Morning thoughts

I'm laying in bed this morning. My mind is wandering and of course it takes me to my Dad. The journey of his Alzheimer's was long and hard. So glad it's over, but I'm still only now coming to grips with what I went thru.

He had a stroke a number of years ago. I remember my mom calling me and telling me something was wrong. Not knowing what was going on, we chatted, then got off the phone. Several hours later my sister called me from the ER. I remember right after the phone call my sweet husband coming in and not knowing what was wrong simply took me in his arms. What a blessing of love and support he was. Not knowing what to do he still managed to somehow give me what I needed.

Fast forward 6 ish years later and my Dad dies. My sweet husband has no idea what to do with me. What used to be instinct between us is now a scary unknown. Any action we used to take has been replaced by either apprehension of it being taken the wrong way, or fear of rejection that we can't be enough for the other person.

So, when I said, leave me alone, I wanted to be left alone. But a hug or a touch on the way out would have been nice. Or peeking in on me after a bit would have been a comfort to me.

He seemed to know instinctually how to keep the other parts of life running smoothly by keeping the house clean, the kids fed, the house running. But he was at a loss as to what to do with me. Maybe he also didn't know what to do with himself or his own unexpressed grief, which he still hasn't verbalized.

I wonder how we got here: so disconnected. No longer what we once were. How could someone whose personality was once so good for me, so comforting and all encompassing of my needs, no longer be what I need? Did it take a major life event for me to realize how far we had gotten from each other?

And then my thoughts go to a darker place: why doesn't he love me enough to fix this? What have I done or not done? Why am I not worth it? Of course, love has very little to do with this. I feel like we simply lost our way back to each other. Months of weekly counseling proved neither of us will change. We are not willing to change, or we are too tired to change, or we can no longer change. Maybe a combination. But it's likely not going to happen.

So I'm alone again.

I wonder what Dad would do or say or how he would make this all better. He wouldn't. He couldn't change things or actually make them better. But his support would help. He would just love me. Make me smile. Tell me I am strong. I am blessed. He would tell me my husband is a good man who will always care for his family. He would tell me I can take this next step and I will be OK. Anyone who knows me will know I'm doing the right thing for me and my babies.

And now I'm ready to get up and meet my day head on.


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