End of term blues

Not much to report.... Dealing with some thyroid issues... and high blood sugar(not pre-diabetes yet, but I have to watch my carbs).  And I am not dealing with either of these things so well.  I am trying to get a better sleep pattern.  I am tracking my headaches and trying to have a better understanding of them so I can report more information to my doctor.  But these things are hard to pay attention to.  These things take another form of effort.

I am still trying to finish up classes for my degree, and I am not sure it is going to happen by the end of this term.  I am so frustrated.  But I put on brave face and tell those around me its OK because the end result is what matters.  But what I don't tell them is how much it really hurts me to not achieve my goals when I originally set out to achieve them.  I don't tell them how much I feel I have failed myself-- no one else, because honestly no one else cares-- but myself.  What I don't tell them is that while I smile and say I am fine, I really am not and I am falling apart all over the place. 

People tell me I am strong-- this is very dismissive.  I am strong, but I still need support.  When people tell me I am strong in the midst of my challenges, they are telling me I am doing great by myself and they move on.  I am very independent and don't want a lot of help, but sometimes I just need someone to quietly stand next to me and help me stand for myself.  I do know how to ask for help and I have been able to let a few people do so.  But it hurts that so many people seem oblivious to the turmoil that feels so close to my surface these days. 

Adulting

It guess I gotta be an adult sometime.  I have to figure out how to live my life in a way that will bring me joy and allow me to use my talents.  I also have to figure out how to live my life so I can provide stability and nurturing to my littles.  I have to be able to do that for my littles while I am figuring everything else out-- and that is a bit tricky.

If I had to pick my well-being or my children's, I would pick my children's.  However, I know that my well-being contributes to my children's well-being.  I can not deny myself what is good and important in my life.  But, it is not just my journey anymore.  I gave up my own personal journey when I decided to make another life with my then life-partner.  The journey has changed, and there are more purposes in my life than just myself and my desires. 

I feel like I have gotten bigger-- me and my brood take up more space.  Its no longer me walking quietly down a hall.  Its me and my group of mini-people walking animatedly and sometimes loudly down the hall.  I am a momma duck with her ducklings following along-- they are getting older and go their own way, but I am still fortunate enough to pull them under my wings when I stop walking. (I was just thinking when I see a momma duck with her ducklings, I rarely look at her.. just her babies.  I think its the same when I am around my kids-- they are so much fun to watch)

I get terrified of making a wrong choice, but then I look at my kids, I look at my goals, and I realize that while I am still not exactly sure how I will achieve those goals, I am going to get there.  The end result will happen, and for that I am very content.

Objectiveness during depression

I was really depressed the other night.  I deal with depression on and off, but something didn't feel right, and I wasn't happy about it.  I know what set me off, and it was a small issue that shouldn't have affected me that much, but the overall feeling of my demons haunting me jumped in and took over.  My demons told me I would just never be happy.  Those are words from a previous partner, someone who claimed to know me best, he told me I would never be happy in my life because I was always wanting more.  I want too much and dream too much, and it was just too hard for me to realize reality has other plans.  The demons almost had me convinced he was right.  I was really stressed out by this, but was determined to ride it out calmly and be very objective and see what was really going on in my mind. 

I get really bad migraines, as everyone who has ever read one of my posts knows, and I have been able to link them to, among other things, hormonal changes.  This depression was due to the same issue.  Hormones are a very powerful chemical the body creates and most of the time we don't notice them.  When we do notice them, it means they are really making us aware of them, and often times they have wrecked havoc on the person experiencing them. 

Understanding that my headaches and depression and hormones were all at play, I remained calm.  I felt the migraine come and go.  The depressed feelings I had, the feelings of unworthiness and lack of hope eventually went away, the pain of the headache did not for another day.  But the experience was interesting for me to view.  When I feel beaten down and unable to do more, its generally because I am tired, my pain has been relentless, and I have a skewed perspective of my support system around me.  Take away these things, and its very logical why I am feeling the way I am.  And it ALWAYS passes.  Always, of that I can be sure, even if the headache is going for days, I know it will come to an end eventually.  The depression always subsides, and I can feel worthy of my blessings and see my family, friends and support people in their true angelic forms. 

I know I am thankful for what I have today and everyday.  I know that what I have makes me happy.  I also know I have an incredible amount of ambition that pushes me to want more.  Its something I do need to keep in check, but its also something that ensures I am following the right path and am staying engaged in the world around me. 

The circumstances around me will never be perfect.  I won't get what I want.  And this can be hard and depending on my current state, can be hurtful for me to deal with.  But I know how to deal with it, and I have faith I can get through it.  I am thankful for this perspective and I am thankful for those around me that are patient with me, even when I am not at my best.

2 years!

I have been out on my own for two years now!  I moved into this little duplex with my kiddos the end of July 2013.  I have to say the time has flown by--  it has been amazing,challenging, growing, and so many different emotions wrapped up!

First off, my kids are amazing.  They are strong and understanding.  They share both an innocence and wisdom that helps me put things in perspective.  Most of all, they give me hope for the future and keep me going when I would rather take a break and stop for a while.  Their quiet encouragement simply from living with me is amazing.  I want to be a better person for myself, but my kids make me want to be a better person right now.  And I love them for it. 

I personally have overcome so many changes.... I have learned to kill, or trap and take outside, spiders and stink bugs and other insects that in the past made me freeze.  I mowed the lawn here for the first time in my life.  I pay all the bills, I make sure rent is on time, I make sure I somewhat follow the budget I have set up for myself.  My house isn't super orderly, but I get the garbage out weekly and manage to stay on top of chores, trying to teach and get my kids involved as I have the energy to do so.  I work part time, and I have almost finished my degree. I have to say, a lot has happened in the past two years, and I am proud.

So, for those who doubted me... question my parenting ability, said hurtful things about me, here I am.  I have made it this far, and I believe while I have challenges ahead, and am not doing a perfect job, I also believe I am doing pretty good.  I am going to keep doing what I am doing.

Coping with dissapointment

My last post I had actual words, right before I hit publish I somehow highlighted all the words and hit space and then lost them all.  I was in a rush to get out the door, so I published anyway.  So... perfection is not my thing. 

I have been reflecting on disappointment from people I deal with.  1- There are those who have disappointed me in the past and I have learned from those experiences and let go of those relationship.  2- There are those who have disappointed me in the past, but are a part of my life, so I heave to learn to keep the relationship, let go of the disappointment, and set my boundaries.  Then 3- there are those who disappoint me but I love them sooooo much I forgive almost instantly and forget and keep going like it never happened.

The last group of people are generally people I gave birth to.

The first group of people have become a memory that I can appreciate as a valuable life lesson.

The middle group of people is tricky.  I am not doing so well with them.  Maybe I am.  But I am finding there are people in my life that I love and have relationships with, who disappoint me and will likely not change.  Some of them I do not love, but am required to keep a relationship for them for the sake of others (Refer to the last group of people).  Most of the time I can simply deal with my disappointments, and move on.  But there are days when I really don't appreciate having to be strong and set these feelings aside.  There are days when I just want to give up and say: You are a toxic person to me and you have hurt me, and I don't want to deal with you anymore.  This gets more complicated when its a person who I need in my life.  A person I love and admire, but this person likely won't ever change, so my cycle of forgiving and forgetting and drawing up new boundaries starts over.  This can be dear friends and even family members.  I can't just send them out of my life.  Life doesn't work that way. So....  I deal, I cope, and I let things run their course, and I keep those I need in my life, or the lives of my loved ones, and I try to protect myself. 

Dissapointments

Graduation

On Saturday I walked in the School of Social Works Graduation Ceremony!  I decided not to walk in the big one PSU puts on-- there are over 5000 graduates this years.  Oldest one 77, youngest 16.  WOW!  I had the chance to see my sister in law graduate a number of years ago and it was a long ceremony.  I loved it-- but I also didn't want to subject my children to that, so when the shorter version was available, I decide that was a better for me and my family. 

And it was perfect.  For them.  For me.  We had two speakers from our faculty.  We had two student speakers.  They said exactly what I needed to hear.  I have worked hard to get here.  I got here thanks to the support of my family, friends, extended networks.  I also accomplished this on my own.  It is my achievement that no one can ever take away from me. 

I got the kids up, and two out of three of them were compliant.  The 11 year old didn't want to go.  She told me she has spent enough time supporting me and didn't feel it was necessary to go to the graduation ceremony.  I was very calm and told her she had 5 minutes, or she was going in her nightgown.  She ended up coming downstairs dressed in about 4.  Of course, there was no smile on her face, quite the opposite, but I was trying not to let her get me down. 

We drove into Portland and parked in my usual parking spot and walked over to the Stott building.  I left my family there and went over to Hoffman hall to meet up with the rest of the SSW and CFS graduates for pictures.  After pictures we went back to Stott and went into the downstairs gym and lined up, waiting for our turn to walk.

Before we walked Ben Anderson Nathe, the Child and Family Studies program director, told us that only 38% of American's have their Bachelors Degree.  He told us this to tell us, no one should tell us we need to go on and get our Masters Degree, because we are simply amazing for having achieved this.  Thinking about this made me tear up and I think I started feeling the magnitude of my accomplishment. 

As we filed into the main gym, walking to the graduation tune, families were on all sides of us and were cheering us on.  My arms had goosebumps and the hairs stood on end.  My stomach felt excited and I was feeling pure joy.  Again, tears in my eyes that I was here and experiencing this.  I looked over and saw my children looking at me, two out of three smiling at me, and my sweetheart Darren cheering me on.  It felt so good and happy.  I was thrilled.  I am thrilled.  I can do hard things.

I got this!

Its been a crazy term!  I took 16 credits and am determined to finish up my two "I"'s on my transcript!  Its a crazy amount of work, but I was lucky and had a few teachers I knew and was aware of their routines so I knew I could work it out.  I just have the last minute crunch getting everything done by Monday!  YIKES!

 

I also found out I can walk with my graduating class June 13th, even though I won't actually finish my degree until the end of FALL term.  It makes sense since they only walk once a year, and I would want to walk with the 2015 class.  I decided to go for it, even though it might feel funny coming back to campus afterwards to finish up.  But I need this-- I have worked really hard for this.  I can do it. 

 

The color for the school of social work is citron-- which leads me to my new motto:

when life gives you lemons, go work your booty off and get a degree. 

 

The down side is my mom is out of town.  Had I had more notice, my sisters could have come in for it.  My children and Darren will be there to cheer me on, and those are my important people, but I wish I could share this moment with more of the people who supported me.  But honestly, it feels like a testament to the process... it was my choice, my journey, my fight to succeed.  When I look at it that way, I don't mind celebrating with just my immediate family.  I did this for me and my children.  No one else.  It works out to be kind of a beautiful way to end it, with me and them.  I am happy. 

 

 

 

I still have work to do.  I couldn't have done it without all the love and support I was given.  So there may be more posts of anxious homework and finals coming.... but so much has been accomplished.  I got this!

 

Clinging to the future, while appreciating the present

 

This statement is exactly how I feel right now: 

Remember how far you've come not just how far you have to go. 

You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be.

 

Today I am literally clinging to my future, but appreciating my present.  I have come so far from where I was.  I left a long term relationship where I was not appreciated, heard, respected.  I can not go into details of that relationship, but there were aspect that were not OK and have damaged me very deeply.  However hurt, I am still able to co-parent with this person and focus on my priorities, our children, and make sure they are secure, happy and still able to one day become contributing members of society.

 

I moved out to my own place, have been supporting my children, going to school, working anywhere from 12-20 hours a week.  I have had support from so many wonderful people but my success is my triumph.  I am so grateful to be able to see how much I have done, how far I have come.  I've been able to look at past mistakes and try to not replicate them.  It isn't easy.  Ever, but its possible.

 

And yet, I still have so far to go.  I am confident I will get there, but I am also anxious to be there already.  I am excited for my future adventures and where they might take me.  But it still feels so far away!  I have to say I feel closer to the end point that I did last year, or two years ago.  I am not there yet.  

Mindful Me

I have decided to try really hard this term to be very mindful.

Mindful means being present in what I am doing--focusing on what it right in front of me. 

I think if I can be mindful, focus on my tasks, stop living in the past, stop worrying about the future, I will be more successful than I have been.