Its OK to lie- that is what I tell myself anyway.
How are you? "Fine." "OK." "Oh, you know."
These answers are all lies. I am not fine. I am not OK. You couldn't possibly know.
I might even answer: "Its been a rough day." or "Not feeling so good." But these are lies too. Its more than that.
I have had some positive things happen lately. I am on a good track for my health. But today I am in extreme pain and feeling very low. I am on day 5 of intense pain. I am feeling lonely. No one checks on me. I am throwing myself a pity party. And eating chocolate. Wishing I could just spend an entire day in bed and in peace and quiet. That is not in the cards, so I am going through the motions even though it is excruciating to do so. And I lie about that too. I will never admit to anyone how hard it really is to live a "normal" life.
Of course no one checks on me. I should feel lonely. I lie. I am not comfortable talking about my pain. Not to those closest to me. Not to those I trust or who love me. Not even to paid professionals.
So, my walls are up pretty high. I think this time I will leave them up for a while and just wait to see who breaks them down. I am going to lie again and say I don't care if nobody does.
Megan,
ReplyDeleteI've been close to enough people who have to put up walls for protection to know not to just try to knock through them or give trite cliches to minimize what you're going through, and I know I'm not in your inner circle of friends closest to you or anything where anything other than what I'm trying to say here would be welcome from me, so from the point of view of someone who knows you a little but recognizes some of these feelings too, I can at least hang a note on the wall to say I'm sorry you're in pain (and sorry you're feeling physical pain too), and you do have friends who you can talk to when you're ready to want that.
The worst feeling at times like these—and I would guess most of us have felt what you're describing enough to at least have a clue what you're expressing and recognize those times in our lives too—is to let it drive you into thinking you're alone in your misery, that it's only you, and that's not true. We may not all face exactly the same problems but we all face something and sometimes those things are terribly hard to get through. Just don't let anyone tell you you're not worth trying for, or that the things you can't take on in life right now make you any kind of lesser person, wife, mother, or anything else. Let them walk in your shoes for a while and see if they're even up to what you're doing to survive. You have a lot to deal with on your plate, and those who love and support you will have to understand there is a season for everything. If it's your season to focus on getting through a hard circumstance, they can be there to help take up the other burdens of life to let you do that; when it's your season to be more on your own firm standing ground, you can do that for them.