Funny Dreams

I have had amazing wonderfully crazy dreams lately.  A lot of them are mirroring my real life, except they have a flair of something fantastical in them.... like some gorgeous red heels, a really fast sports car, a mob boss career, or such as last night:  I was dreaming about our family trip to Disneyland in September.  While waiting for others to arrive I was talking to some girls who couldn't believe I was 36!  They thought there was no way I could be old enough to be a mother to an 8 year old!  Amazing dream!  I woke up feeling like I looked way older than my 36 years, but I appreciated the compliment my subconscious was trying to give me.

I had a really rough night last night.  The pain is intense, I took a lot of different medication and now I feel sick from it, and still have the pain.  Overall I have to say the headaches have been better for me.  But the average person would still complain.  Overall I have to say I am very grateful for my life and my ability to act and do the things I need and sometimes want to do.  But I still can't do it all.  Overall, things are better, but they are still hard.

I need to recommit to this blog/journal and decide how to use it.  Am I using it for my personal purposes, for outreach purposes, for fun(ha!)?  I am figuring it out.  But I do need to use it.  For whatever reason I am going through my trial locked in this body with pain I need to express it.  I need to share how I cope and live with it.  I feel a need to record my experiences, possibly for my children and posterity.  They may or may not find my actions helpful to them, but they will likely find some humor and humanity in them.  Or maybe not-- maybe its just for me to get my problems out so I can move onto the next item in my head.  Whatever the case may be, it feels good to get it out.

Weakness

Adjustment better... hormones stable... life somewhat normal and I am feeling pretty OK.  Almost like other people might feel, at least I think that might be the case. 

However, last week was a very stressful week.  Some good stress, more bad stress, some personal disappointment, and a lot of busy days made my life a little hectic.  With the craziness I haven't been taking as good of care of myself as I should be, as I normally do.  I have been a bit down.  And I have woken with several really bad headaches.

Thankfully, these headaches didn't last all day as they would have, but I find myself watching me from the outside thinking:  Is she really so weak that a few days of blues, or a few things of stress that ultimately she can not change will cause her to physically react?  Why would my weakness manifest itself into pain in my head.  Have I somehow directed it there?

I am not sure whats up with that.  Its mostly a passing thought, but I am wonder how its all connected.

So whats my overall mood:  So very thankful for my loving friends and family.  Frustrated with several disappointments the past week brought, and worried about several family members and their current situations.  And tired... very very tired.  Still blue.  But not in pain every day. Yay!

Oh Yawn....

So, after a month of being on my new drug cocktail, I was quite encouraged.  I noticed my pain not being nearly as intense as it had been, or as often.  I had more energy and was able to accomplish more of the things I desire to accomplish each day.  So, as usual, I started filling my weekly drug holder that gives me my daily pills in AM and PM format so I don't rely on my very poor memory to make sure I am taking all my meds.  While doing so I realized I needed to get my prescriptions refilled.  Except why do I have so many of my newest drug left.  I re-read the label and realized I had only been taking half of the directed dose.  Oops.  Here is what came to mind:

• Yay!  Only half of what the doc wanted me to take helped me considerably!  Maybe I don't need it all.  (I am not sure why I am so embarrassed by the amount of meds I am taking)
• I wonder..... if I take the full dose if I will feel even better?

And then:

• Ugh, if I up the dosage then I will have another week or so of adjustment.

I decided to up the dose to the prescribed amount.  It felt like the adjustment took a bit longer this time around.  And lately I have had daily headaches and general overall lack of motivation to get things done and take care of myself, which is a contrast to those few weeks when I was feeling really good.  Of course I have my typical hormonal changes that wreck havoc to my system, so I am sure in another week life will be better again.  I am not sure what is going on.   It just feels like a set back.  I don't like it.

What a difference

My life has changed incredibly.

The new meds took a week or so to adjust.  I am here, 4 weeks almost later, with a whole new drug regime and I actually feel like a contributing member of society.  At least I don't feel like such a failure around my home to my husband and children. 

Its an odd feeling to go to bed at night and realize I don't have pain.  Its an odd thing to have the energy to pick up the kids, get dinner started, pick up around the house, help the kids with homework, and have them help set the table so by the time darling husband is home we are the picture of perfection getting dinner on the table.  OK, not quite picture of perfection.  BUT, I feel vindicated  to some degree that no, I was not in fact lazy, depressed, faking it, or all those other hurtful things certain people said of me.  It was actually my pain.

I still have headaches several times a week.  I have a new rescue med that seems to help a bit more.  To say I am able to pay more attention to signals is the truth.  When one headache lead into another, or a headache lasted days or weeks, to find a trigger or a signal was just about impossible.  I am treating myself gingerly and paying close attention to the ringing in my ears, to the irritability I express shortly before a headache, and of course I can expect a headache depending on the time of month with more certainty than ever.  Now that I can feel a headache coming on, OTC meds are more helpful since I can take it before everything goes crazy.

I am not better.  I am not healed.  But right now life is so different for me.  I don't like being on this much medication.  I do plan on asking to wean off or mess with dosages in a few months, but for now I am appreciating what a normal life seems to be.  And I like it!

Here we go!

Went in to the Doc today... and came home with several new meds.  I am actually hopeful these might do the trick and help me a bit.  However, in the back of my mind is skepticism.  I am choosing not to listen to that for now.

Kids started school and we are starting to get a normal routine.  This also gives me hope.

My big girl was up with a bad dream, which woke up the other two.  Husband has an early morning meeting so I spent a good hour getting everyone calm and back to sleep.  And now, I am wide awake!  I have several things to do tommorrow, so I am hoping my crazy night tonight won't make it too hard for me.

But its nice to feel hopeful anyway.

ugh

I am so down today.  I am very tired and blue.  I will see my doctor next week- I couldn't bear to make arrangements on the last week of summer farming the kiddos out.  But I am just not feeling well and so tired of not feeling well.  I want to just feel better right now.  Or as my two year old often yells at me:  right this minute!  We are working on being kind in our home....

I have some fun creative plans that involve fruit- so I plan on working through my blues with colors of peach.  That will help, I am sure of it!

Didn't Wait

After a  very bad weekend following a really bad week and then heading into another rotten week, I decided not to wait.  I called the doc and adjusted some meds with an appointment to go in and see her in about a month.  I just did it.  No humming or hawwing.  No cold feet.  I called.

These headaches are controlling my life.  I am sure life will get better as routines and schedules normalize, but its not fair to my family for me to wait.  Its not fair to me to wait.  I am trying to be a better  wife and mother.  This hopefully will help me.

waiting for schedules....

Its been a while since I have posted.  I have considered deleting this blog-- or just making it private to only my eyes.  Haven't decided its future.

Its been a tough summer for me physically.  Not too bad considering the cooler temps we have had here in the Portland Area- only a few days over 80, while there are people DIEING from heat in the rest of the nation.  We still pack and carry around our hoodie's just in case.  Only in Oregon I guess.  But I haven't been well.  I am sick of it.  The kids are ready for school to start, but Oregon starts the day after Labor Day-- this is to accommodate all the farming folk.  I say that a roll my eyes a bit...

I haven't been able to get my exercise in.  I am not exercising, so I don't feel well.  I don't feel well, so I don't exercise.  What a conflict.  I have an amazing exercise group that I join three days a week right after I drop the kiddo's off at school.  The toddler gets to play with the other kids and us Mom's keep an eye out on the group as they go from one end of the church gym to the other(usually in a herd-like fashion).  For whatever reason I haven't been able to get my booty over there this summer.  I am definitely up and at 'em at  8:30 AM, but not able to get out the door.  I have gone running a few times, and I have found running in the morning is much more pleasant than running in the evening.  Problem is I don't feel so good in the morning(because i haven't been exercising perhaps), and unless I have a buddy I am meeting up with, I can't seem to make myself go on my own.  Lame.  I know.

So, while I want to run into the doc, I am hesitant.  I know come September schedules will be back to normal.  It will be busy with a boy in soccer, a girl in scouts and dance, and my ever busy toddler, hopefully in a dance or swim class herself.  BUT, I will have more structure to my time and will be able to count on several actions that will help me out.  I will hold on until then.  So... until then.... wish me luck!

being a caregiver

I am not well today. Headache of course.. stomach issues... nausea... widespread body pain. I am trying to lay low, but there is just too much going on. Mostly too much going on in my brain. Thankfully we do not have to be anywhere this morning, so even though I am not sleeping, I am not doing anything too extraneous.

My husband has Type 2 diabetes for a few years now. While its been under control, he hasn't been very good at monitoring it and recently it has spun out of control and we have been dealing with trying to pull it back in. Its a wake up call, but he has a lot of (mental?) issues in dealing with this disease. I am not sure he ever got out of the denial stage people go through when they learn of something big in their life. I am not sure if he is just in denial still, or if its arrogance, thinking he can over come problems with minimal effort, or a bit of laziness, not wanting to deal with it, so he doesn't. Whatever the reason, I am laying in bed at night wondering what is going on in his blood stream.

Last week included a trip to the ER because of high blood sugars. I watched them care for him, lecture him, and ultimately send him back home to take care of himself. I then watched as he did only a few things he was supposed to. So, I decided this week his apprehension for whatever reason had to stop. I took charge, called his doctor, who was out on vacation through next week. Since his doctors on-call doctors were not sure if his situation was emergency enough for a call-back, I got him into my doctor. We were both pleased with our visit with her and I appreciate again the time she takes in discussing health issues. It helps she specializes in diabetes prevention and treatment.

I am walking a fine line with my husband that I HATE. I don't want to be a nag. I do not want to be his mother. But we have too much riding on his health for me to step back and say: 'Its your life.' Its not just his life. Its our life. Its the life our children. He won't simply drop dead from this disease, he will have complications that will cause our family considerable stress for years to come.

In the meanwhile I am suffering my usual headaches and not getting my usual support from him. And I don't blame him- he should be focused on himself. He won't put his concerns into words and has shut down(He can't seem to talk about his feelings), but its obvious he is worried and very self-focused. His shutting down and not talking to me only escalates my concerns. I am filling my usual rolls and Mom and Wife. I am also having to step up to take better care of him. And with little acknowledgement from him and without his usual support to my own health issues.

I am very tired. I woke up this morning with a prayer on my lips for those around me suffering and going through unpleasant things or considerable changes- my husband included. I didn't think to add myself to that list. I will do that next time.

Body Combat

I went to BODY COMBAT today.  I am not sure I want to be at combat with my body... however... I am finally on the upswing of a several day-- actually a week and half long-- headache.  I have had varying degrees of pain over the past week or so.  This morning I felt the pain was around a 2- and after I got up and got moving I felt I could totally handle it today.  So I went with my neighbor to a local class(first class was free).

We were punching our (imaginary) opponent across the ring.  I was trying to visualize what I was beating the crap out of.  The face of my friends soon to be cheating x-husband popped in my head.  That felt good.  Then my sweet husband's face who has become sick of my headache this time around also floated through my mind- except he still takes care of me even when he is tired of it so I sent his face on its way with very little assault.  So-- I imagined my pain. 

My pain didn't have a shape or a form-- but I was hitting it and punching it-- upper cuts and side swipes.  It felt good.  It felt good to move and sweat.  It felt good to beat this thing.

After the work-out I felt good.  I am cautious-- I am a bit shaky and my stomach still a bit tangled from the headache.  But otherwise I am feeling good.  The visualization was definitely a positive thing for me.  I look forward to running in the morning.  Maybe I can visualize my pain behind me and I can simply out-run it?