The Start

So, I finally made it into the doctor! Yay! Hooray for me!

This was a huge step. It took months to actually go through with it thanks to my "issues" with doctors and getting the run-around. I finally called on day 5 of a headache and THE LINE WAS BUSY! The next day too. The number on the Internet must be bad. So, after another month and another round of a several day long migraine, I stopped in and made my appointment in person. I also grabbed several of her cards so I don't run into the busy signal again.

I had a complete exam that included a blood draw a few days before. I found out that I AM HEALTHY! In the back of mind I worried there was some underlying issue(diabetes or cancer or some rare disease they would need to send me to a controlled medical lab and test me for years....), and nope- my blood is perfect. My levels are 'beautiful'!

I had a great conversation with my doctor about my headaches. She and I discussed multiple factors, the different types of headaches, and different ways of treating them. I feel very satisfied with the time she spent talking and actually listening to me. She seemed to understand the stage of life I am in with my kiddos and the issues I am dealing with my parents. As we talked when I was unsure about a plan she was able to give me direction and let me weigh it out in my own mind.

I am looking forward(and I seriously can't believe that I am) to trying to this new plan and seeing how I respond to it. Maybe this is a feeling of hope? It feels like a brand-new notebook, so fresh and clean that I can just start writing in. I love new notebooks. But with this, I know first hand how hard it is to get to the right medication levels. But, maybe with this hope I will be able to continue on when the air goes out of my sails a bit. I am cautiously optimistic.

So.... here goes nothing!

Tri-athlete

Last Saturday(May 15th), I participated in my first tri-athlon ever! And it was a thrill!

I am so happy my body is healthy enough to participate. It is healthy enough to train. I am healthy!

I was very interested in seeing how my body responded to the training. I am not a fan of exercise and only do so because its on my list of things to do. I often have a headache and used that as an excuse(even though its a worthy excuse) to not go out and do what I know I am supposed to be doing.

Having a goal of this tri-athlon was what I needed. Several times I went upstairs to get ready to train and looked at my bed, or looked down the hall in the computer room and thought about just sitting.... I couldn't simply because I had a goal that seemed larger than life! I HAD to get my shoes on and head out the door because I, quite frankly, didn't want to DIE on the tri-athlon course!

The break from the kids was good for me too. Thankfully I have a very supportive husband who didn't mind when I took off in the evenings to swim. Or spent my Saturday morning biking. Or listened to me complain of my hip hurting after a run. While out and about I had a chance to meditate, think, evaluate my life. I am thankful for that time- and I need MORE of it!

I had a couple of nights where I couldn't go. My head hurt too bad and I listened to the beckon of my bed. The bad headaches were just as bad as they normally were.

But the daily quiet headache seemed to leave me quicker than usual. This could be from the exercise. This could be the fact exercising(running, biking and swimming) hurt different muscles and I was swallowing anti-inflammatories daily. It could be I just became so focused on my goal that my pain took second shelf.

This past week I came down with strep throat and didn't exercise at all. I wanted to- my body needed it. It also needed to rest. My baby also needed it. She was used to heading out into the world about an hour before we pick up our boy from the bus-stop. She brought me her shoes and tried to get me out of the house at our usual time(Pretty cute if you ask me!).

I look forward to next week so I can get out and exercise some more and continue to watch my body's reaction. I also promise to call my doctor to get my physical so we can start evaluating my headaches again. I also need to decide on my next "event" so I can be goal oreinted with training again!

I am a tri-athlete!

Does knowlege bring comfort?

I get hormone headaches. I am very sensitive to hormones and will get one the day before the day of the beginning of my period. My worst headache in my life was after giving birth to baby #3. Hormone fluctuations are a BAD word.

When I mention this, most people are relieved or excited or assume that its great I know the cause of my headaches. While a woman has hormonal fluctuations all month long, not all of my headaches are because of this. I probably attribute one or two a month to this. And having 3-5 headaches a week, two a month isn't much. Even if I could treat these few period headaches, I still have a month worth of headaches that I don't know the exact cause.

But there is security in knowing why I have a headache. Kind of like a mystery solved(read: Phew- at least it wasn't a stroke!). So I wonder if I knew the cause of every headache, even if there was no solution, if it would give me some sort of comfort. I wonder.

This reminds me of a time in my youth when I told my Dad if I ever died before him, he needed them to open up my brain and find out what the cause of all these headaches were- I wanted him to search for an answer to all of this pain. After talking with him about this subject I decided I wouldn't want to him to look into after all. I believe I will look back on this life from a different perspective and see what God wanted me to learn from all of this pain and that will be enough(Too bad I haven't figured it out yet- maybe that would help the headaches stop?)

And while I love hearing people tell me their reasons for getting headaches and giving me the advice(Wear sunglasses, drink more water, take your multivitamin, lay off the wheat products), I still have to swallow my knee jerk reaction, which is: You honestly think I haven't looked into that one before? Good intentions- I need to take them for what they are: Good. I have learned to smile and nod.

I will help you

I did go to the doctor on Tuesday. Wow! Except it wasn't specifically for migraines. I felt a UTI coming on and didn't get in soon enough and ended up with a UTI and a kidney infection. I have only met with this Doctor once before- about a year ago when I was pregnant and about to pop. My OB/GYN's office was giving me a hard time about not having a primary doctor listed, and I didn't have one since we switched insurances.

Anyway, I used this time to talk to her about my headaches. I told her about them my first visit, so she asked me about them before I had a chance to mention them. She said: I will help you.

I am still nursing. The weaning is going very slowly, and I am wondering if I really want to wean this beautiful baby. The quiet times I have to nurse are priceless. I get to not only enjoy my sweet baby in my arms and marvel at the fact I am still nourishing her body over a year after she left my body, I also use this time to meditate and examine my life. I pray and think about my blessings and ask for guidance and comfort going forward. Will I carve out this time after we are done nursing? I think I will try.

So, I will go in for a physical. Its been a long time since I have had all my level checked. Throughout my headache journey a lot has been tested and tried, but I can't remember what, and that was long ago. It will be interesting to start at ground level and see if she really can help me.

Same old...

After a very lovely day without pain I embarked on a week with relentless headaches. Sweet husband has been very accomodating with my pain. He has helped with the baby quite a bit and given me my space.

But I am just tired of it.

I have a great support system. I have people I can call to help me out. But as a my job right now is caregiver and mommy, I do not feel comfortable having someone take care of my children so I can get rest or sleep or peace and quiet when it might not even help my symptoms.

Goods news. I am ready to call the doc.

No Headache?

I was so excited to blog last night--

I had a day without a headache!

Well... it started with one as usual- my typical throb- but I took something and ate a yummy breakfast made just for me by my amazing husband and off to church I went to practice with the choir. I skipped out on the getting everyone out the door part(I had the kids ready to go, only Daddy needed to finish getting ready), and that relieved a little of my usual Sunday stress.

Now church, while I love it, is a hard thing for me. I am not sure why, but I usually feel exhausted, headachey, and just plain spent by the time I get home from three hours. It might be the spiritual aspect that wears my mind out, it might be the fact I am wearing shoes and clothes that just aren't super comfortable. Maybe its my "let down" assumption that I have a day where my husband is home to help me out if I need it, so I usually need it. Who knows.

But this past Sunday I felt great! So good! My husband noticed a difference and mentioned my being in a great mood. I didn't need to go lay down at all after church. We went on a family walk(I even ran a bit). I played HORSE with my husband, and was the horse.

I felt so good. I wondered what did I do differently this past week? I exercised a lot more than usual, ate the same, stress wasn't as bad as it has been. I went to bed Saturday night at a somewhat decent hour.

I was so excited, I couldn't wait to make this post last night. Except we got a virus on our 'puter and I couldn't.

Well. The No Headache status didn't last. The baby had a really hard time last night. She switched back to her daily low-dose antibiotics from her super strong ones for the ear infection she had last week. She was fussy, wouldn't let me put her down. So, I woke up in pain around 1 to tend to her. I tried to put her down again and couldn't. I held a bit longer, but my right shoulder and upper back was killing me. I was in so much pain I went downstairs for some medicine. I finally got her settled again and slept for another few hours when she was up around 4. I just couldn't do it. I tried, but finally I asked for help. My husband took over and he dealt with her while I layed in my bed with my back and head and joints hurting. My mind couldn't rest because my baby was crying. Then I started thinking about things that tend to haunt me in the middle of the night. I got up around 7, still hurting, but thankful for the little amount of rest I did have.

I managed to get dressed and lunches made, kids fed and dressed, kids sent off to school. My kitchen was a mess, but that was OK. When Baby and I got back home we had some breakfast together. My sore and stiff body didn't want to move, but being that today is fore casted to be one of the last non-raining days for a while I loaded Baby into her stroller and we went for a walk. It felt good. My headache receded. My stiffness left. We lunched with Daddy and came back home and while I am feeling slower, I am OK. While I am irritable and a bit sensitive, I am OK. And its OK to be just OK.

I got the baby down for a nap. I watched a neighbor boy for a few hours. I cleaned up the kitchen. I managed to get my kids some after school snacks that actually kept them full for longer than 15 minutes. I was able to get dinner(out of the freezer- yay for home made freezer meals!) made. I am glad my husband is home now and I get a 15 minute break. I have my aqua aerobics class tonight that I haven't decided if I will go or not.

WHAT I AM LEARNING FROM TODAY: I can live with pain. I can live with my headaches. I can still CARE for my FAMILY and meet my obligations. I might do it better without the pain, BUT I am capable to do it with it. And I think that is pretty darn OK.

Headache related sleeplessness

"Honey, you need to go to bed soon," my darling husband said as he pulled the covers up to his ears around 11:30 last night.

I laid in bed with a massive headache. I wanted to cry it hurt so bad, but crying makes it hurt worse, so I did a lot of breathing.

I couldn't sleep. The pain was just too great. And it frustrated me that my husband would advise me to do what I wanted to do most.

This morning my head pain is only about a 3/10. But I am groggy... so tired... wishing I could sleep all day long.

BUT- I have things to do today. Kids off to school. Watching my nephew while my sister goes and supports my parents as my Dad is about to get his official diagnoses of Alzheimers(my baby will be napping so I can't go with). I have fun afternoon planned to visit with a good friend. We have actual plans to go out for dinner tonight as family. So, I am busy with good things. This will help me "power thru the pain" and have a somewhat normal life.

Meanwhile... my bed.. my sweet sweet bed... is calling me. I long to sink into it and pull a pillow in my arms. Why couldn't this happen last night?

Sleep?

A new mom expects to miss out on the most precious commodity called sleep. Its part of the deal- I suffer for 9 months to bring a child into this world. I suffer another 12 hours to birth this child. I suffer the first 6 weeks trying to heal, adjust, and get back to normal. For me all the 9 months, 12 hours and 6 weeks are sleepless. I am now embarking on almost a year after birth waking up with a baby. It isn't really her fault- but she right now is the main reason for it. But, I have sleep issues- did before babies, and will continue after babies aren't babies anymore most likely.

My 6 year old has troubles falling asleep. I feel for her, I really really do. I know how desperate and exasperated one feels laying in a bed willing yourself to sleep. I am sure it does not help to have someone coming into your room every so often telling you that you HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP! And like myself, my 6 year old is grumpy when she is tired in the mornings. It is so hard to wake up in the mornings. I can only remember a very few number of occasions in my life when I woke up ready to bound out of bed. I do initially feel bad for her in the morning and try to be cheerful to her grumpiness, try to be deaf to her whining and crying, and understanding to her problem. But on the mornings I had a rough night- I am not so much. I am blessed to have a husband that can usually stick around until we are ready for school so when I am ready to scream at this precious grumpy girl he can step in.

When I do not get enough sleep, I hurt. My head hurts. If I go for days without a good nights rest, I feel in a fog. The rest of my body starts hurting. My anxieties rise. My patience is thin. I am not nice to be around. I want to cry. I want someone to take care of me, but I want them to offer it before I ask for it.

I can't remember the last time I slept through the entire night. Pregnancy has me up constantly thanks to a weak bladder from birthing 9 pound babies. This wonderful precious baby who has been with us now for over 11 months still gets up twice or more a night. While I would love to let her cry it out and learn to sleep on her own, she has kidney reflux and has already had a number of UTI's. I never know if she is in pain or not, so I can't let her cry it out. I have been readying the no-cry-sleep-solution, but so far I think its teaching her worse habits than she had before.

She has been sick with a fever for the past three nights and I have not slept more than a few hours in a row for these past three nights. I think I am loosing my mind. But I did find this funny fact:

• A new baby typically results in 400-750 hours of lost sleep for parents in the first year.

There are some other funny and amazing sleep facts at:

http://www.abc.net.au/science/sleep/facts.htm

A few others that stood out:
Seventeen hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol-level of 0.05%.

Feeling tired can feel normal after a short time. Those deliberately deprived of sleep for research initially noticed greatly the effects on their alertness, mood and physical performance, but the awareness dropped off after the first few days.

Some studies suggest women need up to an hour's extra sleep a night compared to men, and not getting it may be one reason women are much more susceptible to depression than men.

Its just me

My husband has had the last week off- we have been pretty busy visiting friends, running errands, organizing our home to keep it organized to start off 2010 right. I usually wake up with some pain- and with him home its been a wonderful chance to pass the baby off to him and sleep another 15 minutes or at least have some quiet time to collect my courage to meet the day head-on.

Today was our first day with little to do, so I planned lunch with a friend. So many people tell me I need to just let loose and have fun with my friends. That should help. In the middle of lunch(and it was wonderful to have this time with a friend and no kids) the headache lurked in the back ground. I got home took some meds and layed down. That should help. I woke up with the same headache a little louder. I went downstairs and watched Monsters vs. Aliens with the kids and it hit me hard. Ugh. I took some stronger stuff. We had dinner. That did help. I am feeling much better, just really tired.

So, ask me how I am and I will tell you fine. I probably have a headache. But its just me. Its my lot in life.

2010- when I am done nursing the baby I will go back to the Doctor to start the always enjoyable process of finding the right solution.

Bear

I move my head and it throbs. Light sends pain searing through my eyeballs. Sound is excruciating. Movement hurts. People not listening to me annoys me. My fuse is so short and the pain is so relentless that I have transformed into a bear of polar proportion.

Everyone suffers.

I cry.

I cry because not only do I hurt so bad, but I feel just horrible about the monster I have turned into. I cry because my sweet husband and adoring children do not deserve to be treated this way.

Now, not only do I feel horrible physically. I feel horrible in my heart.

It hurts- my heart hurts when I realize that those surrounding me get caught up in my storm, as if they are standing on the outskirts of a storm system, and the pain they feel is not like mine. The pain they feel is caused by me. By my words. They are remembering me being this way. I am not just a cranky mom/wife in pain, but to them I am simply a cranky and sometimes mean.

I am also angry. I am angry my husband has limits on his patience. I am angry he gets the "easy" job to run off to work and provide for our physical needs while I am at home in a very dark place trying to provide for the emotional needs of our family. Angry that I can never have a day off. That I can never have enough time to really deal with the root causes of this pain. And I have to let go of this anger before the pain subsides or I just stay a bear.