Apology?

So, with the adjustment to meds, I have been allowing myself to rest a bit more and be more vocal about how I am feeling.

My husband says to me: You have been having way more headaches than usual- maybe this medication isn't working at all. OK- I need time to adjust to the medication. It could be weeks to get it into my system before I start seeing the actual results. Overall I am starting to see improvement already.

However, I realized I had made a pact with myself months ago to simply not tell him about my headaches because after telling him I had a headache every day it became almost an annoyance to him. Hearing I have a headache is also saying: What else is new? And that kind of hurts my feelings. So to protect myself and avoid that kind of reaction I tried to only tell him about the bad ones.

I recently find myself apologizing to him for having a headache. This headache means I might not get the house cleaned up. It means I might run upstairs and rest after he gets home, or even turn dinner over to him. It means I might not join him in reading to the children before bed. He tells me he misses me. He tells me the kids miss me. Inside I am sad- I don't want to miss out on daily activities. I don't want to live in a disorganized home. I don't want my children to understand that some days Mommy just can't tolerate their normal every day noise and activity.

Why do I have to apologize? I feel even more alone when I apologize- and maybe he doesn't even want an apology, because he never tells me its OK. He just goes on and does what needs to be done(hmmm... maybe that is his way of accepting it). When he tells me the kids miss me and he misses me I feel like he is laying a guilt trip on me(which I don't think he is- he doesn't do that sort of thing). I feel worse than I already do. And I push myself through the pain.

I am bit frustrated. I don't have a headache today though- so that is good. I am just working through things in the only way I seem to know- in my writing. I am posting it because some day maybe my children will learn from my ramblings. Maybe there is someone in cyberspace that might stumble accross this and find comfort- but this post is really just for me. I think I do feel better after writing- what else is there to do but keep on going and creating my life to the best of my ability? Even if its not what I WANT- its my best, so it has to be OK. Because it is what it is.