Chronic Pain

One of my dearest friends was talking to me about some pain she has been in for weeks on end.  Her feet have been hurting her like no tomorrow-- this is one of my tri-athlon buddies-- so its been a tough pain for her.  She mentioned how she feels like she is a different person when in pain and she doesn't like it one bit.  We talked about her feelings and emotions as a result of her pain.  In our discussion she realized what it means when I say I suffer from chronic pain and headaches.  Since this time, she has been more supportive of my pain.  She asks me how I am and really wants and answer- even pushes for the truth when I don't feel like telling it. 

I have to say something felt good when she described her life being different from her pain.  Not just her life- but HER.  SHE was different and not in a good way.  Reminded me that this big bad person that is me when I have a headache is partly because of the headache- not just because I am a sad excuse for a person when I am in pain.

I also have to say it makes me nervous she knows me so much better now.  Having an "invisible illness" is comforting in the fact I can blow through things and do my thing and not have to explain myself.  But I also feel at a loss many times.  I have blogged at how alone I feel.   I have blogged how I am not truthful to those around me and how frustrated I get when those closest to me don't have as much compassion as I want them have, even though I may not share with them, or even know exactly what I need from them. 
There are times I feel like I live a double life.  I wonder if I am being deceptive when I go through the motions when on the inside there is so much pain and so much turmoil.  For example, my mom or a friend or a sister will call to check on me.  Maybe I will tell them I am not good.  They offer to help and while there are days I take them up on their offer, I usually say no.  I have learned to deal with this.  So, after I open up about being in pain, I then have to turn around and downplay it so not to worry my family about it.  I end up supporting those who are worried about me, who are only actually trying to help me.  Does that make any sense?  I actually opened up this week about a particularly bad headache and was touched by the outreach of support and well wishes(thank you facebook).  But once that day passed(the headache passed too, but came back a day later and has stayed with me for the past several days), I spoke of it no more.  No one knows that I encounter pain on a daily basis.  And really, there is nothing wrong with me medically speaking.  So what is the point of talking about it?

I am very frustrated tonight.  And in pain.  And can't sleep.