What a difference

My life has changed incredibly.

The new meds took a week or so to adjust.  I am here, 4 weeks almost later, with a whole new drug regime and I actually feel like a contributing member of society.  At least I don't feel like such a failure around my home to my husband and children. 

Its an odd feeling to go to bed at night and realize I don't have pain.  Its an odd thing to have the energy to pick up the kids, get dinner started, pick up around the house, help the kids with homework, and have them help set the table so by the time darling husband is home we are the picture of perfection getting dinner on the table.  OK, not quite picture of perfection.  BUT, I feel vindicated  to some degree that no, I was not in fact lazy, depressed, faking it, or all those other hurtful things certain people said of me.  It was actually my pain.

I still have headaches several times a week.  I have a new rescue med that seems to help a bit more.  To say I am able to pay more attention to signals is the truth.  When one headache lead into another, or a headache lasted days or weeks, to find a trigger or a signal was just about impossible.  I am treating myself gingerly and paying close attention to the ringing in my ears, to the irritability I express shortly before a headache, and of course I can expect a headache depending on the time of month with more certainty than ever.  Now that I can feel a headache coming on, OTC meds are more helpful since I can take it before everything goes crazy.

I am not better.  I am not healed.  But right now life is so different for me.  I don't like being on this much medication.  I do plan on asking to wean off or mess with dosages in a few months, but for now I am appreciating what a normal life seems to be.  And I like it!

Here we go!

Went in to the Doc today... and came home with several new meds.  I am actually hopeful these might do the trick and help me a bit.  However, in the back of my mind is skepticism.  I am choosing not to listen to that for now.

Kids started school and we are starting to get a normal routine.  This also gives me hope.

My big girl was up with a bad dream, which woke up the other two.  Husband has an early morning meeting so I spent a good hour getting everyone calm and back to sleep.  And now, I am wide awake!  I have several things to do tommorrow, so I am hoping my crazy night tonight won't make it too hard for me.

But its nice to feel hopeful anyway.

ugh

I am so down today.  I am very tired and blue.  I will see my doctor next week- I couldn't bear to make arrangements on the last week of summer farming the kiddos out.  But I am just not feeling well and so tired of not feeling well.  I want to just feel better right now.  Or as my two year old often yells at me:  right this minute!  We are working on being kind in our home....

I have some fun creative plans that involve fruit- so I plan on working through my blues with colors of peach.  That will help, I am sure of it!

Didn't Wait

After a  very bad weekend following a really bad week and then heading into another rotten week, I decided not to wait.  I called the doc and adjusted some meds with an appointment to go in and see her in about a month.  I just did it.  No humming or hawwing.  No cold feet.  I called.

These headaches are controlling my life.  I am sure life will get better as routines and schedules normalize, but its not fair to my family for me to wait.  Its not fair to me to wait.  I am trying to be a better  wife and mother.  This hopefully will help me.

waiting for schedules....

Its been a while since I have posted.  I have considered deleting this blog-- or just making it private to only my eyes.  Haven't decided its future.

Its been a tough summer for me physically.  Not too bad considering the cooler temps we have had here in the Portland Area- only a few days over 80, while there are people DIEING from heat in the rest of the nation.  We still pack and carry around our hoodie's just in case.  Only in Oregon I guess.  But I haven't been well.  I am sick of it.  The kids are ready for school to start, but Oregon starts the day after Labor Day-- this is to accommodate all the farming folk.  I say that a roll my eyes a bit...

I haven't been able to get my exercise in.  I am not exercising, so I don't feel well.  I don't feel well, so I don't exercise.  What a conflict.  I have an amazing exercise group that I join three days a week right after I drop the kiddo's off at school.  The toddler gets to play with the other kids and us Mom's keep an eye out on the group as they go from one end of the church gym to the other(usually in a herd-like fashion).  For whatever reason I haven't been able to get my booty over there this summer.  I am definitely up and at 'em at  8:30 AM, but not able to get out the door.  I have gone running a few times, and I have found running in the morning is much more pleasant than running in the evening.  Problem is I don't feel so good in the morning(because i haven't been exercising perhaps), and unless I have a buddy I am meeting up with, I can't seem to make myself go on my own.  Lame.  I know.

So, while I want to run into the doc, I am hesitant.  I know come September schedules will be back to normal.  It will be busy with a boy in soccer, a girl in scouts and dance, and my ever busy toddler, hopefully in a dance or swim class herself.  BUT, I will have more structure to my time and will be able to count on several actions that will help me out.  I will hold on until then.  So... until then.... wish me luck!

being a caregiver

I am not well today. Headache of course.. stomach issues... nausea... widespread body pain. I am trying to lay low, but there is just too much going on. Mostly too much going on in my brain. Thankfully we do not have to be anywhere this morning, so even though I am not sleeping, I am not doing anything too extraneous.

My husband has Type 2 diabetes for a few years now. While its been under control, he hasn't been very good at monitoring it and recently it has spun out of control and we have been dealing with trying to pull it back in. Its a wake up call, but he has a lot of (mental?) issues in dealing with this disease. I am not sure he ever got out of the denial stage people go through when they learn of something big in their life. I am not sure if he is just in denial still, or if its arrogance, thinking he can over come problems with minimal effort, or a bit of laziness, not wanting to deal with it, so he doesn't. Whatever the reason, I am laying in bed at night wondering what is going on in his blood stream.

Last week included a trip to the ER because of high blood sugars. I watched them care for him, lecture him, and ultimately send him back home to take care of himself. I then watched as he did only a few things he was supposed to. So, I decided this week his apprehension for whatever reason had to stop. I took charge, called his doctor, who was out on vacation through next week. Since his doctors on-call doctors were not sure if his situation was emergency enough for a call-back, I got him into my doctor. We were both pleased with our visit with her and I appreciate again the time she takes in discussing health issues. It helps she specializes in diabetes prevention and treatment.

I am walking a fine line with my husband that I HATE. I don't want to be a nag. I do not want to be his mother. But we have too much riding on his health for me to step back and say: 'Its your life.' Its not just his life. Its our life. Its the life our children. He won't simply drop dead from this disease, he will have complications that will cause our family considerable stress for years to come.

In the meanwhile I am suffering my usual headaches and not getting my usual support from him. And I don't blame him- he should be focused on himself. He won't put his concerns into words and has shut down(He can't seem to talk about his feelings), but its obvious he is worried and very self-focused. His shutting down and not talking to me only escalates my concerns. I am filling my usual rolls and Mom and Wife. I am also having to step up to take better care of him. And with little acknowledgement from him and without his usual support to my own health issues.

I am very tired. I woke up this morning with a prayer on my lips for those around me suffering and going through unpleasant things or considerable changes- my husband included. I didn't think to add myself to that list. I will do that next time.

Body Combat

I went to BODY COMBAT today.  I am not sure I want to be at combat with my body... however... I am finally on the upswing of a several day-- actually a week and half long-- headache.  I have had varying degrees of pain over the past week or so.  This morning I felt the pain was around a 2- and after I got up and got moving I felt I could totally handle it today.  So I went with my neighbor to a local class(first class was free).

We were punching our (imaginary) opponent across the ring.  I was trying to visualize what I was beating the crap out of.  The face of my friends soon to be cheating x-husband popped in my head.  That felt good.  Then my sweet husband's face who has become sick of my headache this time around also floated through my mind- except he still takes care of me even when he is tired of it so I sent his face on its way with very little assault.  So-- I imagined my pain. 

My pain didn't have a shape or a form-- but I was hitting it and punching it-- upper cuts and side swipes.  It felt good.  It felt good to move and sweat.  It felt good to beat this thing.

After the work-out I felt good.  I am cautious-- I am a bit shaky and my stomach still a bit tangled from the headache.  But otherwise I am feeling good.  The visualization was definitely a positive thing for me.  I look forward to running in the morning.  Maybe I can visualize my pain behind me and I can simply out-run it?

Waking up is hard to do!

Do you ever wake up feeling amazing?  Do you wake up ready to take on the world?  Energy coursing through your veins?  A spring in your step?

Sigh.... I wish I did. 

Every morning I wake up in pain.  Once I get up and going it usually goes away.  When I was younger I would simply stay in bed.  When I got older and responsibilities wouldn't allow that behavior I pushed through it.

But I am tired of it.  I am tired of the daily pain.  I am tired of the fight every single morning.  I  keep wondering why-- why is this test here for me?  What am I learning from this that will make me a better person?  Why is this my challenge?  Ugh.... 

At least I have a sweet husband who will run downstairs and get me medication when I wake up.  He also will get the children fed while I am getting ready so my job of getting them out the door to school is that much easier.  I really have so much... so I guess this pity party is over.

It was good while it lasted

So, I was very fortunate to go on a vacation last week with my best girl friend.  My husband appeared to be super supportive and we had help from his lovely mother with the kids and I was able to enjoy my time away from them and my time with good friends and new experiences.

I really miss travelling.  My biggest regret in life is that I didn't travel more before children.  Of course, we can still travel with kids, but money is a big factor and different destinations are needed for this phase of our lives.

Anyway- I was able to spend much time every day in meditation and relaxation.  I was able to listen to my body and focus on my physical needs.  I was able to take preventative medication and stay on top of my headaches so that for the most part I didn't have them.... or was able to get rid of them quite quickly.  The uninterrupted sleep helped me, I am sure.  The non-demands of children needs, husband needs, home needs helped me too.  I felt truly relaxed and calm and enjoyed each moment as it happened. 

I talked to my kids each day.  My boy needed a song every night.  I missed them and planned what we would do on our next visit(My brother-in-law lives there, so its likely we will visit again).  Coming home was an enjoyable experience to be reunited with my babies.  I jumped right into the fire as the Teacher Appreciation Coordinator for the week and have been busy at the kids school. 

I haven't had the same amount of time to meditate or relax.  I haven't had the same care-free ability I had on vacation.  I haven't been able to truly listen to my body.  My headaches have been back.  I am focusing on the positives and while the pain is still extreme, I am trying to capture that same care-free attitude I had on vacation.  Its OK if things don't go according to plan.  Its OK if things aren't perfect, or even close to perfect.  I need to be making good memories and be enjoying every moment at hand.  The pain - free days were good while they lasted, but I can keep my attitude in check and make an effort to enjoy all my days.

Sliding

I've been letting things slide-- and its not OK.  Not really I don't think.

I am not sleeping as well- my routine I was trying to follow so perfectly fell by the wayside.
I am not communicating as well with my husband- my old fears of inadequacy and shame for the way I feel keep me from being truthful.
I've been sincerely trying to give myself an easier time with my limitations, however, this past week I have felt insecure about how these limitations are affecting my husband, my babies, my relationships.  That insecurity causes stress, which doesn't help with the sleep or the communication aspect.  I've pulled in and isolated myself a bit.

Its all a big circle.  I have to keep reminding myself as I go through my cycle of pain: the ups(no pain, or less pain), and the downs(painful days when its hard to keep my head above water), that I am OK.

The night my pain started up this past week I knew it would be a long one and prepared myself mentally.  Or I tried to anyway.  I took note of what I was feeling.
I told my husband I feel trapped. 
I feel trapped in this body. 
I feel trapped in this pain. 
Does it really matter what I do or how I cope?
These headaches are part of my life.  I just have to deal with then- they are part of who I am.  The limitations are simply just there.  I often refuse to let them slow me down too much, so this week I have tried to keep up the exercising and my usual pace of life.  I wasn't as forthcoming to friends and family with my pain this week. Honestly, it wasn't as bad as last months, however it was bad.  I was just tired of hearing myself complain.  And that was OK to ignore it- I almost felt normal when with people. 
And thankfully circumstances allowed me to take it easy to some degree.

Friday was a perfect day weather wise.  I am pretty sure I had a headache, but as I think back on that afternoon, I remember sitting on the front porch while the kids played on bikes and with sidewalk chalk and our picnic basket.  I pulled my pants up above my knees and took off my shoes.  I closed my eyes and faced the sun.  The sun baked my skin, but before I could get too hot, a gentle breeze would cool me down and I felt at peace.  I became aware of the stillness inside myself as I felt physical comfort and enjoyed the sounds of my children.  It doesn't matter today wether or not I had a headache, it only matters I felt the peace in that moment and can close my eyes and remember back on it.  That is a blessing I am so grateful for.