Sliding

I've been letting things slide-- and its not OK.  Not really I don't think.

I am not sleeping as well- my routine I was trying to follow so perfectly fell by the wayside.
I am not communicating as well with my husband- my old fears of inadequacy and shame for the way I feel keep me from being truthful.
I've been sincerely trying to give myself an easier time with my limitations, however, this past week I have felt insecure about how these limitations are affecting my husband, my babies, my relationships.  That insecurity causes stress, which doesn't help with the sleep or the communication aspect.  I've pulled in and isolated myself a bit.

Its all a big circle.  I have to keep reminding myself as I go through my cycle of pain: the ups(no pain, or less pain), and the downs(painful days when its hard to keep my head above water), that I am OK.

The night my pain started up this past week I knew it would be a long one and prepared myself mentally.  Or I tried to anyway.  I took note of what I was feeling.
I told my husband I feel trapped. 
I feel trapped in this body. 
I feel trapped in this pain. 
Does it really matter what I do or how I cope?
These headaches are part of my life.  I just have to deal with then- they are part of who I am.  The limitations are simply just there.  I often refuse to let them slow me down too much, so this week I have tried to keep up the exercising and my usual pace of life.  I wasn't as forthcoming to friends and family with my pain this week. Honestly, it wasn't as bad as last months, however it was bad.  I was just tired of hearing myself complain.  And that was OK to ignore it- I almost felt normal when with people. 
And thankfully circumstances allowed me to take it easy to some degree.

Friday was a perfect day weather wise.  I am pretty sure I had a headache, but as I think back on that afternoon, I remember sitting on the front porch while the kids played on bikes and with sidewalk chalk and our picnic basket.  I pulled my pants up above my knees and took off my shoes.  I closed my eyes and faced the sun.  The sun baked my skin, but before I could get too hot, a gentle breeze would cool me down and I felt at peace.  I became aware of the stillness inside myself as I felt physical comfort and enjoyed the sounds of my children.  It doesn't matter today wether or not I had a headache, it only matters I felt the peace in that moment and can close my eyes and remember back on it.  That is a blessing I am so grateful for.