I felt safe.

As I have gotten older, the pain is the same. But I know it better. I self-comfort. Now that I have children if I am lucky enough to have someone around when I am in pain, I ask them to care for them. While I have a lot of compassion directed toward me, its just another headache to many of those around me. The physical and emotional support isn't as apparent, and that is just because Mom has a headache. Mom always has a headache. In fact, when a well meaning friend/family/loved one asks me about my pain, I usually downplay it. I usually reject it. This is my life, this is what I deal with, I am used to it.

BUT, I miss being taken care of. I miss the concern I once allowed others to have for me. Now i just don't allow it, which makes me feel lonely and needy. And then I get annoyed with myself because lonely and needy are the very last thing I should ever feel with the amount of love and support I actually do have. I do have a lot of support and love from my friends and family. But is it so bad to just want to be taken care of without worrying about anything?

A Headache of Convenience--eeer or maybe Inconvenience...

I often wonder if I can somehow control my pain. I do have headaches most days. Some days they are bad and I must lay down and leave my kids to fend for themselves(the big kids, not the baby). However it seems my worst headaches come up when husband is home. Instead of spending a fun day together I spend the day nursing my pain. I end up doing one of two things:


1- I turn the kids over to Daddy and sleep it off.


2- I power thru it and grin and bear it.


Often times when I went to work in an extreme amount of pain I was always glad for the distraction. A distraction from the physical pain, the nausea, the achey achey owie owie.

I stopped working to care for my children full time and I found myself not knowing HOW to distract myself from my pain. I am still figuring that out. It feels like I am more focused on the pain more so than I could be when I worked and had customers to care for, e-mails and reports to publish, goals to meet, oh yea, and friends to talk to.

I wonder why headaches hit when they do. Is it the anticipation of having a fun day that causes the headaches to roll in? Is it just dumb luck? Is it my sub-conscious trying to sabotage my good times?

Its not just the headache, it is the irritability, its the nausea, its the pain pain pain pain....

And I tell my husband about it, but mostly I try not to. He is so good with me, but he has his limits. How fair is it to him I have a headache every time we head out on a trek, or every Saturday morning he wants to sleep in?

And my poor children who deal with a mean mommy. My children, as adults, will probably talk about their Mother always telling them to be quiet. They know my headaches change me.

A Headache of Convenience-- or maybe Inconvenience... yes that is what I get. Any drugs out there for that?

Nip it in the bud

I had a headache today that was making me simply crabby. I don't like being crabby. No one likes me being crabby. BUT somehow those around me still love me anyway and put up with it.

I was able to head it off by taking some OTC pain killers right away. It worked. WWWAAAAHOOOO!

Looking back at this week, I did OK. I had headaches, but functioned anyway and didn't even seem to yell at my kids that much. :o)

PBP- not a cure for headaches

Another headache today-- so bad I veto's little man's request to go the dollar tree. BUT, not so bad I didn't stop for a Peanut Buster Parfait and Dilly Bars for the kids. Didn't help the headache. But sure tasted good. I wish I had another one. :o)

Type of Headache - the big bad migraine

I went ahead and posted my post from my informal/family blog just to have it here. I love that I wrote it- I seemed to hit on most points that come up when it comes to headaches. I plan on using it as a road map to expand on issues I am dealing with or have dealt with and most importantly, how I have learned from them.



As a teen, my headaches were classified as *migraine*. What is a *migraine*? In very simple terms a *migraine* = owie, owie, owie, leave me alone( usually followed by please or now). The pain is mostly on one side of the head with pounding or throbbing accompanying. I would sometimes have some vision changes which the doctors took as the #1 sign of being a *migraine*. In a few words it has something to do with vessel constriction. Mind you I am no doctor, and have only taken three biology classes, I will only discuss what I have found to be true in my experiences.

I don't think I have true *migraines* very often. Yes, I do get headaches so bad I need to spend a day in a dark room only eating crackers. But normally my head just hurts. I personally don't like calling my headaches *migraine*. How can I function with a *migraine* that the media claims to be so debilitating. Is there such a thing as a walking migraine? Why when I mention the word *migraine* the doctors stop any questioning and feel satisfied with that? Is there a doctor out there that I can completely explain my headaches and other wide-spread pain to that might tell me its something else?

I will put another post later with my triggers for headaches. I have one right now, of course, and looking at the computer screen, sitting in my less than ergonomic computer chair does not help. I am tired-- I want to be done with pain- anyone else know the feeling?

First Entry - June 2009

I have a headache today. A bad one. I am thinking of dipping my toe back into the medical world to get some relief, so of course I start on the Internet. I found a blog today about a woman up in Seattle who blogs about her headaches. http://www.thedailyheadache.com/ This website inspired me to blog about headaches.

I have been dealing with headaches most of my life. On my informal, family blog I wrote an entry back in 2008 that helps explain my situation with pain. http://mconser.blogspot.com/2008/04/my-headache-my-silent-partner.html

Normally I do not like to talk about my headaches. I have them so often that I prefer not to BORE or ANNOY people with my complaints. I have learned to live with them unfortunately and have simply found that part of my daily life is pain. Many people live with pain in their lives, so do I. So, I prefer not to draw attention to my pain or problems because I do not feel my pain or problems are unique, or make me any more needy than anyone else. My husband jokes(sort of) that I need to tell him when I DON'T have a headache, since that would be out of the norm. Also, it can be a bit annoying when very well intentioned loved ones offer advice that just isn't applicable to my situation. I know they are trying to help, but for well over 20 years I have been suffering, and I have yet to find my cure.

I plan to use this blog as my headache journal. A place to post what I am going through. I am not asking for sympathy, in fact, I would rather not discuss this blog with my familiars, but I think there is value in records and recording and need to do this for myself.

I also want to reach out to the community of headache sufferers. You might be moms, dads, singles, no-kids, teens, or whatever. But we all have one thing in common- life doesn't stop for our headaches.

I also want to post information I find out about headaches. There is such a vast array of information, I will only post specific pieces that I find useful. If I read a book on any subject I feel if I get one piece of information out of it that helps me, it was work the entire book. I want to share that information.

My Headaches- From my personal blog

I have chronic pain. Headaches actually, but the pain is wide spread thruout my body at times. Everything hurts. Lately its been radiating down the left side of my body, even down to my ankle. I have noticed very strong correlation with stress, lack of sleep, too much junk food. I usually know my triggers. If I don't realize it, I can look back and trace back to what I did or didn't do that resulted in my pain. Just coming off of tax season I have been able to relax, and its been nice to let my body have some down time. I am hoping the pain will slow down a bit, but I have yet to see that happen.

Here is my history as if it were yours: I want you to imagine a life where you have headaches at least half of the time, if not more. These headaches can range from very mild so as you hardly notice them, to very severe- throbbing constantly, churning your stomach, sensitive to light and sound. You remember going home from school in the 6th grade due to headaches. You try to get relief with different methods. At the young age of 13, one doctor just kept upping the dosage of one medication until you became so sick from the medication that you figured that was worse than the headache itself. These actions have caused a you to avoid medications, even for good, at any cost. You try to only take medications at very last resort for the rest of your life. This experience has also caused you to be hesitant to bring up your situation to doctors the rest of your life. Your wonderful parents were very concerned. They watched the pain and were likely suffering right along with you. They sent you to Physical Therapy. Bio-Feedback. Counseling. Allergist. Even a neurologist. A CAT-scan proved your headaches were not anything serious, like life-threatening. You just needed to cope and learn to live with them.

Too much of your life was passing you by while you laid in bed, in pain. One day on the way home from 8th grade with a massive headache there were some rowdy boys on the bus. There was a discipline problem at the time and the bus driver made seating assignments. He happened to seat you next to several of these nasty boys, who were shoving and you were shoved against the window, hitting your head, making the headache even worse. By some miracle Dad and Amy happened to be waiting at the bus stop to pick you up that day, even though the walk was very short. In tears you got into the car. Dad was not as concerned(The headaches were old news and by now you have had them for years and people were getting a little bored with your drama-- they still love you, but you always have a headache... you will deal with this your entire life). But at home after you crawled into bed, in tears, because the pain is so great, your sweet sister Amy comes and checks on you. While you can't express your gratitude to her at the moment, your heart will never forget her tenderness. Your headaches have always been a silent battle that your parents have helped you fight, the sisters learned early to steer clear of their aching sister. (I am sure it was scarey for them too-- in fact until this moment I have never thought about it from their perspective.) That summer you gave up a fun week-long babysitting gig out at the John-Day Fossil Beds with a family at church because you were afraid of an attack. It seemed you would get a very bad attack once a week that required much time in bed, a blessing from Dad, and the the calm would return and you could be a teenager once again. Some travel agency sent a poster size picture of a very blue ocean. You put this up above your bed so when you laid in bed you could focus on the ocean and thing quiet relaxing thoughts. So much of what you are learning is relaxing, controlling your muscles, controlling your internal stress. So you have that figured out you think, so why do I still feel so much pain you wonder. A question that will haunt you the rest of your life.

Finally I learned to LIVE with headaches: When I started some temporary work and was still calling in sick like I stayed home from school I realized pretty quickly it wasn't acceptable to live this way in the real world. I had to get up and go no matter what my body was telling me. My body seemed to be lieing to me anyway, I hurt, but staying in bed didn't seem to be the answer, I didn't feel a whole lot better. Sure, it was nice NOT to have to do anything for a while, but when you are talking several times a week, and you are looking at paying rent and utilities, and now I have children to care for and many other responsibilities, I can't stop. I don't believe I am doing any damage by powering thru my pain. In fact, now that I am home I am finding the distraction of work and the object of getting up early and having something concrete to focus on almost made it easier to get thru the pain. So, until a doctor tells me I need to stay in bed, I won't change my ways. But, I won't go work out or do anything too crazy-- I do know my limits. I am on a daily medication that started helping in the beginning. Its been about a year and its not helping as much as when I first started, so I need to go in and adjust the dosage or get on something new, but we just switched insurance and I was using tax season as an excuse to not do much. I have this on my to-do list. And not to worry, I drink my water, stay away from the "bad food" on the lists the doctors put out, take my multi-vitamins, and a multitude of other things many well meaning friends and family suggest every time I might make mention of a headache.

Those immediately around me understand. My sweet children know about my headaches, sometimes they can't be quiet because, well, they are children. My husband is usually accommodating. By day three of a week-long headache he has usually had enough and stops helping out as much, but Hey, he helped out for three days! I think that is admirable! But sometimes he just doesn't think about the constant pain I am in, and how the inevitably makes me not a nice gal. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, however I do wish sometimes some of those around me could experience one of my headaches just to see what it was like.

I have had my prayer friends take me under their wings or wrap me in their spiritual arms for a time, and I have felt it. Most recently was during this past tax season I shared my pain with a very dear friend because I was coming very close to a breaking point, wanting and needing to completely withdraw and get on some major medication for pain. I also shared this with my sister. The night before I shared my pain, I was busy running errands. My pain was at an all-time high. I hurt every where. I took a double dose of pain medication, but was pressing on with errands(probably shouldn't have been with the double dose of pain pills, but hey, I am a busy gal! I gotta do what I gotta do!). That night in bed, the pain was so great I couldn't sleep (an aspect my darling husband doesn't understand at all, why not just sleep it off?) my mind was wandering because I felt so alone and helpless. At least the house was quiet with sleeping children and I could de-stress for a few moments on my own. My mind was heavy because at work I was worried about my sisters health(high blood pressure), and my Dad's memory issues. I laid in bed saying my prayers when my mind wandered to the girl in the bible with the "issue of blood" and all the faith she had in Jesus to be made whole again. This inspired me to actually get OUT of bed and kneel. I need to be more like this girl, show my faith in my actions and ask to be made whole. I was able to sleep. That in and of itself was a relief. Nathan joined us at some point during the night, but it didn't disturb me. I woke up still in pain, and very emotional from the pain, the stress, all my worries. I was so grateful for a full nights rest. I shared this experience with my dear friend Marcie and my sister Amy. Their prayers started working(I have feeling Marcie shared my need of prayers), and by the end of the day I was feeling pretty good. The next day too. What a miracle. A miracle of prayer. A miracle of friends. A miracle of faith.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. -Martin Luther King Jr.

I had a major break-thru: If this pain was not from a headache and from some debilitating or life threatening disease like cancer, I would be so grateful to have time with my children, or friends, that no matter my pain, I would make the most of every single minute. So, just because the headache isn't killing me doesn't mean I shouldn't live as if today is the last day I might experience the simple goodness of my life. We never know when our last day of life will be... I don't want to waste it in my bed. I don't want to waste it complaining about my aches and pains. (Note: This doesn't mean I still won't have my days when I can't get out of bed for several hours, or won't whine for a minute or two. I am trying, I really am!) There is a good chance when you ask me how I am, if I don't answer "good" or "great" that means I am hurting. Also, if you notice I can't remember a word or two, or if my wrinkle between my eyes is a little deeper, or the color under my eyes a little darker, likely I am hurting. But play along... I don't want to dwell on my pain, I don't want you to either. I don't want my silent partner in life to win any precious minutes of my life.