Mom Has A Headache

Weakness

2011-11-09T17:11:00.000-08:00

Adjustment better... hormones stable... life somewhat normal and I am feeling pretty OK. Almost like other people might feel, at least I think that might be the case.

However, last week was a very stressful week. Some good stress, more bad stress, some personal disappointment, and a lot of busy days made my life a little hectic. With the craziness I haven't been taking as good of care of myself as I should be, as I normally do. I have been a bit down. And I have woken with several really bad headaches.

Thankfully, these headaches didn't last all day as they would have, but I find myself watching me from the outside thinking: Is she really so weak that a few days of blues, or a few things of stress that ultimately she can not change will cause her to physically react? Why would my weakness manifest itself into pain in my head. Have I somehow directed it there?

I am not sure whats up with that. Its mostly a passing thought, but I am wonder how its all connected.

So whats my overall mood: So very thankful for my loving friends and family. Frustrated with several disappointments the past week brought, and worried about several family members and their current situations. And tired... very very tired. Still blue. But not in pain every day. Yay!

Oh Yawn....

2011-10-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

So, after a month of being on my new drug cocktail, I was quite encouraged. I noticed my pain not being nearly as intense as it had been, or as often. I had more energy and was able to accomplish more of the things I desire to accomplish each day. So, as usual, I started filling my weekly drug holder that gives me my daily pills in AM and PM format so I don't rely on my very poor memory to make sure I am taking all my meds. While doing so I realized I needed to get my prescriptions refilled. Except why do I have so many of my newest drug left. I re-read the label and realized I had only been taking half of the directed dose. Oops. Here is what came to mind:

Yay! Only half of what the doc wanted me to take helped me considerably! Maybe I don't need it all. (I am not sure why I am so embarrassed by the amount of meds I am taking)
I wonder..... if I take the full dose if I will feel even better?

And then:

Ugh, if I up the dosage then I will have another week or so of adjustment.

I decided to up the dose to the prescribed amount. It felt like the adjustment took a bit longer this time around. And lately I have had daily headaches and general overall lack of motivation to get things done and take care of myself, which is a contrast to those few weeks when I was feeling really good. Of course I have my typical hormonal changes that wreck havoc to my system, so I am sure in another week life will be better again. I am not sure what is going on. It just feels like a set back. I don't like it.

What a difference

2011-09-28T17:15:00.000-07:00

My life has changed incredibly.

The new meds took a week or so to adjust. I am here, 4 weeks almost later, with a whole new drug regime and I actually feel like a contributing member of society. At least I don't feel like such a failure around my home to my husband and children.

Its an odd feeling to go to bed at night and realize I don't have pain. Its an odd thing to have the energy to pick up the kids, get dinner started, pick up around the house, help the kids with homework, and have them help set the table so by the time darling husband is home we are the picture of perfection getting dinner on the table. OK, not quite picture of perfection. BUT, I feel vindicated to some degree that no, I was not in fact lazy, depressed, faking it, or all those other hurtful things certain people said of me. It was actually my pain.

I still have headaches several times a week. I have a new rescue med that seems to help a bit more. To say I am able to pay more attention to signals is the truth. When one headache lead into another, or a headache lasted days or weeks, to find a trigger or a signal was just about impossible. I am treating myself gingerly and paying close attention to the ringing in my ears, to the irritability I express shortly before a headache, and of course I can expect a headache depending on the time of month with more certainty than ever. Now that I can feel a headache coming on, OTC meds are more helpful since I can take it before everything goes crazy.

I am not better. I am not healed. But right now life is so different for me. I don't like being on this much medication. I do plan on asking to wean off or mess with dosages in a few months, but for now I am appreciating what a normal life seems to be. And I like it!

Here we go!

2011-09-08T02:23:00.000-07:00

Went in to the Doc today... and came home with several new meds. I am actually hopeful these might do the trick and help me a bit. However, in the back of my mind is skepticism. I am choosing not to listen to that for now.

Kids started school and we are starting to get a normal routine. This also gives me hope.

My big girl was up with a bad dream, which woke up the other two. Husband has an early morning meeting so I spent a good hour getting everyone calm and back to sleep. And now, I am wide awake! I have several things to do tommorrow, so I am hoping my crazy night tonight won't make it too hard for me.

But its nice to feel hopeful anyway.

ugh

2011-08-30T13:36:00.000-07:00

I am so down today. I am very tired and blue. I will see my doctor next week- I couldn't bear to make arrangements on the last week of summer farming the kiddos out. But I am just not feeling well and so tired of not feeling well. I want to just feel better right now. Or as my two year old often yells at me: right this minute! We are working on being kind in our home....

I have some fun creative plans that involve fruit- so I plan on working through my blues with colors of peach. That will help, I am sure of it!

Didn't Wait

2011-08-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

After a very bad weekend following a really bad week and then heading into another rotten week, I decided not to wait. I called the doc and adjusted some meds with an appointment to go in and see her in about a month. I just did it. No humming or hawwing. No cold feet. I called.

These headaches are controlling my life. I am sure life will get better as routines and schedules normalize, but its not fair to my family for me to wait. Its not fair to me to wait. I am trying to be a better wife and mother. This hopefully will help me.

waiting for schedules....

2011-08-17T13:11:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since I have posted. I have considered deleting this blog-- or just making it private to only my eyes. Haven't decided its future.

Its been a tough summer for me physically. Not too bad considering the cooler temps we have had here in the Portland Area- only a few days over 80, while there are people DIEING from heat in the rest of the nation. We still pack and carry around our hoodie's just in case. Only in Oregon I guess. But I haven't been well. I am sick of it. The kids are ready for school to start, but Oregon starts the day after Labor Day-- this is to accommodate all the farming folk. I say that a roll my eyes a bit...

I haven't been able to get my exercise in. I am not exercising, so I don't feel well. I don't feel well, so I don't exercise. What a conflict. I have an amazing exercise group that I join three days a week right after I drop the kiddo's off at school. The toddler gets to play with the other kids and us Mom's keep an eye out on the group as they go from one end of the church gym to the other(usually in a herd-like fashion). For whatever reason I haven't been able to get my booty over there this summer. I am definitely up and at 'em at 8:30 AM, but not able to get out the door. I have gone running a few times, and I have found running in the morning is much more pleasant than running in the evening. Problem is I don't feel so good in the morning(because i haven't been exercising perhaps), and unless I have a buddy I am meeting up with, I can't seem to make myself go on my own. Lame. I know.

So, while I want to run into the doc, I am hesitant. I know come September schedules will be back to normal. It will be busy with a boy in soccer, a girl in scouts and dance, and my ever busy toddler, hopefully in a dance or swim class herself. BUT, I will have more structure to my time and will be able to count on several actions that will help me out. I will hold on until then. So... until then.... wish me luck!

being a caregiver

2011-06-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

I am not well today. Headache of course.. stomach issues... nausea... widespread body pain. I am trying to lay low, but there is just too much going on. Mostly too much going on in my brain. Thankfully we do not have to be anywhere this morning, so even though I am not sleeping, I am not doing anything too extraneous.

My husband has Type 2 diabetes for a few years now. While its been under control, he hasn't been very good at monitoring it and recently it has spun out of control and we have been dealing with trying to pull it back in. Its a wake up call, but he has a lot of (mental?) issues in dealing with this disease. I am not sure he ever got out of the denial stage people go through when they learn of something big in their life. I am not sure if he is just in denial still, or if its arrogance, thinking he can over come problems with minimal effort, or a bit of laziness, not wanting to deal with it, so he doesn't. Whatever the reason, I am laying in bed at night wondering what is going on in his blood stream.

Last week included a trip to the ER because of high blood sugars. I watched them care for him, lecture him, and ultimately send him back home to take care of himself. I then watched as he did only a few things he was supposed to. So, I decided this week his apprehension for whatever reason had to stop. I took charge, called his doctor, who was out on vacation through next week. Since his doctors on-call doctors were not sure if his situation was emergency enough for a call-back, I got him into my doctor. We were both pleased with our visit with her and I appreciate again the time she takes in discussing health issues. It helps she specializes in diabetes prevention and treatment.

I am walking a fine line with my husband that I HATE. I don't want to be a nag. I do not want to be his mother. But we have too much riding on his health for me to step back and say: 'Its your life.' Its not just his life. Its our life. Its the life our children. He won't simply drop dead from this disease, he will have complications that will cause our family considerable stress for years to come.

In the meanwhile I am suffering my usual headaches and not getting my usual support from him. And I don't blame him- he should be focused on himself. He won't put his concerns into words and has shut down(He can't seem to talk about his feelings), but its obvious he is worried and very self-focused. His shutting down and not talking to me only escalates my concerns. I am filling my usual rolls and Mom and Wife. I am also having to step up to take better care of him. And with little acknowledgement from him and without his usual support to my own health issues.

I am very tired. I woke up this morning with a prayer on my lips for those around me suffering and going through unpleasant things or considerable changes- my husband included. I didn't think to add myself to that list. I will do that next time.

Body Combat

2011-06-09T13:05:00.000-07:00

I went to BODY COMBAT today. I am not sure I want to be at combat with my body... however... I am finally on the upswing of a several day-- actually a week and half long-- headache. I have had varying degrees of pain over the past week or so. This morning I felt the pain was around a 2- and after I got up and got moving I felt I could totally handle it today. So I went with my neighbor to a local class(first class was free).

We were punching our (imaginary) opponent across the ring. I was trying to visualize what I was beating the crap out of. The face of my friends soon to be cheating x-husband popped in my head. That felt good. Then my sweet husband's face who has become sick of my headache this time around also floated through my mind- except he still takes care of me even when he is tired of it so I sent his face on its way with very little assault. So-- I imagined my pain.

My pain didn't have a shape or a form-- but I was hitting it and punching it-- upper cuts and side swipes. It felt good. It felt good to move and sweat. It felt good to beat this thing.

After the work-out I felt good. I am cautious-- I am a bit shaky and my stomach still a bit tangled from the headache. But otherwise I am feeling good. The visualization was definitely a positive thing for me. I look forward to running in the morning. Maybe I can visualize my pain behind me and I can simply out-run it?

Waking up is hard to do!

2011-05-12T07:22:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wake up feeling amazing? Do you wake up ready to take on the world? Energy coursing through your veins? A spring in your step?

Sigh.... I wish I did.

Every morning I wake up in pain. Once I get up and going it usually goes away. When I was younger I would simply stay in bed. When I got older and responsibilities wouldn't allow that behavior I pushed through it.

But I am tired of it. I am tired of the daily pain. I am tired of the fight every single morning. I keep wondering why-- why is this test here for me? What am I learning from this that will make me a better person? Why is this my challenge? Ugh....

At least I have a sweet husband who will run downstairs and get me medication when I wake up. He also will get the children fed while I am getting ready so my job of getting them out the door to school is that much easier. I really have so much... so I guess this pity party is over.

It was good while it lasted

2011-05-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

So, I was very fortunate to go on a vacation last week with my best girl friend. My husband appeared to be super supportive and we had help from his lovely mother with the kids and I was able to enjoy my time away from them and my time with good friends and new experiences.

I really miss travelling. My biggest regret in life is that I didn't travel more before children. Of course, we can still travel with kids, but money is a big factor and different destinations are needed for this phase of our lives.

Anyway- I was able to spend much time every day in meditation and relaxation. I was able to listen to my body and focus on my physical needs. I was able to take preventative medication and stay on top of my headaches so that for the most part I didn't have them.... or was able to get rid of them quite quickly. The uninterrupted sleep helped me, I am sure. The non-demands of children needs, husband needs, home needs helped me too. I felt truly relaxed and calm and enjoyed each moment as it happened.

I talked to my kids each day. My boy needed a song every night. I missed them and planned what we would do on our next visit(My brother-in-law lives there, so its likely we will visit again). Coming home was an enjoyable experience to be reunited with my babies. I jumped right into the fire as the Teacher Appreciation Coordinator for the week and have been busy at the kids school.

I haven't had the same amount of time to meditate or relax. I haven't had the same care-free ability I had on vacation. I haven't been able to truly listen to my body. My headaches have been back. I am focusing on the positives and while the pain is still extreme, I am trying to capture that same care-free attitude I had on vacation. Its OK if things don't go according to plan. Its OK if things aren't perfect, or even close to perfect. I need to be making good memories and be enjoying every moment at hand. The pain - free days were good while they lasted, but I can keep my attitude in check and make an effort to enjoy all my days.

Sliding

2011-04-10T21:09:00.000-07:00

I've been letting things slide-- and its not OK. Not really I don't think.

I am not sleeping as well- my routine I was trying to follow so perfectly fell by the wayside.
I am not communicating as well with my husband- my old fears of inadequacy and shame for the way I feel keep me from being truthful.
I've been sincerely trying to give myself an easier time with my limitations, however, this past week I have felt insecure about how these limitations are affecting my husband, my babies, my relationships. That insecurity causes stress, which doesn't help with the sleep or the communication aspect. I've pulled in and isolated myself a bit.

Its all a big circle. I have to keep reminding myself as I go through my cycle of pain: the ups(no pain, or less pain), and the downs(painful days when its hard to keep my head above water), that I am OK.

The night my pain started up this past week I knew it would be a long one and prepared myself mentally. Or I tried to anyway. I took note of what I was feeling.
I told my husband I feel trapped.
I feel trapped in this body.
I feel trapped in this pain.
Does it really matter what I do or how I cope?
These headaches are part of my life. I just have to deal with then- they are part of who I am. The limitations are simply just there. I often refuse to let them slow me down too much, so this week I have tried to keep up the exercising and my usual pace of life. I wasn't as forthcoming to friends and family with my pain this week. Honestly, it wasn't as bad as last months, however it was bad. I was just tired of hearing myself complain. And that was OK to ignore it- I almost felt normal when with people.
And thankfully circumstances allowed me to take it easy to some degree.

Friday was a perfect day weather wise. I am pretty sure I had a headache, but as I think back on that afternoon, I remember sitting on the front porch while the kids played on bikes and with sidewalk chalk and our picnic basket. I pulled my pants up above my knees and took off my shoes. I closed my eyes and faced the sun. The sun baked my skin, but before I could get too hot, a gentle breeze would cool me down and I felt at peace. I became aware of the stillness inside myself as I felt physical comfort and enjoyed the sounds of my children. It doesn't matter today wether or not I had a headache, it only matters I felt the peace in that moment and can close my eyes and remember back on it. That is a blessing I am so grateful for.

The Journey Continues

2011-03-25T09:43:00.000-07:00

So, yes, life is getting better for me headache wise.

I say this, because its been a week since my week-long headache that made me sicker than sick and almost useless. It was so bad I went into the doctor again to see what she could do(plus I needed to discuss some of my new meds she put me on). She didn't give me the answer I wanted, but the answer she gave me is one I haven't tried. So I will try that before I poo-poo it.

I am amused at several of my dear friends who when they ask me how I am feeling, and I answer good, they then ask me if I am lieing. Apparently more of them read my blog than I realize. Ha! Those of you who ask me the second question are the ones I would be honest with in the first place. I appreciate and love you. Thank you for being you.

I am also amused at so many other people in my life, who definitely care about me and have heard me say my headaches are improving, who assume I am 'cured'.

There is no cure to migraine and chronic headache. I still experience a headache almost every day of my life. I am coping better, I am treating the headaches and pain better, and communicating my needs better with my loved ones(mainly my husband a few close friends). I am not judging myself as harshly as I did before for not getting things done or living life the way I think I should live it.

I am grateful to be in the position I am in now. I appreciate my pain free moments so very much. I appreciate my husband and all he does for me. I appreciate my children and their love and compassion for me. I appreciate my friends who are simply there for me and are genuinely happy for my pain free moments as well.

I know I am not out of pain completely. I know I have days that are very difficult to endure. But I am grateful for what I do have. My journey continues, but its not without hope and its not without the love of those who have proven their love to me.

3 Minute Breathing Space

2011-03-09T08:09:00.000-08:00

1. Awareness

Bring yourself into the present moment by deliberately adopting an erect and dignified posture. If possible, close your eyes then ask: "What is my experience right now...in thoughts...in feelings... and in bodily sensations?" Acknowledge and register your experience, even if it is unwanted.

2. Gathering

Then, gently redirect full attention to breathing, to each in breath and to each out breath as they follow, one after the other. Your breath can function as an anchor to bring you into the present and help you tun into a state of awareness and stillness.

3. Expanding

Expand the field of your awareness around your breathing, so that it includes a sense of the body as a whole, your posture, and facial expression. The breathing space provides a way to step out of automatic pilot mode and reconnect with the present moment. The key skill in using mindfulness is to maintain awareness in the moment. Nothing else.

Some Links

2011-03-04T18:23:00.000-08:00

I have a headache tonight-- its my typical PMS headache that will likely last for 3-5 days. But I am expecting it and will try to treat it well, and take notes so I can go back to the Doctor next week and find out what she can do for these specific hormonal headaches. My sweet husband took all three kids to the kids school to see a movie. I was surprised he offered to take all three- the baby is now two and quite the the wild card. I hope they don't come home early.

Here area few links I am subscribed to and am learning a lot from. I am getting news and updates, as well as other people who are like me(migraine sufferers) who have been able to put their voice out there and bring comfort:

http://migraine.com/
http://migraine-ista.blogspot.com/
http://somebodyhealme.dianalee.net/

What is this I'm feeling?

2011-02-11T21:42:00.000-08:00

I AM FEELING GOOD!

I promised myself today that I would take a few moments to blog about something positive. I so often get on here and throw pity partys and work through my frustrations with my writing- but today I FEEL GOOD! I need to write it down! I need to shout it out to the online world!

I feel my adjustments to medications is complete. I haven't forgotten to take them and I am seeing a definite benefit to taking them.

I started running with a group of ladies this week. We each take a day to watch each others kids, so I watch 1 day, and run 4 days. I actually skipped today because of my to-do list. This takes place in the morning so my nights sleep won't be affected. I think the consistent exercise, along with being outdoors(I usually exercise inside, but being outside is just so much better for me) really helped me a lot this week. Plus it wasn't rainy this week. Yay PNW!

Last night I went to sleep with no help from sleep aids or anything. I was asleep before 11. I slept through the night(big thank you to the baby for sleeping through the night- another yay!) and woke up at 5:30 to use the bathroom. I thought in my head: Wow, I feel OK. I could actually get dressed and get my shoes on and go for a jog. But I didn't. I went back to sleep until 6:30 when baby got up.

I did a million and one things this morning. Baby and I had a lunch date with my husband. She actually took a nap this afternoon and I was able to do a few productive things around the house.

No headache. No major pain. I FEEL GOOD! It is quite an exciting thing. I had several really bad, but short, headaches this week, so to have a day and half(I felt pretty good yesterday too) feeling good is just such a charge. I actually feel a thrill to feel so normal.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I don't know when my next pain-free day will be. But I have had one. I can have another. I can't forget this exciting feeling. WOOT!

Chronic Pain

2011-02-06T21:06:00.000-08:00

One of my dearest friends was talking to me about some pain she has been in for weeks on end. Her feet have been hurting her like no tomorrow-- this is one of my tri-athlon buddies-- so its been a tough pain for her. She mentioned how she feels like she is a different person when in pain and she doesn't like it one bit. We talked about her feelings and emotions as a result of her pain. In our discussion she realized what it means when I say I suffer from chronic pain and headaches.  Since this time, she has been more supportive of my pain. She asks me how I am and really wants and answer- even pushes for the truth when I don't feel like telling it.

I have to say something felt good when she described her life being different from her pain. Not just her life- but HER. SHE was different and not in a good way.  Reminded me that this big bad person that is me when I have a headache is partly because of the headache- not just because I am a sad excuse for a person when I am in pain.

I also have to say it makes me nervous she knows me so much better now. Having an "invisible illness" is comforting in the fact I can blow through things and do my thing and not have to explain myself. But I also feel at a loss many times. I have blogged at how alone I feel.   I have blogged how I am not truthful to those around me and how frustrated I get when those closest to me don't have as much compassion as I want them have, even though I may not share with them, or even know exactly what I need from them.
There are times I feel like I live a double life. I wonder if I am being deceptive when I go through the motions when on the inside there is so much pain and so much turmoil. For example, my mom or a friend or a sister will call to check on me. Maybe I will tell them I am not good. They offer to help and while there are days I take them up on their offer, I usually say no. I have learned to deal with this. So, after I open up about being in pain, I then have to turn around and downplay it so not to worry my family about it. I end up supporting those who are worried about me, who are only actually trying to help me. Does that make any sense? I actually opened up this week about a particularly bad headache and was touched by the outreach of support and well wishes(thank you facebook). But once that day passed(the headache passed too, but came back a day later and has stayed with me for the past several days), I spoke of it no more.  No one knows that I encounter pain on a daily basis. And really, there is nothing wrong with me medically speaking. So what is the point of talking about it?

I am very frustrated tonight. And in pain. And can't sleep.

The Nausea

2011-02-04T16:23:00.000-08:00

Lately the nausea has been really hard for me to deal with. It was never easy, but recently- like in the last several months- its been very strong, very noticeable, and seems to touch every part of my life. I think I was dealing with the pain and able to go around it to get things done... now the nausea wants to make sure I don't go too far or get too much done. I can't leave my house for long. I don't feel comfortable with face-to-face conversations in fear I might just puke on the side. I am naturally anti-social with my pain.. and now I have even more reason to be so. I am not happy with this development.

Blah....

Always needing sleep

2011-02-02T15:59:00.000-08:00

I hate bedtime. My bedtime. I love that my children have a routine and while they have their ways of dragging it out or prolonging it, it works for the most part. I do not have a routine I can count on. I dread the nighttime hours because going to sleep is especially difficult for me. I remember this being the case as a very young child. I would creep downstairs hoping to catch my Dad in a friendly mood so he would entertain me for a few minutes rather than shoo me right back up to bed. Those were actually fond memories- and it isn't until now I realize those were nights like the ones I have now- hard to go to sleep.

Talking to my doctor about my issue of insomnia, especially during pain, came up at a recent appointment. We discussed some relief for that, which includes adjusting some meds around and will probably have a week or two of adjustment which means I won't be feeling at my best, but the goal in mind is worth it.

We talked about sleep and the things she told me are things I know. Its things I have learned through having and helping my own children getting on a good sleeping schedule:

Make the room a room for sleeping. Our minds need to be trained that our bedroom is a room for one activity(or two for adults). Not playing, watching TV, even reading in bed. If, when trying to go to sleep, you can't. Get up and leave the room and do something that does not include computer, TV, or other monitor/electronic light.
Keep your schedule consistent. Go to bed and wake up at the same time each day. If you go to bed late, get up at the same time. My children are amazing with this rule. My boy gets up within a half an hour each day.
Keep the noise down before bed. Make your room dark and cool.
Establish a specific routine for bed- cues that its time for bed.
When you wake up in the morning, get the lights on quickly- this will help you wake up.
Do your exercise in the morning. I am not sure about this one, but I figure if I am getting the rest I really need, I might feel up to it. At this point I am so tired upon waking up thinking about exercising is insane. I reserve my exercise for my "me" time at the end of the day. I need to change this around.
Do not nap no matter what. This is, of course, for adults and not children.

So, nothing new learned here. And even though "doctors orders" are generally easier for me to follow, I still have trouble. Here is what I finding out with my new rules
1- my room is probably the least kid friendly room in the house, so I choose to be in this room when not on duty as mom- so only using it for sleep doesn't happen. 2- I have been trying really hard to keep my schedule consistent and I can see its benefits. 3- Once the kids are down, its a pretty easy to keep things quiet and calm. 4- As far as a bedtime routine- I haven't really started this yet, except I am reading more before bed(vs. watching TV and this is helpful). 5- Turning the lights on quickly in the morning is helpful. 6 I am not able to exercise in the morning yet, so I've been exercising mid-day and it hasn't interfered with sleep. I did a quick exercise routine the other night at about 7:30 PM and was up until after 1- it had to be the exercise. 7- I haven't napped as much since I started this, but I generally lay down with the baby and am tempted to nod off with her at her nap time. I am working on NOT letting this happen.

I still don't love bedtime- but I don't dread it like before. I find if I am having trouble going to sleep I will get out of bed, go downstairs and have a snack. I am usually able to go back up to bed and fall asleep. This is in contrast to when I would turn on the TV, or go on the computer and then try to go to sleep-- it was pretty hard to do so. I am limiting my time on the computer and in front of the TV in the evening hours. This means I don't watch much TV at all anymore. And I am realizing I did a whole lot of nothing on the computer anyway(except writing, which I just do when I feel like anyway).

I often wonder though how common going-to-sleep issues are? And upon waking I always feel like I need more rest- no matter how much I just had. Is this normal? I don't know. Whats normal anyway? But overall there has been improvement and I assume there will only be more as I continue following my rules.

Realization

2011-01-07T21:04:00.000-08:00

When I was pregnant with my first child, and suffering from migraine attacks, I worried and cried about what I was possibly handing down to another generation. I laid in my bed wondering what pain I inflicted on this child by giving her my DNA. I worried a little less with my second pregnancy. By my third pregnancy I didn't think too much about it. What was I going to do anyway? Having children was my lifelong dream. Besides, I was so fertile according to my doctor I had dodged many bullets- so the option to NOT have children was not really an option.

My son is now 6 years old. He gets headaches once in a while. I have noticed twice him having symptoms of migraines. When he complains of a headache I listen and believe him. My oldest hasn't complained of any. Of course the baby(almost two) seems only capable of causing them at the moment.

Starting yesterday I felt the familiar cycle start to rev up for a week-long headache experience. Now that I do not seem to have one long continuous headache and can see the start and ending of them, thanks to a daily medication, I am able to notice and pin-point different things I never noticed before. I am finding a pattern to my headache series. Yesterday I noticed a trigger and some specific changes. Today was rough and the pain did indeed come as I suspected it would.

This afternoon I received a call from little mans school nurse. He was playing rough on the playground and recess and fell and bumped his head pretty bad and broke his glasses. At the time my head was throbbing, but there is nothing like a little motherly-duty to put pain in the backseat, and I rescued my little man. He has a horrible goose egg, some nasty scratches, and glasses his daddy was completely able to fix(thank goodness!). He also had a headache. Being a normal boy, I know the drill with bumps to the head and watched him and babied him according to need, and then a little more.

At bedtime my whole family snuggled in my bed and did our reading(which is a wonderful experience I cherish), and when it was time to go to bed my boy started crying. No body loves me, he said. Of course this isn't true and I proceeded to tell him everyone in the world who loved him. Both of his sisters joined in(the baby even started counting on her fingers and telling him names in baby language).

Then I realized he feels how I feel when I am in pain. Unloved. Hurt. Alone. I realized these feelings of hopelessness and fear are a result of his pain. My pain too. I realized through my boy that this is simply one more aspect of the headache that causes pain. My heart breaks that my boy is hurting. I would never wish this on anyone and would take it way from my children if I possibly could. But, it took him to show me that realization.

Realization for me is big- this feels huge to me. I am not sure why.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas-- here is to hoping the joyous festivities will not result in a headache and days in bed suffering.

December was a very good month for me headache wise-only a handful of headaches- only one or two which caused my life to stop while I recovered- which was good considering several deaths in our family and a lot of disruptions to routines. Spending the 22nd and 23rd and a memorial and then a funeral for dear family members lost(one from my husbands side, one from mine) helped me to avoid the anxiety I usually feel this time of year. I was able to relax, enjoy what was going on directly around me, and reflect on what is most important. So many blessings. So much love. While I feel I am a very grateful person, I enjoy taking time to reflect even more on all that I have.

Merry Christmas to you and yours... here is to hoping for a happy and healthy 2011.

Another post about weather

2010-12-15T07:58:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite headache blogs talked about the weather being a trigger today-- the day after I posted my weather thingee. Very interesting reading... if your into this sorta thing:

http://somebodyhealme.dianalee.net/2010/12/is-weather-migraine-trigger.html

Accuweather

2010-12-13T22:06:00.000-08:00

I found this totally cool migraine headache forecast website. So far, my headaches have agreed for the most part as I have not suffered severely for a while. Well at least for a few weeks. My hormones, as usual, are messing with me, but knowing the cause is helpful in dealing with them.

http://www.accuweather.com/us/or/portland/97201/health-aches-pains.asp

My PT appointments were hopeful, except I found out after two appointments I need to exhaust my $2000 deductible before insurance kicks in and covers 70%. Since this year was not kind to us in regards to health care expenses, I will be doing what I can on my own and our credit card bill will go up the cost of these two appointments. I hope to be able to run again some day-- as in April when I plan to participate in my first sprint triathlon.

Physical Therapy

2010-11-22T12:57:00.000-08:00

Medicating teenagers is a tricky thing. Back when I was a teen my first doctor we went to with my headache concerns was very reluctant to medicate me. The second doctor was fine medicating me and instead of listening to me that the medication was giving me no relief, he just upped the dosage causing me more reaction from the meds than the headaches. It was a yucky time to be me.

My first doctor however sent me to do some physical therapy, hoping the problem was in muscles and training of my neck. This was my first stab at trying something different to help my headaches. I worked on machines, practiced different exercises, I think they used electro therapeutic point stimulation, tried relaxation techniques(similar to what I used during bio-feedback, but this therapy took place several years before bio-feedback). It was a start- and a good place to start at that. I learned a lot about my body and its reactions to different things- such as why physical support is important(always travel with a pillow) and why its important to get up and move if I have been sitting around for a while.

I am about to go in to physical therapy for the second time in my life for a problem I am having with my hip. I am interested in seeing what they can do for me and while I am not skeptical, I am cautious with allowing myself to feel hope. Starting down this path again, even though its for a different issue, just reminded me of all those afternoons spent in the basement of the hospital when my hope was at its highest not having any idea 20+ years later I would still be dealing with headache pain.

Its OK to lie

2010-11-18T12:25:00.000-08:00

Its OK to lie- that is what I tell myself anyway.

How are you? "Fine." "OK." "Oh, you know."

These answers are all lies. I am not fine. I am not OK. You couldn't possibly know.

I might even answer: "Its been a rough day." or "Not feeling so good." But these are lies too. Its more than that.

I have had some positive things happen lately. I am on a good track for my health. But today I am in extreme pain and feeling very low. I am on day 5 of intense pain. I am feeling lonely. No one checks on me. I am throwing myself a pity party. And eating chocolate. Wishing I could just spend an entire day in bed and in peace and quiet. That is not in the cards, so I am going through the motions even though it is excruciating to do so. And I lie about that too. I will never admit to anyone how hard it really is to live a "normal" life.

Of course no one checks on me. I should feel lonely. I lie. I am not comfortable talking about my pain. Not to those closest to me. Not to those I trust or who love me. Not even to paid professionals.

So, my walls are up pretty high. I think this time I will leave them up for a while and just wait to see who breaks them down. I am going to lie again and say I don't care if nobody does.

Doctor Visit

2010-11-04T08:40:00.000-07:00

Its funny how when I seem to go to the doctor its usually not for my headaches. I go in for some other reason and then use that time to ask her a question or two. I wonder why I can't just face the fact that these headaches are real and consuming and deserve an appointment all their own.

I had an experience recently of someone discounting my headaches because I can live my life with them. I don't always collapse in my bed and disappear- I usually push through the pain, nausea, discomfort. I call this my strength, but maybe its stupidity. During a headache I am usually a bear to deal with but it is normally just my family who sees it. I can fake it for the rest of the world- shield them from the monster this chronic pain creates. Seriously, who really wants to know how I am really doing when they ask: hey, how are you?

Anyway- heading into the doctor today for a different issue other than headaches- a pain issue- but hopefully she can send me in the right direction to get this other issue fixed. I will talk to her about my headache issues and maybe get a couple of adjustments made.

I simply need to be more assertive in this area of my life and I am sincerely wondering why I am not. I would be assertive about it if it were my children, my husband, my parents. Do I not place enough value on myself? Or is it due to habit? Fear? Laziness? All of the above? Maybe its something else I haven't come up with yet but at least I have identified something needs to change. Now its the fun part- changing it.

Stress Relief

2010-10-29T09:35:00.000-07:00

A big stressor in my life was just lifted from my shoulders this past week. Our so sweet 20 month old had surgery on her kidney on Monday. I am looking forward to my new life with a child with a healthy kidney. A life where a small fever will not set off panic alarms and buttons in my head. A life where the thought of surgery created knot after knot and the constant churn of nausea in my tummy. She did just about as good as a baby can do and I am well pleased. I am so grateful to have this experience behind us. I know stress is a big factor to my headaches and I am interested to see how they change with this stress off my list.

Relaxation

2010-10-15T06:33:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been trying to help my kids go to sleep. Big Girl has troubles falling asleep like her mom. Thankfully its not due to pain, its just because her mind runs a mile a minute and its hard to calm it down. Little Man is pretty good about falling asleep, but he has his nights when he is restless. They sleep in the same room, so they can antagonize each other too.

I have resorted to using a relaxation technique where they hold muscles tight for a few seconds release. I ask them to visualize the tension leaving their body. This was a technique I learned when I was a little older then them. It seems quite effective and only once or twice have they not settled completely down as a result.

When I was in High School I tried Bio-Feedback where different muscle groups were attached to sensors and I would "hear" if the tension was present or not. The idea was I could train myself to relax. I remember many times laying there wondering why I would still feel so much pain if I was making those machines completely silent. As a teenager, I wanted immediate results. However as an adult I wonder if that relaxation allows for a nights rest which in turn will allow for less pain the next day, or after several nights rests allow for less pain over the next week. I don't actively go through my muscle groups and tense and release them and I am training my children. However I do relax and meditate, even in severe pain, because honestly, I what else can I do?

Log

2010-10-04T20:08:00.000-07:00

This past week was a pretty good week as far as headaches go. I was pretty sore and tired after the triathlon, but the high seemed to get me out of my rut. That or the hormones finally leveled out. Today was good too. Last night I went to be pretty late- around 1:30. Had crazy but good dreams(the kind you just don't want to wake up from) of long lost friend until the baby woke me around 3 and wouldn't go back to bed until 4. This resulted in a grumpy mom at 7, and my poor kids put up with me. I snapped out of the grumps and layed low. I was even somewhat productive in my daily work. Started a new course of scripture study for personal growth. Cleaned up awesomely. Had dinner ready for my family even though I ran out to go give blood as soon as husband got home from work.

I think I am ready to report to my doctor and realize I don't have a lot to tell her except a general overall impression of how I am feeling and a general impression of progress I can't really back up. I need to start again on my headache log. I have been reading up on several headache blogs the importance of communication to the docs and how valuable this sort of tool is in this communication. I have tried to keep logs over my decades of suffering, however I am always unable to keep it going. I have always tried to make my logs very detailed- I might just resort to a five minute recall at the end of the day and any general ideas as to why or why not I endured pain. I need to do this.

Another Triathlon

2010-09-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

I am copying and pasting a portion of this from my personal blog- but I just completed my third sprint triathlon. I never thought I could do something so physically challenging in my life. Not just because of my headaches, but because I am just not the kind of person who is into exercise.

Last week was a tough one- Severe headaches and nausea every single day. Extreme throbbing and pain that I just had to push through because I had commitments I didn't want to miss(I was excited and honored to be asked by my 16 year old nephew to tutor him in french- I felt horrible, but HAD TO SAY YES! And even though I hurt, it felt good to be with my boy.). I went for a simple walk on Friday with the baby and I felt winded. I was in so much pain- I simply wondered how in the world was I going to manage the tri-athlon the very next day. The pain wouldn't go away. But I refused to panic and realized if I felt horrible I would deal with it then. Here is what I came up with:

I have found that even though I may be carrying around extra weight and don't look or feel how I want to, that I am still capable of setting physical goals and achieving them. I have found that despite any physical pain I am in, I am able to focus and relax and enjoy the moment at hand. I have found that although it might not be very pleasant, the reward for endurance is sweet and gratifying. I simply found a strength inside of me that allows me to keep going. The power of prayer is huge, and I am grateful to have it on my side.

I think I can becomes I know I can.

My goal is now a reality.

I feel good about myself and my abilities.

Thanks to my friends and my dear sweet family for supporting me and believing in me too.

one step forward... two steps back....

2010-09-23T15:13:00.000-07:00

I noticed three days in a row: no headache!

My medication takes two months to really start working- by month six, whatever changes have taken place are probably it. So I am almost to the two month mark and have noticed a change.

The medication for pain works on the migraines. I don't always have migraines, so it isn't always effective. I know I should call the doc and try something else. But I just have a block on calling doctors. For me anyway, not my children(I finally have surgery scheduled for the baby end of October after weeks of what felt like incessant phone calls).

The meds for sleep don't really work. I don't get sleepy feeling, just drugged feeling. Not so good for the next day when I still didn't get enough sleep. Another thing to mention to the doctor.

My husband and support person has been much kinder since our last blow-out. We had our anniversary. We made some decision about our future. We have renewed our commitment to each other that includes more dates and counseling- which is taking a back-seat since I was working so hard on arrangements for the baby. But at least we are on the same page. I feel he just over-heated and had to get to his re-set button. He has no idea how much one little phone call from work to simply ask me how I am feeling can mean to me.

Since those three non-headache days last week my period started and I have plummeted into the black-hole of headaches. I skipped book-club and have been in my bed every night by 9 with a heating pad and an ice pack. Not only have I been headachy, I have been exhausted and nauseated. I called my sister to tell her I would think I was pregnant if I wasn't on my period. I told my other sister my periods have been getting harder lately because I am starting the journey to meno-pause. She told me I am nuts because I am only 34. Whatever-- right now I am having very bad thoughts as to what I would like to do to relieve this pain. But no thought I would actually act upon. It sucks.

On Saturday I participate in my third and final tri-athlon of the season. I am very nervous because of my pain this week. My sister and I tried to do a run-through on Monday and my energy was so low I couldn't do the third part: the 5K run/walk. I will ask the good Lord for his strength to make up for my lack of strength. After the tri I need to come home to go to my husbands company picnic, and then Sat. night we have a Broadcast to the women at church. I will be busy... and exhausted. I wonder if I will make it to all three events?

So... I am frustrated and in pain as I write this. I am nervous about this weekend. But I will do what I always do... put my shoes on... and face my life head on.

Invisible Illness Week

2010-09-09T13:13:00.000-07:00

National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week is held annually in September and is a worldwide effort to bring together people who live with invisible chronic illness and those who love them.
Check out: invisibleillness.com

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Chronic Migraine/Headache

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 6th Grade

3. But I had symptoms since: Around puberty

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: taking it easy when all I want to do is ignore and keep on going.
5. Most people assume: if I am moving around and appear to be normal, I am not hurting.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: getting up before I am ready- with kids that is almost every morning

7. My favorite medical TV show is: None right now

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My crock-pot- that is a gadget- right?

9. The hardest part about nights are: going to sleep- I either hurt too much to sleep, or I don't hurt and don't want to slow down long enough to sleep

10. Each day I take _10-20_ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please)

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: love it and think it works, but have a hard time keeping with it because a)it is expensive(not covered by insurance) and b) its alternative so I let it drop off my radar

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: invisible. I may not have life figured out, but I can fake it like the best of them... and sometimes faking it helps pull me through.

13. Regarding working and career: It was sometimes easier going off to work with pain because I had a distraction.

14. People would be surprised to know: I have headaches that last 8-10 days- usually one or two a month.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: some of the people closest to me are fed up and no longer patient with me and my pain.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: tri-athlons- I will participate in my third one at the end of September.

17. The commercials about my illness: aren't really about my illness.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: spontaneous adventures- who knows if I will have a headache or not.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: Needlepoint- I enjoy the detail work, but can't do it with a headache.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Yoga- My husband got me started in yoga for relaxation before we were married in hopes it would help me. I enjoy it and can usually do it with a headache. My kids do it with me for about 5 minutes too.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: completely clean my house, play for hours with my kids in the park, and enjoy an evening alone with my husband.

22. My illness has taught me: not many people understand, but that is OK, a lot of people still care.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: give me advice that completely cured their headaches(which couldn't possibly be like mine)

24. But I love it when people: listen and actually try to understand

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I can live with pain. I can live with my headaches. I can still CARE for my FAMILY and meet my obligations. I might do it better without the pain, BUT I am capable to do it with it. And I think that is pretty darn OK.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: listen to their bodies- its OK to take it easy.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: even in great pain, I can find happiness.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: extended understanding. And took my kids away allowing me to not worry about them and rest.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I just found out about it and am starting to get more involved in the online community that deals with headaches.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: loved.

Fight

2010-08-29T07:36:00.000-07:00

We had a fight- one of the worst in our marriage. The reason? I am not doing enough around here. Because I always have a headache.

Will headaches bring down my marriage? Maybe its time to talk to the doctor again. And a marriage counselor...

Apology?

2010-08-19T12:25:00.001-07:00

So, with the adjustment to meds, I have been allowing myself to rest a bit more and be more vocal about how I am feeling.

My husband says to me: You have been having way more headaches than usual- maybe this medication isn't working at all. OK- I need time to adjust to the medication. It could be weeks to get it into my system before I start seeing the actual results. Overall I am starting to see improvement already.

However, I realized I had made a pact with myself months ago to simply not tell him about my headaches because after telling him I had a headache every day it became almost an annoyance to him. Hearing I have a headache is also saying: What else is new? And that kind of hurts my feelings. So to protect myself and avoid that kind of reaction I tried to only tell him about the bad ones.

I recently find myself apologizing to him for having a headache. This headache means I might not get the house cleaned up. It means I might run upstairs and rest after he gets home, or even turn dinner over to him. It means I might not join him in reading to the children before bed. He tells me he misses me. He tells me the kids miss me. Inside I am sad- I don't want to miss out on daily activities. I don't want to live in a disorganized home. I don't want my children to understand that some days Mommy just can't tolerate their normal every day noise and activity.

Why do I have to apologize? I feel even more alone when I apologize- and maybe he doesn't even want an apology, because he never tells me its OK. He just goes on and does what needs to be done(hmmm... maybe that is his way of accepting it). When he tells me the kids miss me and he misses me I feel like he is laying a guilt trip on me(which I don't think he is- he doesn't do that sort of thing). I feel worse than I already do. And I push myself through the pain.

I am bit frustrated. I don't have a headache today though- so that is good. I am just working through things in the only way I seem to know- in my writing. I am posting it because some day maybe my children will learn from my ramblings. Maybe there is someone in cyberspace that might stumble accross this and find comfort- but this post is really just for me. I think I do feel better after writing- what else is there to do but keep on going and creating my life to the best of my ability? Even if its not what I WANT- its my best, so it has to be OK. Because it is what it is.

Started

2010-08-07T09:44:00.000-07:00

So- I participated in my second Tri-athlon on July 31st. I improved my time ALOT! And am so happy with my results. I look forward to my third one in September. It seems I need to keep an event on the horizon so I keep up my training. I wish I could just go out and exercise- maybe someday I will- but until then, this method is working and I will take it.

I waited until Aug. 1st to start up my new medications. For two reasons. The last time I started up my meds I had a rough transition and didn't want to be dealing with stomach issues, light-headedness, fatigue, etc., while training. Second, I was able to take the last two weeks to wean the baby completely. And while it was not a big deal- she is almost a year and a half and she no longer needed my milk for nutrition, it was still sad for me to loose a little bit of closeness with the last baby of our family. I will admit its nice to reclaim my body. :o)

This week the adjustments didn't seem too bad. I had some stomach issues, but not nearly as severe as the first time- I wonder if this is because the doctor had me step up little by little the previous time rather than doing it all at once this time(Its a lower dosage this time too)? I did have a lot of fatigue and light-headedness. Luckily my kids let me take it easy. It was Big Girls last week of summer school. Little Man was a bit grumpy, but generally is such an easy kid. Baby girl wasn't near as ornery as she is normally- including a day at the hospital to check up on her kidneys(which aren't do well and causing me stress- but we won't know more until the end of the month after more testing so I am trying to copy by not thinking about it, which makes me think about it constantly- but I am denying it bothers me to anyone who asks as another coping mechanism- none of this is good by the way for my headaches). My sister did take my big kids one afternoon so I could sleep when the baby slept- that was nicer than nice.

We leave for a short vacation down at J's parents home. We can't afford a vacation this summer, so we are enjoying free room and board at his parents place. I have made peace with this- my kids love being at their grand parents and they won't remember a summer or two without a real vacation. Its important for them to spend time with their River Grandparents- and vice versa. I always get to relax and chill out while I am there too- I look forward to runs in the morning and visits to the river bed. And hopefully by the time we are back my adjustments to the medication will be complete and I will start seeing an improvement.

The rest of the summer will include my organizing and getting ready for fall. A well check for the baby, the big girl, an in depth VCUG for the baby. I will try to have at least one or two days a week with a fun outing to the zoo or omsi for the kids- but overall we will keep it pretty chill. I want to enjoy my time with my kiddo's- they are such wonderful little people!

How fragile life

2010-07-16T10:44:00.001-07:00

“How fragile life, how certain death. We do not know when we will be required to leave this mortal existence. And so I ask, ‘What are we doing with today?’ If we live only for tomorrow, we’ll have a lot of empty yesterdays today.”
Thomas S. Monson

The Start

2010-07-12T19:45:00.001-07:00

So, I finally made it into the doctor! Yay! Hooray for me!

This was a huge step. It took months to actually go through with it thanks to my "issues" with doctors and getting the run-around. I finally called on day 5 of a headache and THE LINE WAS BUSY! The next day too. The number on the Internet must be bad. So, after another month and another round of a several day long migraine, I stopped in and made my appointment in person. I also grabbed several of her cards so I don't run into the busy signal again.

I had a complete exam that included a blood draw a few days before. I found out that I AM HEALTHY! In the back of mind I worried there was some underlying issue(diabetes or cancer or some rare disease they would need to send me to a controlled medical lab and test me for years....), and nope- my blood is perfect. My levels are 'beautiful'!

I had a great conversation with my doctor about my headaches. She and I discussed multiple factors, the different types of headaches, and different ways of treating them. I feel very satisfied with the time she spent talking and actually listening to me. She seemed to understand the stage of life I am in with my kiddos and the issues I am dealing with my parents. As we talked when I was unsure about a plan she was able to give me direction and let me weigh it out in my own mind.

I am looking forward(and I seriously can't believe that I am) to trying to this new plan and seeing how I respond to it. Maybe this is a feeling of hope? It feels like a brand-new notebook, so fresh and clean that I can just start writing in. I love new notebooks. But with this, I know first hand how hard it is to get to the right medication levels. But, maybe with this hope I will be able to continue on when the air goes out of my sails a bit. I am cautiously optimistic.

So.... here goes nothing!

Tri-athlete

2010-05-23T09:44:00.001-07:00

Last Saturday(May 15th), I participated in my first tri-athlon ever! And it was a thrill!

I am so happy my body is healthy enough to participate. It is healthy enough to train. I am healthy!

I was very interested in seeing how my body responded to the training. I am not a fan of exercise and only do so because its on my list of things to do. I often have a headache and used that as an excuse(even though its a worthy excuse) to not go out and do what I know I am supposed to be doing.

Having a goal of this tri-athlon was what I needed. Several times I went upstairs to get ready to train and looked at my bed, or looked down the hall in the computer room and thought about just sitting.... I couldn't simply because I had a goal that seemed larger than life! I HAD to get my shoes on and head out the door because I, quite frankly, didn't want to DIE on the tri-athlon course!

The break from the kids was good for me too. Thankfully I have a very supportive husband who didn't mind when I took off in the evenings to swim. Or spent my Saturday morning biking. Or listened to me complain of my hip hurting after a run. While out and about I had a chance to meditate, think, evaluate my life. I am thankful for that time- and I need MORE of it!

I had a couple of nights where I couldn't go. My head hurt too bad and I listened to the beckon of my bed. The bad headaches were just as bad as they normally were.

But the daily quiet headache seemed to leave me quicker than usual. This could be from the exercise. This could be the fact exercising(running, biking and swimming) hurt different muscles and I was swallowing anti-inflammatories daily. It could be I just became so focused on my goal that my pain took second shelf.

This past week I came down with strep throat and didn't exercise at all. I wanted to- my body needed it. It also needed to rest. My baby also needed it. She was used to heading out into the world about an hour before we pick up our boy from the bus-stop. She brought me her shoes and tried to get me out of the house at our usual time(Pretty cute if you ask me!).

I look forward to next week so I can get out and exercise some more and continue to watch my body's reaction. I also promise to call my doctor to get my physical so we can start evaluating my headaches again. I also need to decide on my next "event" so I can be goal oreinted with training again!

I am a tri-athlete!

Does knowlege bring comfort?

2010-05-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

I get hormone headaches. I am very sensitive to hormones and will get one the day before the day of the beginning of my period. My worst headache in my life was after giving birth to baby #3. Hormone fluctuations are a BAD word.

When I mention this, most people are relieved or excited or assume that its great I know the cause of my headaches. While a woman has hormonal fluctuations all month long, not all of my headaches are because of this. I probably attribute one or two a month to this. And having 3-5 headaches a week, two a month isn't much. Even if I could treat these few period headaches, I still have a month worth of headaches that I don't know the exact cause.

But there is security in knowing why I have a headache. Kind of like a mystery solved(read: Phew- at least it wasn't a stroke!). So I wonder if I knew the cause of every headache, even if there was no solution, if it would give me some sort of comfort. I wonder.

This reminds me of a time in my youth when I told my Dad if I ever died before him, he needed them to open up my brain and find out what the cause of all these headaches were- I wanted him to search for an answer to all of this pain. After talking with him about this subject I decided I wouldn't want to him to look into after all. I believe I will look back on this life from a different perspective and see what God wanted me to learn from all of this pain and that will be enough(Too bad I haven't figured it out yet- maybe that would help the headaches stop?)

And while I love hearing people tell me their reasons for getting headaches and giving me the advice(Wear sunglasses, drink more water, take your multivitamin, lay off the wheat products), I still have to swallow my knee jerk reaction, which is: You honestly think I haven't looked into that one before? Good intentions- I need to take them for what they are: Good. I have learned to smile and nod.

I will help you

2010-03-20T08:11:00.000-07:00

I did go to the doctor on Tuesday. Wow! Except it wasn't specifically for migraines. I felt a UTI coming on and didn't get in soon enough and ended up with a UTI and a kidney infection. I have only met with this Doctor once before- about a year ago when I was pregnant and about to pop. My OB/GYN's office was giving me a hard time about not having a primary doctor listed, and I didn't have one since we switched insurances.

Anyway, I used this time to talk to her about my headaches. I told her about them my first visit, so she asked me about them before I had a chance to mention them. She said: I will help you.

I am still nursing. The weaning is going very slowly, and I am wondering if I really want to wean this beautiful baby. The quiet times I have to nurse are priceless. I get to not only enjoy my sweet baby in my arms and marvel at the fact I am still nourishing her body over a year after she left my body, I also use this time to meditate and examine my life. I pray and think about my blessings and ask for guidance and comfort going forward. Will I carve out this time after we are done nursing? I think I will try.

So, I will go in for a physical. Its been a long time since I have had all my level checked. Throughout my headache journey a lot has been tested and tried, but I can't remember what, and that was long ago. It will be interesting to start at ground level and see if she really can help me.

Same old...

2010-03-09T14:36:00.000-08:00

After a very lovely day without pain I embarked on a week with relentless headaches. Sweet husband has been very accomodating with my pain. He has helped with the baby quite a bit and given me my space.

But I am just tired of it.

I have a great support system. I have people I can call to help me out. But as a my job right now is caregiver and mommy, I do not feel comfortable having someone take care of my children so I can get rest or sleep or peace and quiet when it might not even help my symptoms.

Goods news. I am ready to call the doc.

No Headache?

2010-03-01T07:47:00.001-08:00

I was so excited to blog last night--

I had a day without a headache!

Well... it started with one as usual- my typical throb- but I took something and ate a yummy breakfast made just for me by my amazing husband and off to church I went to practice with the choir. I skipped out on the getting everyone out the door part(I had the kids ready to go, only Daddy needed to finish getting ready), and that relieved a little of my usual Sunday stress.

Now church, while I love it, is a hard thing for me. I am not sure why, but I usually feel exhausted, headachey, and just plain spent by the time I get home from three hours. It might be the spiritual aspect that wears my mind out, it might be the fact I am wearing shoes and clothes that just aren't super comfortable. Maybe its my "let down" assumption that I have a day where my husband is home to help me out if I need it, so I usually need it. Who knows.

But this past Sunday I felt great! So good! My husband noticed a difference and mentioned my being in a great mood. I didn't need to go lay down at all after church. We went on a family walk(I even ran a bit). I played HORSE with my husband, and was the horse.

I felt so good. I wondered what did I do differently this past week? I exercised a lot more than usual, ate the same, stress wasn't as bad as it has been. I went to bed Saturday night at a somewhat decent hour.

I was so excited, I couldn't wait to make this post last night. Except we got a virus on our 'puter and I couldn't.

Well. The No Headache status didn't last. The baby had a really hard time last night. She switched back to her daily low-dose antibiotics from her super strong ones for the ear infection she had last week. She was fussy, wouldn't let me put her down. So, I woke up in pain around 1 to tend to her. I tried to put her down again and couldn't. I held a bit longer, but my right shoulder and upper back was killing me. I was in so much pain I went downstairs for some medicine. I finally got her settled again and slept for another few hours when she was up around 4. I just couldn't do it. I tried, but finally I asked for help. My husband took over and he dealt with her while I layed in my bed with my back and head and joints hurting. My mind couldn't rest because my baby was crying. Then I started thinking about things that tend to haunt me in the middle of the night. I got up around 7, still hurting, but thankful for the little amount of rest I did have.

I managed to get dressed and lunches made, kids fed and dressed, kids sent off to school. My kitchen was a mess, but that was OK. When Baby and I got back home we had some breakfast together. My sore and stiff body didn't want to move, but being that today is fore casted to be one of the last non-raining days for a while I loaded Baby into her stroller and we went for a walk. It felt good. My headache receded. My stiffness left. We lunched with Daddy and came back home and while I am feeling slower, I am OK. While I am irritable and a bit sensitive, I am OK. And its OK to be just OK.

I got the baby down for a nap. I watched a neighbor boy for a few hours. I cleaned up the kitchen. I managed to get my kids some after school snacks that actually kept them full for longer than 15 minutes. I was able to get dinner(out of the freezer- yay for home made freezer meals!) made. I am glad my husband is home now and I get a 15 minute break. I have my aqua aerobics class tonight that I haven't decided if I will go or not.

WHAT I AM LEARNING FROM TODAY: I can live with pain. I can live with my headaches. I can still CARE for my FAMILY and meet my obligations. I might do it better without the pain, BUT I am capable to do it with it. And I think that is pretty darn OK.

Headache related sleeplessness

2010-02-05T08:09:00.000-08:00

"Honey, you need to go to bed soon," my darling husband said as he pulled the covers up to his ears around 11:30 last night.

I laid in bed with a massive headache. I wanted to cry it hurt so bad, but crying makes it hurt worse, so I did a lot of breathing.

I couldn't sleep. The pain was just too great. And it frustrated me that my husband would advise me to do what I wanted to do most.

This morning my head pain is only about a 3/10. But I am groggy... so tired... wishing I could sleep all day long.

BUT- I have things to do today. Kids off to school. Watching my nephew while my sister goes and supports my parents as my Dad is about to get his official diagnoses of Alzheimers(my baby will be napping so I can't go with). I have fun afternoon planned to visit with a good friend. We have actual plans to go out for dinner tonight as family. So, I am busy with good things. This will help me "power thru the pain" and have a somewhat normal life.

Meanwhile... my bed.. my sweet sweet bed... is calling me. I long to sink into it and pull a pillow in my arms. Why couldn't this happen last night?

Sleep?

2010-01-22T21:13:00.000-08:00

A new mom expects to miss out on the most precious commodity called sleep. Its part of the deal- I suffer for 9 months to bring a child into this world. I suffer another 12 hours to birth this child. I suffer the first 6 weeks trying to heal, adjust, and get back to normal. For me all the 9 months, 12 hours and 6 weeks are sleepless. I am now embarking on almost a year after birth waking up with a baby. It isn't really her fault- but she right now is the main reason for it. But, I have sleep issues- did before babies, and will continue after babies aren't babies anymore most likely.

My 6 year old has troubles falling asleep. I feel for her, I really really do. I know how desperate and exasperated one feels laying in a bed willing yourself to sleep. I am sure it does not help to have someone coming into your room every so often telling you that you HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP! And like myself, my 6 year old is grumpy when she is tired in the mornings. It is so hard to wake up in the mornings. I can only remember a very few number of occasions in my life when I woke up ready to bound out of bed. I do initially feel bad for her in the morning and try to be cheerful to her grumpiness, try to be deaf to her whining and crying, and understanding to her problem. But on the mornings I had a rough night- I am not so much. I am blessed to have a husband that can usually stick around until we are ready for school so when I am ready to scream at this precious grumpy girl he can step in.

When I do not get enough sleep, I hurt. My head hurts. If I go for days without a good nights rest, I feel in a fog. The rest of my body starts hurting. My anxieties rise. My patience is thin. I am not nice to be around. I want to cry. I want someone to take care of me, but I want them to offer it before I ask for it.

I can't remember the last time I slept through the entire night. Pregnancy has me up constantly thanks to a weak bladder from birthing 9 pound babies. This wonderful precious baby who has been with us now for over 11 months still gets up twice or more a night. While I would love to let her cry it out and learn to sleep on her own, she has kidney reflux and has already had a number of UTI's. I never know if she is in pain or not, so I can't let her cry it out. I have been readying the no-cry-sleep-solution, but so far I think its teaching her worse habits than she had before.

She has been sick with a fever for the past three nights and I have not slept more than a few hours in a row for these past three nights. I think I am loosing my mind. But I did find this funny fact:

A new baby typically results in 400-750 hours of lost sleep for parents in the first year.

There are some other funny and amazing sleep facts at:

http://www.abc.net.au/science/sleep/facts.htm

A few others that stood out:
Seventeen hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol-level of 0.05%.

Feeling tired can feel normal after a short time. Those deliberately deprived of sleep for research initially noticed greatly the effects on their alertness, mood and physical performance, but the awareness dropped off after the first few days.

Some studies suggest women need up to an hour's extra sleep a night compared to men, and not getting it may be one reason women are much more susceptible to depression than men.

Its just me

2009-12-31T18:01:00.000-08:00

My husband has had the last week off- we have been pretty busy visiting friends, running errands, organizing our home to keep it organized to start off 2010 right. I usually wake up with some pain- and with him home its been a wonderful chance to pass the baby off to him and sleep another 15 minutes or at least have some quiet time to collect my courage to meet the day head-on.

Today was our first day with little to do, so I planned lunch with a friend. So many people tell me I need to just let loose and have fun with my friends. That should help. In the middle of lunch(and it was wonderful to have this time with a friend and no kids) the headache lurked in the back ground. I got home took some meds and layed down. That should help. I woke up with the same headache a little louder. I went downstairs and watched Monsters vs. Aliens with the kids and it hit me hard. Ugh. I took some stronger stuff. We had dinner. That did help. I am feeling much better, just really tired.

So, ask me how I am and I will tell you fine. I probably have a headache. But its just me. Its my lot in life.

2010- when I am done nursing the baby I will go back to the Doctor to start the always enjoyable process of finding the right solution.

Bear

2009-12-16T21:56:00.000-08:00

I move my head and it throbs. Light sends pain searing through my eyeballs. Sound is excruciating. Movement hurts. People not listening to me annoys me. My fuse is so short and the pain is so relentless that I have transformed into a bear of polar proportion.

Everyone suffers.

I cry.

I cry because not only do I hurt so bad, but I feel just horrible about the monster I have turned into. I cry because my sweet husband and adoring children do not deserve to be treated this way.

Now, not only do I feel horrible physically. I feel horrible in my heart.

It hurts- my heart hurts when I realize that those surrounding me get caught up in my storm, as if they are standing on the outskirts of a storm system, and the pain they feel is not like mine. The pain they feel is caused by me. By my words. They are remembering me being this way. I am not just a cranky mom/wife in pain, but to them I am simply a cranky and sometimes mean.

I am also angry. I am angry my husband has limits on his patience. I am angry he gets the "easy" job to run off to work and provide for our physical needs while I am at home in a very dark place trying to provide for the emotional needs of our family. Angry that I can never have a day off. That I can never have enough time to really deal with the root causes of this pain. And I have to let go of this anger before the pain subsides or I just stay a bear.

Headaches- what to do with one?

2009-11-05T14:40:00.000-08:00

Since I often have a headache, I choose to do one of two things. Lay low, or go forward full speed ahead.

Often I feel like laying in bed does me little good, and I prefer to NOT miss out on my life so I keep active. Sometimes doing things will distract me and can even help the pain go away. Sometimes it makes me sicker. Sometimes it just makes me cranky and I am sure those around me wish I had just stayed in bed.

Today, I don't want to do anything. I have a headache- its not even one of my bad ones. But I have a kitchen needing to be cleaned, carpets to be vacuumed, children to be read to and taught, phone calls to make, a part time business to conduct, laundry to be folded and put away, dinner to be planned and eventually made. I don't want to do any of this-- I just want to curl up in my bed and pretend I am in my home alone. I feel like I am avoiding everyone and everything. The guilt for this avoidance(Which isn't a true avoidance because I am not really avoiding anyone or anything but my not actively working to deal with people is what makes me feel like I am avoiding. Does that make sense?) brings me down even more.

So, I will give myself today. Tomorrow will be better. Now, I can't actually lay in bed and do nothing. I do need to get a few items on my list from above done. I will tend to the kids, and get dinner going(unless I can talk husband into bringing something home that we really can't afford.). But I won't do it all, and that is OK. It will be OK to lay low today.

American Headache Soceity

2009-09-10T06:45:00.000-07:00

So, having had headaches for most of my life I turned to books and magazines and the Internet for help. Figuring out what type of headache I have. Searching for a list of dos and don'ts. I didn't realize until I ran across several blogs earlier this year that there is a specific community out there just for headaches! Is there really a community that would UNDERSTAND ME AND MY PAIN? WOW.

In fact, the is the 14th International Headache Congress being held in Philadelphia at the Pennsylvania Convention Center right now: September 10 to 13, 2009. The below link was neat to look at. I haven't spent much time there, but I plan on it. If I find anything interesting I might just post it.

http://www.americanheadachesociety.org/

Complaining

2009-09-05T14:10:00.000-07:00

Am I allowed to complain? Of course anyone can complain, but am I allowed to complain even though I have NOT gone to the doctor? Should I just suffer in silence? Don't I deserve this pain on some level if I am not actively trying to find a cure for it?

My support people are awesome. But after so many whines and cries about feeling achey and gross- how much more do they need to listen? How much more can I subject them too. I am not going to the doctor yet. I know I should. I am nursing my sweet little baby, and while there are medications "safe" to take while nursing, I would rather not. I am also spending so much time at the Doctor for this same sweet baby who has kidney reflux, to make an appointment for myself seems crazy- where would I fit it in between her appointments? I even passed on the non-essential yearly check up on my 6 year old for this same reason. That and our insurance sucks and we can't afford any extra visits.

I am hoping to fight off the pain on my own. I go thru cycles of pain being worse at some times for than others. I am in the midst of a pain spell at the moment. But, I am hoping that this the magic time of year- school starting- I can find some relief. I am hoping with school starting my regular exercise routine will become, well, regular. I KNOW without a doubt exercise will help to some degree on more of my issues than physical health. I also think maybe two and half precious hours without the big kids will help too. Exercise, cleaning up the house, time teaching and loving my baby, maybe even some visits with friends will all be welcome and possibly therapeutic.

So, I guess I am in a wait and see mode. I WILL go to the doctor when I finally have had it(and I am getting close). But until then, I am trying to curb my whining. If I do open up to you about my pain, it means I trust you. It means on some level I expect you to be sympathetic. But I am trying to NOT be a burden on my friends. I don't know what I would do without some of you. I guess I can't expect you to NOT counsel me to go to the doctor(This counsel comes from not one person- but many). I might even need to keep hearing it. But, until I actually go- thanks for listening. I am trying not to bore or annoy you.

Want to be taken care of

2009-08-25T07:36:00.000-07:00

When I was younger life stopped for headaches. It was new pain. It was extreme pain. It was scary pain. I would retreat to my little bed. I would get a nice cold drink. Our dog Princess, who was old and granny-like, would be allowed to sleep with me. My parents checked in on me often to make sure I was OK. I had physical comfort. I had emotional comfort. I hurt, but I felt safe.

As I have gotten older, the pain is the same. But I know it better. I self-comfort. Now that I have children if I am lucky enough to have someone around when I am in pain, I ask them to care for them. While I have a lot of compassion directed toward me, its just another headache to many of those around me. The physical and emotional support isn't as apparent, and that is just because Mom has a headache. Mom always has a headache. In fact, when a well meaning friend/family/loved one asks me about my pain, I usually downplay it. I usually reject it. This is my life, this is what I deal with, I am used to it.

BUT, I miss being taken care of. I miss the concern I once allowed others to have for me. Now i just don't allow it, which makes me feel lonely and needy. And then I get annoyed with myself because lonely and needy are the very last thing I should ever feel with the amount of love and support I actually do have. I do have a lot of support and love from my friends and family. But is it so bad to just want to be taken care of without worrying about anything?

A Headache of Convenience--eeer or maybe Inconvenience...

2009-07-31T21:13:00.000-07:00

I often wonder if I can somehow control my pain. I do have headaches most days. Some days they are bad and I must lay down and leave my kids to fend for themselves(the big kids, not the baby). However it seems my worst headaches come up when husband is home. Instead of spending a fun day together I spend the day nursing my pain. I end up doing one of two things:

1- I turn the kids over to Daddy and sleep it off.

2- I power thru it and grin and bear it.

Often times when I went to work in an extreme amount of pain I was always glad for the distraction. A distraction from the physical pain, the nausea, the achey achey owie owie.

I stopped working to care for my children full time and I found myself not knowing HOW to distract myself from my pain. I am still figuring that out. It feels like I am more focused on the pain more so than I could be when I worked and had customers to care for, e-mails and reports to publish, goals to meet, oh yea, and friends to talk to.

I wonder why headaches hit when they do. Is it the anticipation of having a fun day that causes the headaches to roll in? Is it just dumb luck? Is it my sub-conscious trying to sabotage my good times?

Its not just the headache, it is the irritability, its the nausea, its the pain pain pain pain....

And I tell my husband about it, but mostly I try not to. He is so good with me, but he has his limits. How fair is it to him I have a headache every time we head out on a trek, or every Saturday morning he wants to sleep in?

And my poor children who deal with a mean mommy. My children, as adults, will probably talk about their Mother always telling them to be quiet. They know my headaches change me.

A Headache of Convenience-- or maybe Inconvenience... yes that is what I get. Any drugs out there for that?

Nip it in the bud

2009-06-28T00:33:00.000-07:00

I had a headache today that was making me simply crabby. I don't like being crabby. No one likes me being crabby. BUT somehow those around me still love me anyway and put up with it.

I was able to head it off by taking some OTC pain killers right away. It worked. WWWAAAAHOOOO!

Looking back at this week, I did OK. I had headaches, but functioned anyway and didn't even seem to yell at my kids that much. :o)

PBP- not a cure for headaches

2009-06-18T15:47:00.001-07:00

Another headache today-- so bad I veto's little man's request to go the dollar tree. BUT, not so bad I didn't stop for a Peanut Buster Parfait and Dilly Bars for the kids. Didn't help the headache. But sure tasted good. I wish I had another one. :o)

Type of Headache - the big bad migraine

2009-06-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

I went ahead and posted my post from my informal/family blog just to have it here. I love that I wrote it- I seemed to hit on most points that come up when it comes to headaches. I plan on using it as a road map to expand on issues I am dealing with or have dealt with and most importantly, how I have learned from them.

As a teen, my headaches were classified as *migraine*. What is a *migraine*? In very simple terms a *migraine* = owie, owie, owie, leave me alone( usually followed by please or now). The pain is mostly on one side of the head with pounding or throbbing accompanying. I would sometimes have some vision changes which the doctors took as the #1 sign of being a *migraine*. In a few words it has something to do with vessel constriction. Mind you I am no doctor, and have only taken three biology classes, I will only discuss what I have found to be true in my experiences.

I don't think I have true *migraines* very often. Yes, I do get headaches so bad I need to spend a day in a dark room only eating crackers. But normally my head just hurts. I personally don't like calling my headaches *migraine*. How can I function with a *migraine* that the media claims to be so debilitating. Is there such a thing as a walking migraine? Why when I mention the word *migraine* the doctors stop any questioning and feel satisfied with that? Is there a doctor out there that I can completely explain my headaches and other wide-spread pain to that might tell me its something else?

I will put another post later with my triggers for headaches. I have one right now, of course, and looking at the computer screen, sitting in my less than ergonomic computer chair does not help. I am tired-- I want to be done with pain- anyone else know the feeling?

First Entry - June 2009

2009-06-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

I have a headache today. A bad one. I am thinking of dipping my toe back into the medical world to get some relief, so of course I start on the Internet. I found a blog today about a woman up in Seattle who blogs about her headaches. http://www.thedailyheadache.com/ This website inspired me to blog about headaches.

I have been dealing with headaches most of my life. On my informal, family blog I wrote an entry back in 2008 that helps explain my situation with pain. http://mconser.blogspot.com/2008/04/my-headache-my-silent-partner.html

Normally I do not like to talk about my headaches. I have them so often that I prefer not to BORE or ANNOY people with my complaints. I have learned to live with them unfortunately and have simply found that part of my daily life is pain. Many people live with pain in their lives, so do I. So, I prefer not to draw attention to my pain or problems because I do not feel my pain or problems are unique, or make me any more needy than anyone else. My husband jokes(sort of) that I need to tell him when I DON'T have a headache, since that would be out of the norm. Also, it can be a bit annoying when very well intentioned loved ones offer advice that just isn't applicable to my situation. I know they are trying to help, but for well over 20 years I have been suffering, and I have yet to find my cure.

I plan to use this blog as my headache journal. A place to post what I am going through. I am not asking for sympathy, in fact, I would rather not discuss this blog with my familiars, but I think there is value in records and recording and need to do this for myself.

I also want to reach out to the community of headache sufferers. You might be moms, dads, singles, no-kids, teens, or whatever. But we all have one thing in common- life doesn't stop for our headaches.

I also want to post information I find out about headaches. There is such a vast array of information, I will only post specific pieces that I find useful. If I read a book on any subject I feel if I get one piece of information out of it that helps me, it was work the entire book. I want to share that information.

My Headaches- From my personal blog

2008-04-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

I have chronic pain. Headaches actually, but the pain is wide spread thruout my body at times. Everything hurts. Lately its been radiating down the left side of my body, even down to my ankle. I have noticed very strong correlation with stress, lack of sleep, too much junk food. I usually know my triggers. If I don't realize it, I can look back and trace back to what I did or didn't do that resulted in my pain. Just coming off of tax season I have been able to relax, and its been nice to let my body have some down time. I am hoping the pain will slow down a bit, but I have yet to see that happen.

Here is my history as if it were yours: I want you to imagine a life where you have headaches at least half of the time, if not more. These headaches can range from very mild so as you hardly notice them, to very severe- throbbing constantly, churning your stomach, sensitive to light and sound. You remember going home from school in the 6th grade due to headaches. You try to get relief with different methods. At the young age of 13, one doctor just kept upping the dosage of one medication until you became so sick from the medication that you figured that was worse than the headache itself. These actions have caused a you to avoid medications, even for good, at any cost. You try to only take medications at very last resort for the rest of your life. This experience has also caused you to be hesitant to bring up your situation to doctors the rest of your life. Your wonderful parents were very concerned. They watched the pain and were likely suffering right along with you. They sent you to Physical Therapy. Bio-Feedback. Counseling. Allergist. Even a neurologist. A CAT-scan proved your headaches were not anything serious, like life-threatening. You just needed to cope and learn to live with them.

Too much of your life was passing you by while you laid in bed, in pain. One day on the way home from 8th grade with a massive headache there were some rowdy boys on the bus. There was a discipline problem at the time and the bus driver made seating assignments. He happened to seat you next to several of these nasty boys, who were shoving and you were shoved against the window, hitting your head, making the headache even worse. By some miracle Dad and Amy happened to be waiting at the bus stop to pick you up that day, even though the walk was very short. In tears you got into the car. Dad was not as concerned(The headaches were old news and by now you have had them for years and people were getting a little bored with your drama-- they still love you, but you always have a headache... you will deal with this your entire life). But at home after you crawled into bed, in tears, because the pain is so great, your sweet sister Amy comes and checks on you. While you can't express your gratitude to her at the moment, your heart will never forget her tenderness. Your headaches have always been a silent battle that your parents have helped you fight, the sisters learned early to steer clear of their aching sister. (I am sure it was scarey for them too-- in fact until this moment I have never thought about it from their perspective.) That summer you gave up a fun week-long babysitting gig out at the John-Day Fossil Beds with a family at church because you were afraid of an attack. It seemed you would get a very bad attack once a week that required much time in bed, a blessing from Dad, and the the calm would return and you could be a teenager once again. Some travel agency sent a poster size picture of a very blue ocean. You put this up above your bed so when you laid in bed you could focus on the ocean and thing quiet relaxing thoughts. So much of what you are learning is relaxing, controlling your muscles, controlling your internal stress. So you have that figured out you think, so why do I still feel so much pain you wonder. A question that will haunt you the rest of your life.

Finally I learned to LIVE with headaches: When I started some temporary work and was still calling in sick like I stayed home from school I realized pretty quickly it wasn't acceptable to live this way in the real world. I had to get up and go no matter what my body was telling me. My body seemed to be lieing to me anyway, I hurt, but staying in bed didn't seem to be the answer, I didn't feel a whole lot better. Sure, it was nice NOT to have to do anything for a while, but when you are talking several times a week, and you are looking at paying rent and utilities, and now I have children to care for and many other responsibilities, I can't stop. I don't believe I am doing any damage by powering thru my pain. In fact, now that I am home I am finding the distraction of work and the object of getting up early and having something concrete to focus on almost made it easier to get thru the pain. So, until a doctor tells me I need to stay in bed, I won't change my ways. But, I won't go work out or do anything too crazy-- I do know my limits. I am on a daily medication that started helping in the beginning. Its been about a year and its not helping as much as when I first started, so I need to go in and adjust the dosage or get on something new, but we just switched insurance and I was using tax season as an excuse to not do much. I have this on my to-do list. And not to worry, I drink my water, stay away from the "bad food" on the lists the doctors put out, take my multi-vitamins, and a multitude of other things many well meaning friends and family suggest every time I might make mention of a headache.

Those immediately around me understand. My sweet children know about my headaches, sometimes they can't be quiet because, well, they are children. My husband is usually accommodating. By day three of a week-long headache he has usually had enough and stops helping out as much, but Hey, he helped out for three days! I think that is admirable! But sometimes he just doesn't think about the constant pain I am in, and how the inevitably makes me not a nice gal. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, however I do wish sometimes some of those around me could experience one of my headaches just to see what it was like.

I have had my prayer friends take me under their wings or wrap me in their spiritual arms for a time, and I have felt it. Most recently was during this past tax season I shared my pain with a very dear friend because I was coming very close to a breaking point, wanting and needing to completely withdraw and get on some major medication for pain. I also shared this with my sister. The night before I shared my pain, I was busy running errands. My pain was at an all-time high. I hurt every where. I took a double dose of pain medication, but was pressing on with errands(probably shouldn't have been with the double dose of pain pills, but hey, I am a busy gal! I gotta do what I gotta do!). That night in bed, the pain was so great I couldn't sleep (an aspect my darling husband doesn't understand at all, why not just sleep it off?) my mind was wandering because I felt so alone and helpless. At least the house was quiet with sleeping children and I could de-stress for a few moments on my own. My mind was heavy because at work I was worried about my sisters health(high blood pressure), and my Dad's memory issues. I laid in bed saying my prayers when my mind wandered to the girl in the bible with the "issue of blood" and all the faith she had in Jesus to be made whole again. This inspired me to actually get OUT of bed and kneel. I need to be more like this girl, show my faith in my actions and ask to be made whole. I was able to sleep. That in and of itself was a relief. Nathan joined us at some point during the night, but it didn't disturb me. I woke up still in pain, and very emotional from the pain, the stress, all my worries. I was so grateful for a full nights rest. I shared this experience with my dear friend Marcie and my sister Amy. Their prayers started working(I have feeling Marcie shared my need of prayers), and by the end of the day I was feeling pretty good. The next day too. What a miracle. A miracle of prayer. A miracle of friends. A miracle of faith.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. -Martin Luther King Jr.

I had a major break-thru: If this pain was not from a headache and from some debilitating or life threatening disease like cancer, I would be so grateful to have time with my children, or friends, that no matter my pain, I would make the most of every single minute. So, just because the headache isn't killing me doesn't mean I shouldn't live as if today is the last day I might experience the simple goodness of my life. We never know when our last day of life will be... I don't want to waste it in my bed. I don't want to waste it complaining about my aches and pains. (Note: This doesn't mean I still won't have my days when I can't get out of bed for several hours, or won't whine for a minute or two. I am trying, I really am!) There is a good chance when you ask me how I am, if I don't answer "good" or "great" that means I am hurting. Also, if you notice I can't remember a word or two, or if my wrinkle between my eyes is a little deeper, or the color under my eyes a little darker, likely I am hurting. But play along... I don't want to dwell on my pain, I don't want you to either. I don't want my silent partner in life to win any precious minutes of my life.