Not much to report.... Dealing with some thyroid issues... and high blood sugar(not pre-diabetes yet, but I have to watch my carbs). And I am not dealing with either of these things so well. I am trying to get a better sleep pattern. I am tracking my headaches and trying to have a better understanding of them so I can report more information to my doctor. But these things are hard to pay attention to. These things take another form of effort.
I am still trying to finish up classes for my degree, and I am not sure it is going to happen by the end of this term. I am so frustrated. But I put on brave face and tell those around me its OK because the end result is what matters. But what I don't tell them is how much it really hurts me to not achieve my goals when I originally set out to achieve them. I don't tell them how much I feel I have failed myself-- no one else, because honestly no one else cares-- but myself. What I don't tell them is that while I smile and say I am fine, I really am not and I am falling apart all over the place.
People tell me I am strong-- this is very dismissive. I am strong, but I still need support. When people tell me I am strong in the midst of my challenges, they are telling me I am doing great by myself and they move on. I am very independent and don't want a lot of help, but sometimes I just need someone to quietly stand next to me and help me stand for myself. I do know how to ask for help and I have been able to let a few people do so. But it hurts that so many people seem oblivious to the turmoil that feels so close to my surface these days.
Friday, November 27, 2015
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Adulting
It guess I gotta be an adult sometime. I have to figure out how to live my life in a way that will bring me joy and allow me to use my talents. I also have to figure out how to live my life so I can provide stability and nurturing to my littles. I have to be able to do that for my littles while I am figuring everything else out-- and that is a bit tricky.
If I had to pick my well-being or my children's, I would pick my children's. However, I know that my well-being contributes to my children's well-being. I can not deny myself what is good and important in my life. But, it is not just my journey anymore. I gave up my own personal journey when I decided to make another life with my then life-partner. The journey has changed, and there are more purposes in my life than just myself and my desires.
I feel like I have gotten bigger-- me and my brood take up more space. Its no longer me walking quietly down a hall. Its me and my group of mini-people walking animatedly and sometimes loudly down the hall. I am a momma duck with her ducklings following along-- they are getting older and go their own way, but I am still fortunate enough to pull them under my wings when I stop walking. (I was just thinking when I see a momma duck with her ducklings, I rarely look at her.. just her babies. I think its the same when I am around my kids-- they are so much fun to watch)
I get terrified of making a wrong choice, but then I look at my kids, I look at my goals, and I realize that while I am still not exactly sure how I will achieve those goals, I am going to get there. The end result will happen, and for that I am very content.
If I had to pick my well-being or my children's, I would pick my children's. However, I know that my well-being contributes to my children's well-being. I can not deny myself what is good and important in my life. But, it is not just my journey anymore. I gave up my own personal journey when I decided to make another life with my then life-partner. The journey has changed, and there are more purposes in my life than just myself and my desires.
I feel like I have gotten bigger-- me and my brood take up more space. Its no longer me walking quietly down a hall. Its me and my group of mini-people walking animatedly and sometimes loudly down the hall. I am a momma duck with her ducklings following along-- they are getting older and go their own way, but I am still fortunate enough to pull them under my wings when I stop walking. (I was just thinking when I see a momma duck with her ducklings, I rarely look at her.. just her babies. I think its the same when I am around my kids-- they are so much fun to watch)
I get terrified of making a wrong choice, but then I look at my kids, I look at my goals, and I realize that while I am still not exactly sure how I will achieve those goals, I am going to get there. The end result will happen, and for that I am very content.
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